Are you happy?

[MrKirov]

Talking... I suppose about anything right now is a help I guess. Just trying to keep my mind off things. I’ve got a lot of anger in me, I’ve had it for years and I’ve always struggled to keep it bottled. The past few years have been so much better and I thought I’d beaten it, but now I find myself in this situation and I’m struggling to keep it at bay.

I’ll randomly become furious, and find it really hard to keep control. I’ve got to though. If only for my partner and my beautiful kitty. They really are the only things I’m fighting for right now- I’m just really struggling to see light at the end of the tunnel.

Another day, another day of hope lost a little bit. Feels like im starting to see the darkest days right now, I’ve got to try and stay positive, for them, at least.

But yeah, doing my best to help others is nice, but it’s also a little selfish on my part too- because right now this forum is probably one of the few outlets I have- so I’m sorry if you see me posting about any old nonsense.

[MrKirov]

I wish I wasn’t so weak. I wish I could be stronger, and deal with people better. I’ve got such a lack of confidence, I wish I didn’t feel so under powered, so small.

[fishbowlhead]

I wish I wasn’t so weak. I wish I could be stronger, and deal with people better. I’ve got such a lack of confidence, I wish I didn’t feel so under powered, so small.

You need to be more shark. Sharks don’t worry about what others think, they simply find their next prey.

Be more shark.

[MrKirov]

Sorry. Laying in bed and a brain dump. I said I wouldn’t use this as my personal blog..! Sorry all.

[kryss]

I wish I wasn’t so weak. I wish I could be stronger, and deal with people better. I’ve got such a lack of confidence, I wish I didn’t feel so under powered, so small.

MrKirov, you are a confident, beautiful woman - never let anyone take that away from you, especially yourself!

[MrKirov]

AND NOW IM GENDER CONFUSED

AAAAAAAAAAAH

[fishbowlhead]

MrKirov, you are a confident, beautiful woman - never let anyone take that away from you, especially yourself!

For gods sake Kryss stop going on about your car window!

[Zaki]

For gods sake Kryss stop going on about your car window!

https://orig00.deviantart.net/bf51/f/2013/051/f/3/1_1_window_by_themadcowx-d5vnxf3.png

[kryss]

AND NOW IM GENDER CONFUSED

AAAAAAAAAAAH

You're experiencing "gender dysphoria" according to DM5.

[randombs]

Despite the thread subject, these past few pages are among the funniest I've read on here in a long time.

[Dogg Thang]

[MENTION=3332]MrKirov[/MENTION] I know you said you went to a doc last year but what you're writing sounds so familiar and, even without knowing the circumstances, I am absolutely certain you need some strong help with this beyond just whatever situation is going on. You're clearly in a deep pit but, posting about it, you're still at a point where you can recognise it and be helped. It's not that anyone can solve whatever is going on for you but what can happen is that someone helps you buy time to get through it and come out the other side with more of your own strength to tackle things later.

I don't know what that help will be for you exactly. For me, I needed medication. I didn't exactly like the idea and it took quite a while before I saw much benefit but, when it did kick in, it didn't change the situation - it just prevented me from falling into that dark pit forever. Some things I was then able to ride out and other things it helped me get the strength to deal with. Mostly, it just bought me time but that's exactly what I needed and, when I was out of it, I was off the medication and able to continue with my life.

By the way, I had the "talk to someone" advice too and I found it very difficult to talk to anyone close to me until I was actually getting better. Mainly because they were all part of the situation around me so had become part of that cloud. I wondered if my wife and life was the reason for how I felt (it wasn't the case but things get VERY cloudy in these situations and it affects our ability to objectively evaluate things). I didn't tell my doctor everything either. So I know it can be hard to talk to people but if you can just get enough out to make clear you need help asap, you'll be on the right path.

Please do it. I'm worried about you reading your posts. Depression is different for everyone so I can't say I know exactly what you're going through but I'm seeing enough of the familiar here to know you need some help getting out of it and you should seek that help as soon as you can. If you don't find your doctor helpful, go see another one until you find one who is.

[Zaki]

But yeah, doing my best to help others is nice, but it’s also a little selfish on my part too- because right now this forum is probably one of the few outlets I have- so I’m sorry if you see me posting about any old nonsense.

Please stop apologising Mr K. If it helps you to vent, please do. We are here to listen, give advice and hopefully get you through what you are going through. It won't happen over night, but if it's been a successful outlet for you (even a small one), then you are on the right path to a better life.

I do believe most of the guys on this forum are genuinely nice folks who wish the best for each other. Stop losing hope. I don't know what your entire situation is, but if you're willing to drip feed us some more information, it might put things into perspective for you.

If you're still wary of putting things down here, then write down what you are going through privately. You might be able to reflect on what troubles you and improve one aspect of your life at a time.

If you ever find yourself getting really angry, kryss still has 5 un-smashed car windows.

[Zen Monkey]

Yeah, I think I agree with you in general. The thing is, it's not as simple as making a choice. At least not for most. Whether the mind is servant or master, it is not easily tamed and there are sometimes reasons not to even try. For example, I have a really fun very creative job and, even though I say so myself, I'm good at it. It's high pressure though on top of requiring constant creativity. A big part of the reason I'm good at my job is that my brain works overtime all the time, not just tackling the creative but playing out scenarios before they happen meaning that I can adapt to changing situations. People have this idea that I just know what to do instantly but it's not that - it's because my brain has played out the options many, many times before I've opened my mouth.

Here's the down side: my brain works overtime on things that aren't important too. I have very poor sleep and always have. My mind tortures on things I can't change, plays out scenarios that will never happen and reminds me of failings over and over. These are problems. But they are all part of the same thing and I can't just decide to do one thing and not have to put up with the other. It's not that easy. It's never that easy. It's incredibly reductive to make out like that would be a choice that someone could just make and their brain will shut up. Our brains are messy, messy things and, while we can influence it through training to an extent, we can't just decide to change how it works. It does not respond to commands. And then there is the question of whether we should be doing that at all (the personal happiness bubble thing).

And yet I get where you're coming from and, yeah, sometimes our brains and thoughts are our own worst enemy.

Anyway, I haven't chimed in on this thread for myself because I don't think I have an easy answer. Am I happy? In moments. But mostly no. And I have made a certain amount of peace with that. I can't see myself being truly happy until the world is better and other people are happy. And yet the pressure of that is too much, the responsibility is not all mine to bear and could crush a person (and I think frequently does). I am discontent with a lot of what I do. It's a pain in the rear end but it's also how I get better at things. If I ever stop being discontent, I will likely grow stagnant and die. My brain is a total knob, keeping me up at night and pecking at me like a harpy. But it's also a gift that I wouldn't trade. I have had to come to terms with depression and a dark side to myself and know that's part of a package.

So no, generally I'm not happy.

But I experience joy and wonder. I make kids smile for a living. I can brighten their day. I might get a letter from a parent of a kid with autism who tells me I made their day just that bit easier. I see my own kids grow strong and know they're going to be just fine. I get lost in music and find something close to spiritual in it. I experience whole other worlds in games, and sometimes just in my imagination. I read stories, words on pages that take me to other places to live other lives. I smile at a slice of pizza. I get a buzz any time I see a dog and I will greet each and every one of them no matter where I am. I'm currently watching a baby seagull grow to adulthood just outside my studio. I get lost in runs (not the runs, that's a whole different thing). I have few friends but they're special to me. I love the people I work with and I love being here and reading all your game talk and experiences. And ice-cream, well, that's something divine.

So no, I'm not happy. But I have lots of happiness.

Nice post, man.

[charlesr]

[MENTION=3332]MrKirov[/MENTION] will you promise us to take action? I agree with DT that you sound like you need it.

[Wools]

It's amazing how quick darkness and low mood can descend on you if you're not careful.

There's a few issues at work where someone who's not pulling their weight is effecting the entire team and combined with a few other little things, have made me feel like **** today. Driving home I wanted to cry, I stopped at our local shop to buy some treats and alcohol but once you get home, get some food down you and relax, it all gets put into perspective.

That and sitting in your garden, feet up with a cider and Snickers ice cream bar! I've come to realise sadness has to be expected and is transitionary, not something that's long term. Once I get out of the situation, rationalise what's occurring and see the issues, I feel so much better.

Hope everyone else who expressed their concerns are getting on better, bit by bit, this week.