Are you happy?

[gambit6613]

Mate your posts are really hard to read. I know exactly how you are feeling. 8 years or so ago my relationship with my ex came to an unexpected end (literally 8 years this January). We had been together 10 years, were engaged and very happy, at least so i thought. Then one day she came home from work and said she wasn't happy and wanted to split up, like you i had major anxiety issues and i was generally a very miserable person to be around, hence she wanted out. It was an absolute hammer blow, i just did not see it coming. At the time i wasn't working, had very little money of my own i.e none, so i was well and truly left high and dry, whilst she was in a good job and earned really good money and was able to find another place. I on the other hand had to face the prospect of moving back to my parents, which at 30 years old was a dreadful prospect. We also had 2 cats, and probably the worst was the fact we had so split them up, i mean its not as sad as your situation because at least i had one of our beloved cats but it was still very traumatic.

At that time my life was effectively over and i came so, so close to topping myself because i had absolutely nothing to live for, at least i thought so at that point, no job, no money, no prospects. The only thing i had was my family, i nearly killed my dad over it as he was breaking seeing me in so much pain and there was nothing he could do about it. I think the hardest part was having to pack up our house and all the keepsakes i had collected over the years, stupid things like menu's from restaurants/hotels we visited in our first few years, old hotel receipts, really stupid stuff, but it was 10 years of memory's and it meant the world to me and it was just pure torture boxing it all up.

The first two months were pure agony, for days i just didnt get out of bed, but i managed to drag myself out and occupied my time with finding a job with the sole purpose of not having to move back to my parents, which i did do and i was able to get my own little flat, i only had to spend 2 weeks at my mum and dads in the end. And slowly over time, i got my life back together and things did get easier. I met a new girl in July the same year and we have been together now for 8 years and are happily married and i have never been happier. My point being whilst at the time it was the end of the world it was the catalyst for changing pretty much every aspect of my life. Since splitting from my ex i went on to achieve one of my dreams of going to university and getting a degree.

At the time it was the end of world but looking back it was the best thing that ever happened to me, obviously during that period of time i saw no end to my misery, it was indeed a grieving process of getting over everything i knew up to that point. I used to spend the first few weeks/months thinking she would eventually change her mind and want me back, especially if she saw i was becoming a better person but thank god she didnt, because there is no way i would be living the life i have now if she had.

Now im not saying your partner wont want you back, my point is dont push things, let things play out and see how they pan out, if your meant to get back together then it will happen but first you have to look after yourself, and i hate to say it but you have to be patient, whilst you may start to feel you have changed over the next few days/weeks your partner might not see it, trust me i know exactly how you feel but you have to make yourself happy first. I obviously dont know you personally or your situation but i would strongly recommend not sending her any kind of Valentines Day stuff, i know your thought process, its something you get used to doing but really mate resist the urge, its probably not appropriate. I understand buying the cat something, do so if it makes you happy but dont send your partner anything, you might not get the reaction your probably hoping for and you will feel like ****. Anyway sorry for the long post but i hope you can find some hope from my own personal experience. I feel so bad for you because i know what your going through but im living proof that life will get easier and in time you will be happy once again.

[MrKirov]

Wow, thanks for sharing that. It does give perspective.

It’s odd because only a month ago she was saying after another incident due to my anxiety that she wouldn’t want us to split, as she loves me and our life- but she just wanted me to get help, as she feared about our future and having kids if I was struggling now without that extra pressure.

I couldn’t see the truth of it, I kept saying I would sort it and I’d be fine. Only now do I see she was right.

[gambit6613]

Well with my situation, for months I had been wanting us to get a dog. So for Xmas she gave me a card and basically wrote me a letter saying she would like us to get a dog in the new year and to start looking. Then literally 4 weeks after Xmas she left me and what made things even harder was I wasn’t working because that plan was for us to try for a baby and for me to be stay home dad because she earned so much more than me. So my life was turned completely upside down with no warning.

But that was a life time ago now and my life has improved so much and I’m very lucky/fortunate, what ever you want to call it with the life i now have. When I think back how life could have been if we hadn’t split who know what life would have been like. But the key thing is to try and look forward and think only of yourself, you have to be selfish in that way, nobody else matters, you have to keep moving forward. Slow steps at first and believe me, before you know it the months, weeks and years just fly by.

The way I look at things is that person I was 8/9 years ago died and I was re-born if you like as the person I am now. Don’t get me wrong I still have many hang ups and my anxiety/depression is always there but I’ve learned how to control it, I know the triggers/warning signs and I’m also very lucky my wife is patient with me.

[MrKirov]

I’ll have to see how it goes I guess.

[MrKirov]

I think you guys are right, I won’t send a card. Don’t want to add pressure or anything.

Instead, I’ll send a text saying happy valentines to them, saying I love them both. I’ll probably then ask how she’s doing, and saying I’m doing good- adding that my tablets are going good, that my CBT starts Monday, and that my new job has improved, saying I’m finding my feet and that they’ve lifted the ban on headphones and changed their dress policy - all positive things.

Last few days I’ve been eating either nothing or just ****, smoking loads and drinking lots of coffee. Tablets are starting to kick on I think as I’m getting headaches and stomach ache now and again.

I’ve kept myself busy in the house playing games with a few people, too much though as I’m going to bed late. I find I can’t stop thinking when I go to bed so stay later to tire myself out more- although I’m struggling to get up some mornings- not sure if it’s lack of sleep or desire to curl up. I won’t do that though, it will achieve nothing.

The tablets potential side effects are a restlessness and inability to sleep, so could be that.

I’m keeping on keeping on, trying my best to stay positive and not worry about everything too much. Work is helping. I find nights when going to bed or waking up alone the worst. It’s sad being alone after all this time, especially in our newly bought family home.

Positivity though! That’s the key! Positivity breeds positivity. Not going to get anywhere my ruminating and moping.

[EvilBoris]

Sertraline stops me sleeping properly, I have do make sure I take it earlier in the day and before I eat to avoid staying wide awake.

[randombs]

Positivity though! That’s the key! Positivity breeds positivity. Not going to get anywhere my ruminating and moping.

You're doing brilliantly, mate.

I wonder if it would be better to keep the text even lighter than you're planning. Also, if you word it so it doesn't appear to need a reply that'll put less pressure on her(e.g. "hope you're good" instead of "how are you doing?"). This'll sound weird, but I feel like playing a little hard to get would give the right impression.

[JazzFunk]

Maybe just not text at all? I think more words will just make it worse for you. Save your dignity, Mr Kirov, don't open yourself up for shooting down like that. Be coooooool.

That's my honest feeling. I'm not trying to sound negativist, more realistic, resigned. She wants some 'space'? Well that means you've got your own 'space', too. Don't waste it mourning, I sense she won't be doing the same, it feels like she's proper pushed you away and I think trying to have any control over it by texting or calling or trying to be near her will just push her away even more. She either comes back or doesn't.

Obviously, we're not in the relationship, we can only go on what we can read. She MIGHT need a bit of space, it MIGHT just do the trick. MIGHT. And I hope it does. But, y'knaar...life is that mysterious bulbous thing, innit.

Anyway, use your space. It's a gift even if it doesn't seem like it.

[Cassius_Smoke]

Its difficult. I think sending a message probably the right way to go, but its going to be such a fine line to walk.
You neither want to go too heavy or come across as aloof and distant. Its a message I think i would write and rewrite and then get someone else to read. Probably the main thing is not expecting anything back at this point.

[MrKirov]

Well as I said, I messaged on Saturday to let her know i was okay, and that I didn’t blame her, and what steps I’d taken. She replied, and was fairly positive.

It’s been 10 years, there’s bound to be some missing of each other on both sides. Telling her I love them both on valentines, and letting her know I’ve got CBT coming up and that work is better is a chance to show some positivity, and that I’m continuing my commital to change. That’s all she ever wanted, and I’m showing her it’s happening in her absense.

[MrKirov]

I’m definately not texting saying “ omg come home or whatever. I didn’t before and I won’t now, I’m conscious of putting pressure on, which is why I agree the card was a bad idea.

[Neon Ignition]

Yep, a single text could be okay but keeping it simple will be key. I'd just keep it as simple as saying happy valentines and hope your well, avoiding any talk of yourself and how you're doing. The temptation will be to keep demonstrating to her that your improving and making these changes but given how limited your contact is at the moment it's probably best to keep that aspect down to brief updates every other time you speak otherwise you run the risk of her thinking you're making it about yourself rather than her, written comms can be a git for getting tone right. That and it being valentines day will add an extra layer of rawness to everything so simple and easy is likely the best way forward tomorrow, in fact if you get on a string of replies wit her I'd avoid talking about yourself unless she directly asks how you're doing and even then keep it pretty straight forward. By the sounds of your posts, especially on valentines, it's putting across that you're putting her wellbeing first and foremost in your concerns that will gain you the most favour with her and will best show the lessons learnt.

[QualityChimp]

I'm in the "don't text" camp.

Whatever you put, you'll end up hand-wringing wondering if you wrote too much, too little or the wrong thing.

Also, I know you love Freya, but be careful when you do contact your girlfriend that you don't put too much emphasis on the cat.

Your posts are littered with:
" I love them both on valentines",
"happy valentines to them, saying I love them both",
" giving a treat for Freya. It’s been 10 years without missing a card, and getting Freya’s food on valentines",
"to my two girls, I love you both with all my heart",
"and have a chance for them to see and return",
"Basically said I missed them both so very much",
"she will end up gone forever, and my little girl Freya gone forever too",
"get my girls back" and so on.

It's going to start sounding like you just want the cat back, rather than your girlfriend, and that is definitely not something she wants to hear.

It's your relationship with your girlfriend you're trying to repair, so I'd stop focusing on the cat.
If she comes back, the cat will come with her.

I just want to add the caveat that I want you to know I'm not having a go, I know you're emotionally raw at the minute, so I hope you don't misunderstand what I'm saying and my intentions.

I hope you feel this is a safe space and anything we say is trying to help.

[MrKirov]

No thats fine, I appreciate the advice.

I do miss my cat though haha, she was like my therapy cat almost, when this condition first arose. She was always by my side, so losing her right now is tough, as I feel I could cope considerably better if I still had her. Its painful because she knew i'd never let the cat go, so her taking her while I wasnt there is particularly painful. They're both my family though, and I love them both, so its hard not to include her. You've heard me on PSN talking to my cat hahah.

I've got a text sensor anyway from my mum- shes vetting them before I send - so at least I get a womans perspective. Shes read out historic arguments and seen the text I sent and received on Saturday. She seems to think its a good idea to text, if only to say you're thinking of them and keeping lines of communication open, and also a chance to show some positivity- as it will likely be hard for both of us tomorrow.

I think people have got to remember though, that im still myself. I'm still going to do things that are in character to me. Irrespective of whats happening now, for 9+ years we were happy with me doing what I do now- being me. The problem is that "me" has been diluted or blurred as of late. And ive not been the supportive partner I always have been.

Trying to be out of character, and second guessing everything I do - its more likely to fail.

She knows me well and knows when things are out of character- I see it that I continue doing what I always did prior to my mental health- it shows that I can be myself again. If that fails, and she no longer wants what I was- well so be it, at least i'm truthful to myself and not trying to perform mental hurdles to understand the "right" move.

I'm giving her the space she requires however. "Me" would still probably want be texting her a lot and trying to talk. I'm not doing that, im not going to suffocate her. I understand that.

[QualityChimp]

Glad you understand, MK.

I know you love your cat from your posts here and listening to you talk to her when we're on PSN (when you really should have been focusing on the nergigante attacking us! ), but calm it down when you're communicating with your girlfriend.

Sounds like you're set on texting, so keep it brief.
"Missing you. I hope you're okay. I'm still striving to sort myself out and looking forward to talking when you're ready."

Notice I didn't mention the cat!