Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

A Joke Thread

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

    A Joke Thread

    I don't know about you lot, but I rarely get to hear any decent jokes these days and whilst there are a plethora of sites on the interwebz with jokes on them, it's just not the same as coming across a new one someone has told you. So I figured I'd start this and see if there any gems out there to share as I couldn't find a thread on here for such things. So come people, share...

    Here's my starter:

    A guy walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with ?5 notes. The man approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"

    "Well, you pay ?5, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."
    "What are the three tests?" asks the man
    "Gotta pay first."
    So the guy gives him the fiver, and the bartender adds it to the jar.

    "OK, here's what you have to do. First, you have to drink that whole bottle of pepper tequila -- the WHOLE thing at once -- and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."

    "Well, I know I've paid my fiver," says the man, "but I'm not an idiot. No wonder you've collected so much money -- that's impossible!"

    The new guy proceeds to drink several whiskeys, and eventually, he gets up his nerve.

    "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" he slurs.

    He grabs the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands and downs it, gulp by gulp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back. Everyone in the bar hears a huge scuffle outside -- barking, yelping and growling, then silence.

    Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body.

    "NOW," he says, "wherez at ol' lady with the sore tooth?"

    I thank you...

    #2
    £12 million is a lot of money to spend on security during the Pope's visit but if it keeps our children safe for a few days then it will be money well spent.

    Comment


      #3
      A man walks into a pub, sees the barmaid, who he recognises as Jordan.

      He sees a sign next to her, stating 'cheese sandwich-£1.50' and 'handjob-£10.00.'

      He asks her, "Are you the one giving the handjobs?" To which she replies, "Yes."

      "Well wash your hands then you dirty b1tch, I want a cheese sandwich.".

      Comment


        #4
        What's the difference between Rob Green & Cheryl Cole?

        Cheryl Cole caught something in Africa.

        Comment


          #5
          If anyone in the North East knows the whereabouts of Roaul Moat, could you please tell him that John Terry, Frank Lampard, Ashley Cole and Wayne Rooney also shagged his girlfriend

          Comment


            #6
            What have Alex Reid and KFC got in common?

            They're both greasy and come in a bucket.

            Comment


              #7
              Jordan walks into a pet shop and says, "I'd like a puppy for my son, please."

              "Sorry mam," replies the owner, "We don't do part exchange."

              Comment


                #8
                Man was rushed to hospital yesterday with 3 horses stuck in his arse.



                Doctors describe his condition as stable.

                Comment


                  #9
                  I read a news report the other day saying that terrorists had started putting bombs inside tins of Alphabetti Spaghetti. If one goes off, it could spell disaster.

                  Comment


                    #10
                    I was at a cash machine the other day when an old woman walked up and asked if I could help her check her balance, so I pushed her over.

                    Comment


                      #11
                      You have to say this for it to work:

                      This mango's in a bar, but the barman says "sorry we don't serve fruit".

                      Comment


                        #12
                        I went to the zoo the other day?and all it had in it was one small dog.
                        It was a Shih Tzu.

                        Comment

                        Working...
                        X