The Banter Thread / Banter Topic / Sean Bean

[Spatial]

Oh, the luxury of it. For the last three days in work I haven't had time to even fart.

Stupid employer. Fancy paying me money and having the cheek to expect me to actually earn it

*grumble grumble grumble*

[HaHaUK]

U.S. SEX LAWS

In Bakersfield, California, anyone having intercourse with Satan
must use a condom.

In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while
hunting or fishing on your wedding day.

In Minnesota, it is illegal for any man to have sexual intercourse
with a live fish. (Apparently it's OK for women.)

No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic,
onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife
so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.

Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't
allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with
you -- or holding you in his arms.

Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between
members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown --
if they're nude.

In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to
have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart
when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make
love on the floor between the beds!

The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to
provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even
if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have
sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton
nightshirts.

An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from
having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer!

A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called
master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.

In Romboch, Virginia, it is illegal to engage in sexual activity
with the lights on.

In Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets
because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of
a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American
male."

It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police
officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any
suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up
from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two
minutes before getting out of his car to investigate.

A law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a
table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two
ounces of clothing. (Ouch! These pasties hurt!)

Anywhere in the U.S., it's illegal to use any live endangered
species, excepting insects, in public or private sexual displays, shows
or exhibits depicting cross-species sex. (Insectophiles apparently were
successful in their lobbying efforts.)

Lovers in Liberty Corner, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their
lustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while
they are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term.

In Carlsbad, New Mexico, it's legal for couples to have sex in a
parked vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the car or
van has drawn curtains to stop strangers from peeking in.

Women aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio
- a man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't!"

No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within
the boundaries of Tremonton, Utah. If caught, the woman can be charged
with a sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the local
newspaper." The man isn't charged nor is his name revealed.

It is illegal for any member of the Nevada Legislature to conduct
official business wearing a penis costume while the legislature is in
session.

[Big Seany]

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings, the level
has just been raised from 'miffed' to "peeved'! Soon though, the levels may
be raised yet again to "irritated' or even "a bit cross". Londoners have
not been a "bit cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but
ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "tiresome" to "a bloody
nuisance", The last time a "bloody nuisance" warning level was issued was
during the great fire in 1666.

Be aware that the French government announced yesterday that it has raised
its terror alert level from RUN to HIDE. The only two higher levels in
France are Surrender and Collaborate. The rise was precipitated by a recent
fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing
their military capability.

It's not only the French that are on a heightened level of alert, the
Italians have increased their alert level from "shout loudly and excitedly"
to "elaborate military posturing". Two more levels remain, "ineffective
combat operations" and "change sides".

The Germans also increased their alert state from "disdainful arrogance" to
"dress in uniform and sing marching songs". They have two higher levels,
"invade a neighbour" and "lose".

Seeing this reaction in continental Europe the Americans have gone from
"isolationism" to "find another oil-rich nation in the middle east ripe for
regime change". Their remaining higher alert states are "attack the world"
and "beg the British for help".

Finally over there in Britain they've gone from "pretend nothing's
happening", to "make another cup of tea". Their higher levels are "remain
resolutely cheerful" and "win".

[anephric]

As an Italian (well, mutt) I take umbrage at your remarks, Johnny Red Coat, and I invade your smelly, grey, sexless country armed with a sharpened aubergine. Luckily, if the battles goes not too well, my tank has more reverse gears than forward and I shall escape, hopefully to lose my virginity to a prostitute on my return, like most Italian men.

[Concept]

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings, the level
has just been raised from 'miffed' to "peeved'! Soon though, the levels may
be raised yet again to "irritated' or even "a bit cross". Londoners have
not been a "bit cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but
ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "tiresome" to "a bloody
nuisance", The last time a "bloody nuisance" warning level was issued was
during the great fire in 1666.

Be aware that the French government announced yesterday that it has raised
its terror alert level from RUN to HIDE. The only two higher levels in
France are Surrender and Collaborate. The rise was precipitated by a recent
fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing
their military capability.

It's not only the French that are on a heightened level of alert, the
Italians have increased their alert level from "shout loudly and excitedly"
to "elaborate military posturing". Two more levels remain, "ineffective
combat operations" and "change sides".

The Germans also increased their alert state from "disdainful arrogance" to
"dress in uniform and sing marching songs". They have two higher levels,
"invade a neighbour" and "lose".

Seeing this reaction in continental Europe the Americans have gone from
"isolationism" to "find another oil-rich nation in the middle east ripe for
regime change". Their remaining higher alert states are "attack the world"
and "beg the British for help".

Finally over there in Britain they've gone from "pretend nothing's
happening", to "make another cup of tea". Their higher levels are "remain
resolutely cheerful" and "win".

Class.

[VR46]

>>>David Beckham runs in early from training one afternoon and dashes to
>>>the bedroom to find Posh spread out on the bed naked, puffing and panting.
>>>
>>>Becks asks her suspiciously "What are you doing?"
>>>
>>>Posh stutters a reply "I'm - er, er.... I'm having a heart attack"
>>>
>>>"Oh no" he cries in despair. "I'll call an ambulance".
>>>He runs downstairs, picks up the phone and begins dialling 999.
>>>
>>>However, he is stopped in his tracks by a tearful Brooklyn. "What's
>>>the matter, son?" asks Becks.
>>>
>>>"Uncle Giggsy is in the wardrobe with no clothes on, daddy" sniffles
>>>Brooklyn.
>>>
>>>Infuriated by this, Beckham runs upstairs and kicks down the wardrobe
>>>door.
>>>
>>>Sure enough, the carpet-chested Welshman is stood there, starkers.
>>>
>>>"You w@nker Giggsy" screams Becks. "My wife is right over there
>>>having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the
>>>sh!t out of Brooklyn."



>>>A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains.
>>>She tells the salesman: "I would like to buy a pink curtain in the
>>>size of my computer screen".
>>>
>>>The surprised salesman replies: - "But madam, computers do not have
>>>curtains...".
>>>
>>>And the blonde said: - "Helloooo.... I've got Windows!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[spagmasterswift]

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to
be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer". The drug
is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles,
cans, from taps and in large "kegs". 'Beer' is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of 'Beer' and
then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered
helpless against this approach.

After several Beers, men will often succumb to the desires to perform
sexual acts on horrific looking women whom they would never normally be
attracted.
After drinking 'Beer', men often awaken with only hazy memories of
exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a
vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's
savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases,
the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."

Men are much more susceptible to this scam after 'Beer' is administered
and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Pass this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to
this 'Beer' and the women administering it..... there are male support
groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with
similarly affected like-minded guys.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "GOLF COURSES" in the
phone book.

[VR46]

made me laugh

> > >>> > Subject: Tommy Cooper ' s Finest
> > >>> >
> > >>> >
> > >>> >1. Two blondes walk into a
> building.......... you'd think at
> > >>> least one
> > >>> >of them would have seen it.
> > >>> >
> > >>> >2. Phone answering machine message - ".....If you want to buy
> > >>> >marijuana, press the hash key..."
> > >>> >
> > >>> >3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm
> for
> > >>> shorts.
> > >>>
> > >>> >The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
> > >>> >
> > >>> >4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
> > >>> couldn't
> > >>> >find any.
> > >>> >
> > >>> >5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid
> > >>> that he
> > >>> >couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
> He said, "No, the
> > >>> steaks are
> > >>>
> > >>> >too high."
> > >>> >
> > >>> >6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant
> > >>> pulled him
> > >>> in.
> > >>> >
> > >>> >7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
> > >>> >shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor
> > >>> replied, "I
> > >>> >know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
> > >>> >
> > >>> >8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
> > >>> >
> > >>> >9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a
> fire
> > >>> in the
> > >>> >craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have
> > >>> your kayak
> > >>>
> > >>> >and heat it.
> > >>> >
> > >>> >10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van
> > >>> covered
> > >>> >with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped
> himself.
> > >>> >
> > >>> >11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of
> his
> > >>>
> > >>> >head.Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
> > >>> >
> > >>> >12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'
> > >>> "That
> > >>> >sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ' Is it common? ' "It's not
> > >>> unusual."
> > >>> >
> > >>> >13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
> "My dog is
> > >>> cross-eyed, is
> > >>> >there anything you can do for him?" "Well,"
> said the vet, "let's
> > >>> have a
> > >>>
> > >>> >look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes,
> then
> > >>> he
> > >>> >checks his teeth.
> > >>> >Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
> "What?..
> > >>>
> > >>> >Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"
> > >>> >
> > >>> >14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball
> > >>> stuck up
> > >>> >my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."
> > >>> >
> > >>> >15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
> > >>> >
> > >>> >16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
> > >>> >
> > >>> >17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
> "Can
> > >>> you
> > >>> >give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's
> your
> > >>> oyster,
> > >>>
> > >>> >go for it.'
> > >>> >
> > >>> >18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There
> > >>> are 5
> > >>> >people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either
> my
> > >>> Mum or
> > >>> >my Dad, or my brother Gary, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu?
> > >>> But I
> > >>> >think its Colin.
> > >>> >
> > >>> >19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your
> round."
> > >>> >
> > >>> >20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking
> battery
> > >>> acid,
> > >>> >and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let
> the
> > >>> other
> > >>> one off.
> > >>> >
> > >>> >21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my
> driving
> > >>> today.
> > >>> >They left a little note on the windscreen.
> It said, 'Parking
> > >>> Fine.' So
> > >>> >that was nice."
> > >>> >
> > >>> >22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm
> in
> > >>>
> > >>> >several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there
> anymore"
> > >>> >
> > >>> >23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning
> > >>> when a
> > >>> >small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish
> > >>> search and
> > >>>
> > >>> >rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect
> that
> > >>> number
> > >>>
> > >>> >to climb as digging continues into the night

[Ady]

I got rained on on Friday after work. I didn't know it was going to rain that day, so I didn't bring an umbrella. It didn't let up at all for a good few hours, so I had to walk in the rain to catch the bus home. I now have a stinking cold, and have spent most of the weekend at home feeling sorry for myself.

[spagmasterswift]

I dont get it.

[marcus]

That advert for 3 mobile phone network where those Japanese women are swooning over some shell-like thing that plays music, what the frig is that all about? What IS that thing they are holding? The adverts rubbish anyways.

Heres Squeeze.

[Spatial]

[HaHaUK]

That advert for 3 mobile phone network where those Japanese women are swooning over some shell-like thing that plays music, what the frig is that all about? What IS that thing they are holding? The adverts rubbish anyways.

doesnt it look like a toy you use if you get a little bored/lonely (*hint hint*)

Squeeze=LOL!

[Kungfu]

Sorry but the 3G advert is quality, recently though it seems the middle section has been cut?

[Spatial]

I just bit accidently bit into a Cod Liver Oil tablet.



I really wouldn't recommend it to anyone.