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Ok, so I just dug out Danger Mouse for the good old C64. And **** me, was it a mistake. This was probably one of the first games I ever played; I remember we were at my great gran's house one Christmas and my dad came through the door with a Dole box full of cassettes and this weird beige keyboard thing which I'd never seen before. We stayed up all night playing Destruct, 1942, and this piece of ****. I say 'all night', but it was probably about 8pm I went to bed (I can't have been older than 5).
At the time, I thought this game was hard, but pretty good. It turns out I was wrong. First off, the graphics are diabolical. I mean, come on. It looks more like an Atari 2600 game. No animation at all and the characters and enemies are just single blocks of colour. Absolute turd. Look at Chuckie Egg II, that's how a C64 game should look, not like this;
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The sound is even worse. Apart from the title screen, which to be fair has a fairly good (if short) rendition of the Danger Mouse theme tune, the rest of the 'music' sounds like cock. For the first level, they've replicated in perfect detail the sound of a refrigerator running. I honestly have no idea what they were trying to get away with here. It's like the noise the C64 would make if it crashed. Actually, I've just realised, it's the exact same sound as that of a tape being rewound. Ground breaking stuff.
So, I've saved the best for last; the gameplay. It's dire. Really, it's about as much fun as wanking off a stegasaurus. Thankfully, there are only three stages and an end of game boss fight thing. I already showed you the first, in which you fly Danger Mouse's car (and by fly, I mean 'move it slightly along the vertical axis') and fire semiquavers at robots because "the only way DM can repel these robots is to play a tune from his jukebox". Of course.
Next you move onto a jungle which has two parts that repeat far too many times. First we're treated to a bull**** rip-off of Pitfall! in which you jump your ass across pools filled with crocodiles. It's weak. Then you have to get around a "mouse-eating puma". What the **** is that? Danger Mouse is about the same size as the puma, so what's going on? I don't know. You have to climb a tree, but there's ****ing snakes and monkeys all over it and they just move around totally at random and if you touch any part of them, you're going down. For some reason you have to get to the top of th tree and when you do, you fall and a bunch of pink **** scrabbles along the bottom of the screen, I think it's supposed to be elephants trampling the puma, I don't ****ing know.
tree.JPG
Nothing kills you in this game. You can crash the car into the robots or jump into the crocodile water, or smash into the puma like a ramjet, but it's not gonna end your misery. There's a time limit for the entire game, and that's it. Most of this game doesn't make any sense. I mean why the **** is Penfold following you around the whole time? He doesn't do anything. He's worse than Tails in Sonic 2. Whatever. When you get past this ****, you have to fight a robot Danger Mouse. Or something. Who cares? I can't even be bothered playing it up to that part again to take a screenshot. You have to move along a giant game of Wizard and press buttons at random until some lights stop moving around and you win for some reason. Right, that's it, the games finished, the review's finished, **** it. Just don't play this game.
Sorrel
Ok, so I just dug out Danger Mouse for the good old C64. And **** me, was it a mistake. This was probably one of the first games I ever played; I remember we were at my great gran's house one Christmas and my dad came through the door with a Dole box full of cassettes and this weird beige keyboard thing which I'd never seen before. We stayed up all night playing Destruct, 1942, and this piece of ****. I say 'all night', but it was probably about 8pm I went to bed (I can't have been older than 5).
At the time, I thought this game was hard, but pretty good. It turns out I was wrong. First off, the graphics are diabolical. I mean, come on. It looks more like an Atari 2600 game. No animation at all and the characters and enemies are just single blocks of colour. Absolute turd. Look at Chuckie Egg II, that's how a C64 game should look, not like this;
car.JPG
The sound is even worse. Apart from the title screen, which to be fair has a fairly good (if short) rendition of the Danger Mouse theme tune, the rest of the 'music' sounds like cock. For the first level, they've replicated in perfect detail the sound of a refrigerator running. I honestly have no idea what they were trying to get away with here. It's like the noise the C64 would make if it crashed. Actually, I've just realised, it's the exact same sound as that of a tape being rewound. Ground breaking stuff.
So, I've saved the best for last; the gameplay. It's dire. Really, it's about as much fun as wanking off a stegasaurus. Thankfully, there are only three stages and an end of game boss fight thing. I already showed you the first, in which you fly Danger Mouse's car (and by fly, I mean 'move it slightly along the vertical axis') and fire semiquavers at robots because "the only way DM can repel these robots is to play a tune from his jukebox". Of course.
Next you move onto a jungle which has two parts that repeat far too many times. First we're treated to a bull**** rip-off of Pitfall! in which you jump your ass across pools filled with crocodiles. It's weak. Then you have to get around a "mouse-eating puma". What the **** is that? Danger Mouse is about the same size as the puma, so what's going on? I don't know. You have to climb a tree, but there's ****ing snakes and monkeys all over it and they just move around totally at random and if you touch any part of them, you're going down. For some reason you have to get to the top of th tree and when you do, you fall and a bunch of pink **** scrabbles along the bottom of the screen, I think it's supposed to be elephants trampling the puma, I don't ****ing know.
tree.JPG
Nothing kills you in this game. You can crash the car into the robots or jump into the crocodile water, or smash into the puma like a ramjet, but it's not gonna end your misery. There's a time limit for the entire game, and that's it. Most of this game doesn't make any sense. I mean why the **** is Penfold following you around the whole time? He doesn't do anything. He's worse than Tails in Sonic 2. Whatever. When you get past this ****, you have to fight a robot Danger Mouse. Or something. Who cares? I can't even be bothered playing it up to that part again to take a screenshot. You have to move along a giant game of Wizard and press buttons at random until some lights stop moving around and you win for some reason. Right, that's it, the games finished, the review's finished, **** it. Just don't play this game.
Sorrel
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