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Nintendo's New Console: All that We Know

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  • Nintendo's New Console: All that We Know

    With yesterday’s news that Nintendo will be unveiling their next console at E3, NTSC-UK can exclusively reveal a number of exciting details about the console.

    We spoke with a source, who is very close to Satoru Iwata, and got the inside scoop about everything you’ll need to know about the Wii’s successor.

    “Project café is a red herring,” he told us. “That’s the name of an actual café that Nintendo is building close to its headquarters in Japan.”

    He went on to tell us that the café will sell Nintendo themed food and drinks.

    “Basically all different kinds of mushrooms,” he said. “And something that they’re calling ‘dinosaur meat,’ but nobody actually knows what it is. That’s something they’re keeping close to their chest.”

    When we asked if he was talking about human hearts, the line went dead, and when we managed to get reconnected we’d completely forgotten what we were talking about.

    The Wii 2

    One thing Nintendo’s not keeping close to its chest are details about its next console, which we were told is actually codenamed “the Nintendo Dimension.”

    “It’s codenamed ‘the Nintendo Dimension,’” said our source.

    He went on: “Nintendo are always about revolutionising the industry and with motion control having really taken off, they’ve had to look elsewhere for that innovation.

    “They had a thought-controlled console ready to go but when fourteen testers died in strange circumstances they had to go back to the drawing board.

    “What they’ve come up with is a console that plays in 5D.”


    Apparently Nintendo have been pleased with both the success of the 3DS, and at the take-up of 3D televisions which allow you to see things as they appear in real life without having to worry about the pesky ‘real life’ part.

    So, what is 5D?

    “Well,” said our source. “The first three dimensions we obviously already know about, and the fourth dimension is time.

    “The example I’ve seen is in a Mario demo, where Mario stumbles upon a time machine. As he uses it, the player themselves is transported to the same time that Mario goes to.

    “A dinosaur level had to be removed from the demo because it was too dangerous, and basically the only time you can go to is 1989.”

    Time machines. We’ve all seen that before. The fifth dimension, though, is where it starts to get interesting.

    “The fifth dimension, though, is where it starts to get interesting,” he said. “Nobody really knows what it is.”

    We questioned him, and it turns out that this fifth dimension is so incredible and mind-blowing, that a human brain simply cannot conceive it.

    “Not even Satoru Iwata knows what it is,” said our source. “It was conjured up by a couple of supercomputers between games of chess, and any time someone tries to look into it and work out what it is, they literally die.

    “Well, not literally, but they can’t work it out.

    “You’ll see at E3. Or, actually, you probably won’t.”

    The Controller

    None of that means that Nintendo don’t still intend to innovate with their controller. Rumours of a touch screen input seem true, but the rumours of it being six inches are incorrect.

    “Although six inches is about an average size,” said our source, “Nintendo have always been about the user experience, and it’s been proven time and time again that bigger is better, no matter how many times people deny it.”

    The touch screen device shipping with the Dimension is twenty inches from corner to corner, and is so large that that it will be shipped with a lectern to rest the controller on.


    Our source tells us that this will be available in “wood” at first, but once everyone’s got one it will be released in different colours so that people buy them again.

    “The lectern is totally necessary, though,” he went on. “Due to the size of the screen, Nintendo have had to release it as a CRT device to keep costs down and it’s quite heavy when you hold it in your hands.”

    The European controller will have large borders and will operate at 50Hz.

    The Power

    How powerful will it be? As powerful as three Ford Focuses, we’re told.

    “I know that sounds weird,” said our source. “Even Iwata thinks so. He couldn’t stop laughing when he was telling me.

    “He considers the Wii to be a 256bit system, but then he realised that it didn’t really mean anything and all he was doing was just doubling the number of the last console.

    “So instead, the Dimension is calculated in horse power, and is the equivalent of three Ford Focuses. I’m not sure how that compares to the Playstation 3 but it can’t be hard to work out.”

    Online

    We also found out about Nintendo’s plan for online with their system. For years, they’ve been held back by the use of ‘friend codes,’ numbers you input into your games to prove that you know the person you’re playing with.

    We can exclusively reveal that the Nintendo Dimension does not rely on these and you won’t need to enter a number to play online.

    Our source told us: “This is the most online Nintendo console ever, and every game will have some online aspect, whether it be multiplayer or showing people a funny cat video on Youtube.

    “But Nintendo is still worried about safety.”

    There have often been concerns from right wing newspapers aimed largely at women that Nintendo’s consoles are used by paedophiles to lure children in to bed. Indeed, in a survey they once made up, it was claimed that the game “Animal Crossing: Wild World” was actually bought by 98% of paedophiles.

    “Nintendo is worried about these stories,” our source went on. “Having the ability to talk to strangers in Animal Crossing left them majorly red-faced.

    “Now, they’re being very pro-active in ensuring you know the people you play with.

    “You can play online with anybody that you want to, as long as you can touch them and they’re in the same room as you at the time.”

    What about the games, though?

    What about the games, though? We asked our source what we can expect to be playing on launch day.

    “You know that Pokémon game that everyone’s always wanted? Full online MMORPG, trainer battles against real trainers? Catching and trading monsters with your friends over the internet?

    “Well, you won’t be getting that.

    “There’ll be a game set in the Mario Universe, but unfortunately what I’ve played of it makes it seem like it will be a shallow, unsatisfying experience.

    “There’s also Dimension Sports.”

    We contacted third parties to see what they were working on, and Ubisoft confirmed that they had 114 titles currently in development for Dimension, and hoped to have 98 of those ready for launch day.

    A spokesman for the company said: “Only 84 of those games form part of our hugely successful ‘Imagine’ series, and while 97 of the 98 games have a ‘z’ in the title, we’re confident that each one will perform admirably at retail, and are hoping for sales in double figures.”

    The Nintendo Dimension will be revealed at E3, this June.
    Attached Files

    • Brad
      #1
      Brad commented
      Editing a comment
      Lol! Very good chaps.

    • briareos_kerensky
      #2
      briareos_kerensky commented
      Editing a comment
      For maximum credibility you should have added infos on the new PSN/XBL-like network Nintendo is working on for their new console.

    • Dirty Sanchez
      #3
      Dirty Sanchez commented
      Editing a comment
      Awesome. Pre order details please while I still have this lob on.
    Posting comments is disabled.

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