Bereavement

[darkangel]

So, some of you know and some of you may not know that I lost my Dad 5 months ago to Pancreatic Cancer, and watching him die a slow and painful death while being utterly helpless was just utter hell for myself and my family. I think I have changed as a person since then, I'm not sure if tougher is the word, but there is a certain kind of darkness in me which I never had before.

Some times are easier then others, some days are hell... last night and today is such a one... I drank quite abit yesterday because of how I feel and it's only made things worse... yet the temptation to drink more is still there... that and starting up smoking again...

So, has anyone else gone through the same? Maybe hearing other people's advice and words on the matter might help me in some small way, but I doubt it... anyway... **** times for all.

[EvilBoris]

I'm sorry for you and your family's loss.
I don't think there is anything anybody can say that will help, but I would try and find hard to not drink anything, it will make you more susceptible to feeling even worse.

I lost my Dad (aged 49) to a brain tumour 6 years ago, from diagnosis to him passing away in under almost exactly one year, because it was in his head it slowly affected his memory and ability he was unable to remember my name for the last few days until he was unable to do nothing but sleep.

It didn't really sinking in properly until about 6 months after for me when it was what would of been his 50th birthday and I had to take almost 6 weeks off work so I could just spend time by myself.
It's an awful time for everyone involved and everyone will handle it differently, I still get quite down as I remember giving him a fathers day card on the bed he passed away and when his birthday comes round. I just have to remember the good memories and how much I loved him.

[nakamura]

I think darkangel, you need to think how your father would feel watching down on you now. His suffering was most certainly horrible but if you are letting the sadness overwhelm you then it could be more than one life lost.
I would try to dig into your heart and memories and and remember the good times, what your father did for you and your family. How he shaped you as a person and how he, along with your mother, gave life to you.

Try to think about the father you lost, not the one that left you in the last few moments. Look through old photos, alone or with family. Share memories. Enjoy the man he was.

I am no expert in this field, I lost a good friend a few years ago which certainly saddened me. My emotions were mixed between sadness and anger as it was a suicide. To this day though, when I think of him it is always about the fun we had in our lives.

That's my advice. Hope it helps and sorry for your loss.

[Pikate]

Sorry to hear that, Pancreatic Cancer is one of the worst ways to go in terms of the effect on families as it's essentially a death sentence and watching loved ones deteriorate from it can be harder than the actual death and leaves mental scars that you don't get from sudden accidental deaths.

In terms of dealing with death I've never had any experience of that personally but some professionally, well my grandmother died a while back but we weren't close so it didn't affect me at all. From my exposure to it though I've seen it's a lot easier on people who have their own children. Probably because they have less alone time to dwell on it and they have to keep functioning so with that in mind I'd say keep busier than you usually would, be as outgoing as possible and try to avoid being alone and dwelling on things. Also cherish people close to you and share your feelings with them, sometimes someone who didn't know your dad you can talk to helps. I don't think we ever "get over" the death of a loved one. We just adapt our lives to go on in their absence, remember them fondly and hopefully over time the pain fades.

Just remember you are allowed to grieve, it's a long process and letting it out is cathartic.

[EJG1980]

As EB says, there's not much anyone can say that will make it feel any better. I lost my Mum in 2007 (in her mid 50's) to liver and kidney problems caused by her muscular dystrophy. It hadn't affected her that much throughout most of her life, but for the last ten years it caused a stoke, she had heart problems and lost all the strength in her legs.

It was quite sudden when she died as she went into hospital and basically her liver and kidneys started to shut down and there was nothing they could do. The just over a week she spent in hospital, where we knew it was just a matter of time before she died, was pure hell. I'm glad I've never drunk or smoked because I would have got through god knows how much in that time.

Personally, for me, the fact that she was no longer suffering was what helped me get over it the most. The week before she died was by far the worst I felt and the worst I coped. After it happened I was glad she was at peace and able to just concentrate on remembering the good stuff, of which there was a heck of a lot

I think time does help (eventually) and you do just have to concentrate on all the good stuff. There will always be moments where you see something, hear something, etc., that will remind you of them, and those moments will always be tinged with a sadness.

[EvilBoris]

I think time does help (eventually) and you do just have to concentrate on all the good stuff. There will always be moments where you see something, hear something, etc., that will remind you of them, and those moments will always be tinged with a sadness.

Yeah that's pretty much it for me. I occasionally have a dream and he is in the dream in some capacity or other, then when i wake up I realise he isn't there again it's sad.

[Dogg Thang]

A hard thread but I kind of think it's a good thing to talk about. Death surrounds us and people are going through their stuff all the time and we often don't notice. Sounds like some of you have had it really tough. I lost my own dad a year and a half ago (he was 61) but we weren't really all that close. Of course that meant unresolved issues would always be unresolved and so I was hit with so many feelings of guilt. But, weirdly (and this may sound all wrong to some of you), at the time it was hard enough that I almost looked upon us not being close as his gift to me. Because if it's that hard when not close, I can't imagine what it must be like when you lose a parent you see every week, such a close part of your life.

I'm in the process of losing my granny (next 24 hours or so) and I know it's going to be so tough on my mum. She's elderly and it's expected and yet it doesn't make it easy.

Boris, I lost a close uncle a few years back to a brain tumour and it was so hard. I feel for you. Well, I feel for all of you (of course) but it's just I know how a brain tumour can be. I didn't really recognise the man who eventually passed away. I still miss him.

I'm just so not cool with the whole death thing. Not one bit. It stinks.

You all have my love and I can never say anything to help or make things better but I do hope you're all looking after yourselves.

[MartyG]

My uncle died of pancreatic cancer a few months back - the sad thing is they thought it had been cured, but because it took so long to diagnose and despite getting the all clear it had ended up spreading elsewhere.

Never something that's easy to deal with, and I can't say anything that will help because it simply won't, but I hope you feel better soon

We're all here for you though - if you find posting about it on a gaming forum helps you out then yeah, why not - sometimes just getting it out there can be enough.

[Mayhem]

A mate of mine died from colon cancer earlier this week... when we heard he'd been put on a ventilator, we knew that the end would be fairly near. The funeral was yesterday. If I'd been closer, I would have gone, but thankfully a few people I knew were able to make it, and many of them were pallbearers.

He had been battling it for about 18 months, and we thought he'd beaten it, until it decided to come back with a vengeance. So many of us have been coming to terms with it, but I guess it was a little easier because we had more time to prepare in a way. Compared to another mate who died suddenly from a heart attack about 9 months ago. He hadn't even made 30.

The internet is great in many ways, and you get to meet many new interesting people, but damn it, it also means you get to see more people die that you know...

[dataDave]

Some of these stories make me appreciate my granddad still being alive that little bit more. He's almost 93.

[ShadowDancer]

I lost my dad to lung cancer in the last couple of months. I try and stay positive, it hurts me worse at night.
I've cried everyday since losing him. Its tough. Hang in there buddy...I know how hard it is x

[JazzFunk]

darkangel and anyone else on here suffering right now, I'm sorry to hear of your pain, please stick in there and see it all as a Demon's Souls-type RPG, life's a right bugger, just grit your teeth and think to yourself "give it a year". A year truly flies.

[MonkeyJuggleDX]

In the last 16 months I've lost both my grandfather on my mums side and my twin brother.

My grandad had been ill and in and out of hospital for a couple of years and the final time he went into hospital, we knew his time was up.

My brother on the other hand, was totally unexpected. He was 31 and just died in his sleep. His heart just stopped working, most likely due to complications from his type 1 diabetes. The timing was **** too, 21st of December. It still gets me and I miss him every day.

After that I started drinking heavily and smoking weed every night - I couldn't sleep without it. However, I've probably had maybe 20 or less cans & bottles this year and haven't touched weed in well over a month.

I'm doing a lot better now, but that's probably due to my daily dose of happy pills. Hopefully I won't need them when my daughter is born(Due a month today!).

[monel]

Sorry to read peoples' experiences in this thread, it may sound patronising but I think it is true to try and remember that the people you lost would want you to live full and meaningful lives in the future. That's easier said than done, I know. Someone I really liked passed away last year, I'll never know the full details but it's very likely that it could have been avoided. It doesn't make any sense to me, at all.

[Decider-VT]

The experience is always going to be different for people but drinking won't help in the long-term. It's easy to lapse into dark thoughts but the best thing you can probably do is to surround yourself with family and go through the grieving process together. Just don't let bitterness or anger at him dying have too much of a hold on you- they're both natural reactions but they can really drown out your other feelings if you let them.

I lost my Dad (aged 49) to a brain tumour 6 years ago, from diagnosis to him passing away in under almost exactly one year, because it was in his head it slowly affected his memory and ability he was unable to remember my name for the last few days until he was unable to do nothing but sleep.

Very sorry to read this, Boris. It's eerie to read someone else's experiences of an experience that closely follows what my dad went through five years ago. (He was 49 too, almost the same cause of death.)