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Life as a Parent 2.4

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    Nothing can prepare you for becoming a parent.

    All the books and articles seem to be geared towards "ooh, it's so lovely, it's so wonderful, la la la" that it's shocking when reality gets in the way.

    There's nothing that tells you that, sure, you've had a terrible day at work and want nothing more than to sit down for 5 minutes with a cup of tea and decompress when you get home but that isn't what's going to happen.

    What is going to happen is that you're going to end up getting into a stand up row with your partner because she's tired in a different way and you bought the wrong butter at the supermarket and instead of previously when you'd have laughed it off and it would have been cute neither of you is backing down and now the baby is shrieking because you've been arguing so loudly!! In the end you just give up and don't speak to each other for the rest of the night.

    *Not my story by-the-way but a good friends.

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      I'm finding two easier to deal with now Nancy is fully walking.

      Her Makaton signing is pretty good too and speech is definitely improving - just being able to say simple words like "hi" and "bye" seem to have calmed her slightly as she is now able to get our attention by means other than squawking!

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        Originally posted by QualityChimp View Post
        If those cheeky urchins want to risk going to bed and with no gruel, that's their choice.
        I used to watch this when I was young and it recently came back into my head. Of course YouTube has it

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          It's definitely a hard learning curve and it can feel extra demanding on your mind as well as everything is so new and everyone else is suddenly so eager to make you question yourself. I've said many times but Midwives are the bane of new parents lives. Utter nightmare and the cause of so much distress if you let them be, if we did have another we've learnt that they can sod right off - we'll be doing it our way without their useless input.

          Going through that first six months or so a second time, it's a whole other experience. My missus had a C-section both times so needed to recover from that but already having a kid around makes it difficult, especially given how poor paternity leave rules are. For a lot of those months my time at home went on taking care of SFJr1's needs so the missus could focus as best she could on her recovery and on looking after the new SFJr2. The trouble is that you have all the issues you did with the first childs first six months, whilst also having to look after that child and on top of that it feels like pure work and no joy because you're not in a position to bond with the new child. It sounds awful but it took longer to feel a proper connection with SFJr2. It's one of those hindsight things that leaves you immediately feeling awful but the initial situation is just so hard, you get there mind.

          Ours are 3 and 1 at the moment though the one year old is scarily close to the three year old because she's constantly desperate to emulate him meaning we have some of the same issues but much earlier with her. Sometimes you spend days where it's constantly seconds between telling them off for something and you are at your absolute limits and can't imagine putting yourself through those six months again or a third. But that's the unique joy of having kids, anyone else and you'd come to resent them, you're kids however can drive you to the tipping point of madness but on the turn of a dime you'd still burn down the world for them.

          They're difficult, tiring, stressful, hard work, maddening and literally the best people I know.

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            I have a 6 month old and he is chilled, funny and active. We feel very fortunate. The first 2 months was a bit of a "what have we done?!!" nightmare. Turns out he wasn't happy JUST having breast milk. Introducing formula changed him completely to a content baby.

            Thinking about a second now to keep him company. Time and finances will never be the same!

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              That's an important one, midwives etc are absolute sods for trying to guilt trip about breast feeding. If the babies unsettled despite feeding, slap a formula bottle. Makes a world of difference and their scare mongering amounts to nothing, all win no lose.

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                Definitely but we are breast feeding and then topping up if need be, or just going formula if I’m doing it. Sadly my nipples are not milk factories heh. Midwives and nurses did push on BF but we are handling as need be. The missus’ brother is in the same position as you Supes, got a 15 month old already and next child will be delivered via C section so his partner will be out of action for a few weeks.

                Forgot to put in my previous post... you know the bit in the new Jumanji film when Kevin Hart realised who his character is meant to be, a glorified bag man? Do feel a bit like that at times, as the missus takes more of the lead in keeping Kathryn content. I’ve had a few poo nappies so far but she’s had poonami one time, and another we hilariously nicknamed “sausage factory” heh.
                Lie with passion and be forever damned...

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                  We had some horrendous Code Browns back in the day. All up the back to the point where we got them out of their clothes with scissors and threw everything out.

                  I don't miss those days.

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                    Our worst still remains the one SFJr1 scooped out his nappy and smeared all over his bedroom wall like a Jackson Pollock

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                      Originally posted by Dogg Thang View Post
                      We had some horrendous Code Browns back in the day. All up the back to the point where we got them out of their clothes with scissors and threw everything out.

                      I don't miss those days.
                      Your missus is a deviant for dirty protests.

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                        Is it possible for the father to have post-natal depression? Really struggling and find myself desperately wishing things are as they were.

                        Even typing that sounds appalling.

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                          [MENTION=7343]prinnysquad[/MENTION]

                          Paternal PPD

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                            Originally posted by prinnysquad View Post
                            Is it possible for the father to have post-natal depression? Really struggling and find myself desperately wishing things are as they were.

                            Even typing that sounds appalling.
                            It’s not appalling. I can totally relate to what you’re writing. Yes, as Teddy has linked to, paternal post-natal depression is a real thing. Even without it, the change can be really hard, especially in those early weeks. The lack of sleep in particular was something that badly affected me, for example. I don’t do well without sleep and I also can’t sleep in small chunks - if I’m up, I’m up so could never get back to sleep the way my wife could. There were times I had pretty awful thoughts about my first baby. When she cried, it didn’t spark a desire to help - it actually sent me up the wall. I could get really angry about it. And yeah, I knew that was wrong and so then that came with a lot of guilt.

                            But there are a few things to understand. The most important is that it gets better. It gets WAY better. Babies settle into better routines, you start getting your sleep back and, most important of all (in my opinion), they start giving back. They start smiling and laughing and interacting and then it’s not just you and a noisy crap machine. That makes all the difference. So yeah, it does get better so hang in there. Also, what you’re feeling is not wrong or abnormal. Many of us can relate to what you’re feeling. Don’t beat yourself up about it at all. Just try to hang in there. It IS hard and anyone who says otherwise either got really lucky or is a dirty rotten liar.

                            The last thing to understand might sound selfish but I truly believe this - you have to look after yourself. Yes, you have a mother and a baby to think of too but it’s like those airplane oxygen masks. They tell you to put your own on first. You have to look after yourself so that you’re in a better place to help them. It’s really hard in those first weeks but you have to find a way of finding your peaceful moments, even if that’s just taking twice the amount of time to take a dump (one of my only havens in the early weeks). Depending on what else is going on, you might have to see if you can get more than that. For example, when my second was born I was in the midst of a big work project and I knew how tough those first weeks were and yet I had to keep it together in work. So I ended up sleeping in a separate room and not doing the baby night shifts. I might sound like the worst husband in the world but it meant I was much stronger mentally and could keep work going while being much more use when I was at home because I wasn’t a wreck. Ultimately it was better for all of us. In order to better help them, you have to find ways to be kind to yourself.

                            If you’re really concerned, do seek help. If you want to talk anything out, please do or you can feel free to drop into my PMs at any time.

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                              [MENTION=7343]prinnysquad[/MENTION]

                              It does get better. Truly, it does.

                              I read the other day that in the first year a parent loses 1000 hours of sleep in the first year which is about 3 hours a night. Obviously some nights are better than others. I'm like Dogg in that I can't do piecemeal sleep. It's all or nothing so being woken from that is a ballache.

                              We're all here for you bro. If you want to PM me on FB too please do and we can chat.

                              As [MENTION=3144]Dogg Thang[/MENTION] says make sure you look after yourself. Make sure you see your friends whether either be for a coffee, to the cinema or a pint down the pub.

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                                Thanks guys.

                                It’s comforting to know that I’m not feeling a load of weird ****. That article was a big help Teddy. And your post resonated a lot Dogg.

                                The missus has picked up that not all is well with me but she’s off the mark. She thinks I’m getting agitated that I’m not really bonding. However, the reality - that’s only really dawned on me today - is that sometimes I have little interest in the baby. She keeps saying ‘hold him and bond with him and you’ll feel better’, whereas I just want to scream and say LEAVE ME ALONE. I don’t want to sit with the baby in the crook of my arm.

                                I’m perpetually exhausted. Christmas was a shambles because I was on red alert 24/7. I barely slept a wink on Christmas Eve worried that the missus would enter labour that night, after she’d said she felt ‘different’ pains in bed. The rest of the break was on tenterhooks because he was overdue. The hospital experience was a gruelling nightmare that lasted 8 days - 2 of which I spent in the building sat on chairs with zero sleep and 3 of which I had to travel for hours from work straight to the hospital without eating, before getting back home at 11pm starving and exhausted. The delivery was by section, so in hospital I had to do an awful lot of busiwork, and worried constantly about the missus suffering the pain of surgery while having a baby who cluster feeds.

                                About 2 days after getting them all home I got smashed to bits with viral gastroenteritis that effectively quarantined me for four days in the upstairs of the house. The GP took one look at me and said ‘you’ve been hit by this when you’re at your physically weakest, and you’re emotionally exhausted.’ Cue more guilt that I couldn’t get involved. I’m still getting stomach cramps now two weeks later.

                                Since going back to work on Monday I’ve been getting in at 6pm, doing a load of chores, having a baby thrust onto me, who then bawls and screams immediately. All night the missus is feeding, sat hunched over in bed, utterly exhausted herself. I wake up constantly, having to help in any way possible. The baby is still cluster feeding - on average 20 times a day and totalling 7-8 hours. I feel worried about her. She’s in physical pain and feels alone, which further isolates me because I feel guilty about being disinterested.

                                I just beed a day to myself. A day doing what I want to do. A lie in then playing some games or something. Just to ground myself again. I feel like I’ve undertaken some Herculean task that I don’t want to do, and every day is a surreal exhausting hell that has to end sometime, right? I’m sick of coming back home and having to wait for cooing visitors to piss off so I can get some downtime. My dad came today, for an hour. An hour that lasted from 1 until after 5. I didn’t get to relax one bit and got lectured on finances and bonding with the baby. I wanted to grab an hour on a game, or go out and see that film I’ve waited years to see, or just grab a bloody snack when I want to without having to entertain the next round of visitors.

                                It is really really getting to me and I am desperate for it to change. I appreciate it all sounds selfish and irresponsible, but I do feel entirely trapped and massively guilty that I having limited interest in this unresponsive angry tomato screaming constantly and making me the most tired I’ve ever been.
                                Last edited by prinnysquad; 26-01-2019, 20:17.

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