This sounds all too familiar only it’s worse for you because you were hit with this bug. In that situation, none of this is selfish or irresponsible. It’s almost just survival. You might not get a full day to yourself but, yeah, you need to somehow find a little bit of time to clear your head or rest or whatever. But another thing really struck me in your posts - the cooing visitors. I’m not big on visitors at the best of times. But people invading my space during what was already a hard time was way worse for me. Having to be ‘on’ or make small talk or listen to baby advice I didn’t want was a pain in the rear end. And as hard as it was, I had a sense that I now had to make a family - my own family. Not the extended family. So to a large extent, I booted everyone out. Visits were carefully controlled and usually split up with a day of no visits. My wife really wanted her mother there all the time but even she understood when I explained I simply could not relax or feel like I could establish any sense of a new normal with a whole bunch of other people around. So that was something that was really important for me and maybe it’s worth considering seeing if you can establish some limits on that.
Or alternatively see if there is a way you can use those visits to carve out your own time. Like if they are specifically your wife’s side of the family and you know they aren’t entirely useless, vanish upstairs with a handheld system, as far away from the sound as possible.
And really that’s all part of what was essential for me to survive those early weeks - I had to establish my own rules. Not based on what everyone else expected of me. I didn’t abandon my wife and we worked through these things together but I was as strong on my own needs as I was on hers because that’s what it would take for me to be okay and to be of help when I was there. What you need will no doubt be different to what I needed but this situation basically sends your life totally out of control and, at a certain point, you need to feel like you’re getting that control back. So you could ask yourself what you think you need. What would help. And talk it through and see what can work for both of you.
One other piece of unsolicited baby advice (just like the type I didn’t want but it seems relevant in this situation): if yu haven’t done so already, consider getting one of those baby routine books. The main reason is to mentally give you a plan. So the baby isn’t just some tornado in your house that can’t be controlled. So that, even if the routine is all over the place now, you can start to feel like there is a path to taking control back. We went as far as writing out the schedule on a giant piece of paper. The baby didn’t get into the routine for a good while but even seeing that schedule and knowing there was a plan was mentally helpful to me.
Look, much of that might not be relevant and you have to find your own way but do consider your own needs. It isn’t just about the baby. It isn’t just about your wife. You’re in this too and you all need to be looked after and have needs met as much as is possible until things ease off. And as we’ve said, they do ease off.
Or alternatively see if there is a way you can use those visits to carve out your own time. Like if they are specifically your wife’s side of the family and you know they aren’t entirely useless, vanish upstairs with a handheld system, as far away from the sound as possible.
And really that’s all part of what was essential for me to survive those early weeks - I had to establish my own rules. Not based on what everyone else expected of me. I didn’t abandon my wife and we worked through these things together but I was as strong on my own needs as I was on hers because that’s what it would take for me to be okay and to be of help when I was there. What you need will no doubt be different to what I needed but this situation basically sends your life totally out of control and, at a certain point, you need to feel like you’re getting that control back. So you could ask yourself what you think you need. What would help. And talk it through and see what can work for both of you.
One other piece of unsolicited baby advice (just like the type I didn’t want but it seems relevant in this situation): if yu haven’t done so already, consider getting one of those baby routine books. The main reason is to mentally give you a plan. So the baby isn’t just some tornado in your house that can’t be controlled. So that, even if the routine is all over the place now, you can start to feel like there is a path to taking control back. We went as far as writing out the schedule on a giant piece of paper. The baby didn’t get into the routine for a good while but even seeing that schedule and knowing there was a plan was mentally helpful to me.
Look, much of that might not be relevant and you have to find your own way but do consider your own needs. It isn’t just about the baby. It isn’t just about your wife. You’re in this too and you all need to be looked after and have needs met as much as is possible until things ease off. And as we’ve said, they do ease off.
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