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Life as a Parent 2.4

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    This sounds all too familiar only it’s worse for you because you were hit with this bug. In that situation, none of this is selfish or irresponsible. It’s almost just survival. You might not get a full day to yourself but, yeah, you need to somehow find a little bit of time to clear your head or rest or whatever. But another thing really struck me in your posts - the cooing visitors. I’m not big on visitors at the best of times. But people invading my space during what was already a hard time was way worse for me. Having to be ‘on’ or make small talk or listen to baby advice I didn’t want was a pain in the rear end. And as hard as it was, I had a sense that I now had to make a family - my own family. Not the extended family. So to a large extent, I booted everyone out. Visits were carefully controlled and usually split up with a day of no visits. My wife really wanted her mother there all the time but even she understood when I explained I simply could not relax or feel like I could establish any sense of a new normal with a whole bunch of other people around. So that was something that was really important for me and maybe it’s worth considering seeing if you can establish some limits on that.

    Or alternatively see if there is a way you can use those visits to carve out your own time. Like if they are specifically your wife’s side of the family and you know they aren’t entirely useless, vanish upstairs with a handheld system, as far away from the sound as possible.

    And really that’s all part of what was essential for me to survive those early weeks - I had to establish my own rules. Not based on what everyone else expected of me. I didn’t abandon my wife and we worked through these things together but I was as strong on my own needs as I was on hers because that’s what it would take for me to be okay and to be of help when I was there. What you need will no doubt be different to what I needed but this situation basically sends your life totally out of control and, at a certain point, you need to feel like you’re getting that control back. So you could ask yourself what you think you need. What would help. And talk it through and see what can work for both of you.

    One other piece of unsolicited baby advice (just like the type I didn’t want but it seems relevant in this situation): if yu haven’t done so already, consider getting one of those baby routine books. The main reason is to mentally give you a plan. So the baby isn’t just some tornado in your house that can’t be controlled. So that, even if the routine is all over the place now, you can start to feel like there is a path to taking control back. We went as far as writing out the schedule on a giant piece of paper. The baby didn’t get into the routine for a good while but even seeing that schedule and knowing there was a plan was mentally helpful to me.

    Look, much of that might not be relevant and you have to find your own way but do consider your own needs. It isn’t just about the baby. It isn’t just about your wife. You’re in this too and you all need to be looked after and have needs met as much as is possible until things ease off. And as we’ve said, they do ease off.

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      Originally posted by Dogg Thang View Post
      consider getting one of those baby routine books.
      Yes. It can be a huge help. You don't have to take it as a strict plan or anything, just try and put the bits that work for you together and pretty soon you have a routine. It really helped us. Both our two were Gina Ford babies.

      @prinnysquad it'll start falling in to place mate. The emotions going on along with the sleep deprivation really hammers you. Try not to give yourself a hard time. It's a big adjustment for everyone.

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        The first month is hardest because new borns are programed to be asleep in the day and wake at night (because **** sleep right!)
        Your wife needs to get on a feeding routine hard and fast (get away from cluster feeds) feed every 2/3 hours or that baby will quickly learn that crying=food. This means putting up with crying until said feeding time, which also sucks. Once you have that routine, you can then learn to sleep between feeds during the night and eventually do a 'Dream Feed' (look it up, worth doing because it means almost a full night's sleep).
        As for yourself, learn to power nap. I got 20 minutes in my car everyday at work. Even if its just with your eyes closed and your brain switch off for a bit.
        I felt depressed, tired and pissed off all the time, but the quicker you can get a routine the better.

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          Cheers lads. I’ll try to take on board as much of your advice as possible. It’s nice to know that most people found it rubbish to some degree.

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            Some babies need to cluster feed though. If they're crying because they are hungry you feed them. Harry was a cluster feeder but Nancy wasn't.

            Every baby is different so just because something worked for one person doesn't mean it will work for you.

            The only hard truth is that it is hard but you have to look after yourself as well.

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              I remember it hitting me how stupid the phrase “I slept like a baby” is. It should mean you woke up every two hours looking for boob.

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                Originally posted by Dogg Thang View Post
                I remember it hitting me how stupid the phrase “I slept like a baby” is. It should mean you woke up every two hours looking for boob.
                Those were the days!

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                  Hehe.

                  [MENTION=7343]prinnysquad[/MENTION] I understand all of these feelings. Consider supplementing breast milk with some formula. It changed our baby. I wanted to do it after a week. The mrs felt that she would have failed. She finally caved when we went away on a caravan holiday for a week and the difference was immediate. The baby felt a huge relief, and so did we. He was born 6lbs 6 so a bit little and wanted to bulk. 4 months later and he is a long healthy baby.

                  Next time we are mixing feeds from day 1 if we need to.
                  Last edited by cutmymilk; 27-01-2019, 16:01.

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                    We're currently undergoing that other great burden for the first time - potty training. Didn't get much chance at the weekend but so far I'd say he's halfway there. He's starting to tell us if he thinks he needs to go though there's a couple of accidents a day still.

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                      Not quite sure how it happened, as neither my daughter or my other half's two grandsons had been to the toilet in the period before, but on Sunday I picked up the TV remote, only to find a massive smear of child **** on the underside. And the other week there was a brown nugget on the living room carpet, again with none of them having laid cable in the hour or so previous to me finding it. Today my daughter needed help wiping as it was a 'sloppy one'. Now bear in mind my daughter could fire out raisins like a gatling gun and it would still be 'sloppy', so I took this with a pinch of salt. What awaited me was beyond belief. Probably a number two on the Bristol chart about the size of a malteser was in the bowl, yet an entire sheet of toilet paper AND what seemed like half of her backside was smeared with the stuff. How is that even possible?

                      It's like, every single time something just makes me think I'm not up to parenting, it involves poo.

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                        Had a week from hell at work and was completely knackered last night. I got nagged to hold the baby to ‘bond’ with ‘quality time’.

                        He cried for 7 hours straight and I ended up getting to sleep at 3am. He fed, got wind, and needed changing in a cycle that just seemed to involve making himself ill and wailing. You scare yourself because you just feel like throttling the bugger. Even in jest, it’s inappropriate.

                        Totally sick and just wanting to sleep, I blurted out that I can’t wait until he’s older and not utterly **** like he is now. That went down like a hooker by the docks, so the atmosphere could be sliced with cheesewire now.

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                          People say babies can sense your stress and it creates a feedback loop.

                          I don’t know how true that is but is there anyone else on hand to help out? They wouldn’t be going through your emotional stuff.

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                            It makes sense. It’s just difficult to be calm when you’re so tired and frustrated.

                            There’s no one else on hand really to help. The missus’ mother was meant to come up every morning to look after the baby while the missus grabs a few hours of kip. That hasn’t really happened though. She’s 73 and it has taken its toll on her. She’s slotted back into her pre-grandchild routine of going to the pub and various places with her mates most mornings. The Last of the Summer Wine crew eating eclairs over knitting and having bacon sandwiches in the local Spoons.

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                              Managed 5 hours on my own this morning.

                              Feed - wind - sleep - repeat.

                              I actually got some gaming in by strapping him into the lounger next to me. It’s done me the world of good.

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                                That’s good to hear. I actually played through Fallout 3 when my first was a baby doing similar things.

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