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    Originally posted by MrKirov View Post
    This has literally just made me cry at my desk.
    Ah, there's nothing quite like bringing a man to tears over his hardships. Seriously though, we're all rooting for you. You've got this. There are going be some hard days and nights ahead but you've got this. We're always here for you if you need to vent or talk things through.

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      Sorry to hear, both of you. Life can be sucky in so many ways and I'd agree that anxiety is one of the worst monsters to exist with.

      I'd suggest counselling or some kind of talking therapy instead of CBT, something where you can talk your stuff. I have always found CBT to be like homework, rating everything on a scale. It never felt natural to me. Especially when the anx has hit hard...that little weekly chart will mean nada.

      I think you said you were a 'waster' and it's not healthy to think like that, I think about myself like that all the time and gets me nowhere but oblivion. So maybe start by easing off on the negative self-talk, if you can. I know it's tough, Christ, aaah.

      There is always a light but you never see it in the darkness.

      (Just wish it would bloody hurry up!)

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        I’m going home now. To an empty house. I’m petrified.

        Without hearing my little girl running around and catching me, or without my fiancĂ©e laying down next to me watching telly or whatever. It’s so painful.

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          I keep wondering if she’s thinking about me. Missing me maybe. I don’t know. I’m so scared.

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            I’m literally sat here crying on the bus. A picture of my little Freya is my wallpaper on my phone, and the thought of not seeing her again has just hit me hard.

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              Aw man, that's rough. It's going to be hard there. Is there anyone you call? Anyone you can have to come over and just talk or watch a movie? Any mates close by at all? Even a family member. It sounds like it would be a good idea to have company so you're not just swimming in your own thoughts. Given what you're going through, I would hope there is someone you can call. Don't worry about being an imposition - this is a temporary thing and, like I said, you're doing all the right things so you've just got to get through the short term. Having someone around would really help.

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                Not really. Only last night did I reconnect with family, my mum now lives in Spain, and my sister and brother in law recently split up and it would be so painful for me to be around either of them bringing their own problems back up when it’s so raw.

                I also don’t want to not go home, I might need to get used to being there alone and I don’t want to put it off. This will be my first weekend alone in forever and I’m already struggling with that concept. The more time I’m there alone the easier it might be.

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                  Originally posted by MrKirov View Post
                  I also don’t want to not go home, I might need to get used to being there alone and I don’t want to put it off. This will be my first weekend alone in forever and I’m already struggling with that concept. The more time I’m there alone the easier it might be.
                  You're right and, as hard as it is, I feel it's such a good sign that you're thinking this way because it's pretty practical. But as you've said, it's going to be hard and not everything has to happen right away. If there is even a mate you can Skype for a couple of hours, I think that would help. It will help make the evening go quicker and then you're already one evening down and pushing forward with your plan to help yourself.

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                    A friend of mine went through something similar just over a year ago and he was on the phone loads (he lives over 200 miles away) and I was glad to be there for him each and every time. I was really happy he felt like he could call so much, and speak so openly. Friends will be there for you. Don't ever feel like you're bothering anyone. Just don't sit alone despairing. Reach out to a friend.

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                      And not only that, there is also The Samaritans, there is a free phone line. They can be very useful. I've only phoned them once but I'm glad they were there, they have some great people working for them.

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                        My wife and kid left me alone to go out to Kuala Lumpur to celebrate Chinese New Year for four weeks. I usually go but I'm far too busy this year, plus the dog kennels all cost near €600 for that length of time. I was actually a bit lonely at first but now I wish they weren't coming back so soon - I'm absolutely smashing work (new personal best over January), making some phenomenal food, actually getting chance for gaming, smoking weed in the house (when I'm not baking edibles) and sleeping in bed with the dog.

                        I've had some mild stomach/chest pains for a while which have totally ceased since I've been living like this. I just need to get back to the FFXI crack den to complete the enlightenment circle.

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                          My heart goes out to you Kirov. I can't imagine how you feel. All I can say is time is a healer. You never know what the next six months will bring. Use this time to focus on yourself and maybe in time you can talk again and see.

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                            [MENTION=3332]MrKirov[/MENTION] can you think of 3 great things you experienced today in amongst the dire stuff? Maybe a tasty sandwich at lunch. Or a nice looking building. Or a smile from someone you held a door for. Think hard enough and you'll see them every day. Even when life is turd, keep spotting the tiny great bits.

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                              Last night was tough again. Sleeping there without my girls.

                              I decided to pop over my ex brother in laws for a bit before going home, I felt bad because he’s just gone through a break up with my sister recently- so it was all too raw for him, but it was nice to get away.

                              When I got in I video chatted with my mum in Spain for a bit, it was hard because I wa showing her the house we bought and talking about the plans we had. I was talking as if she was still there and it was upsetting.

                              Got a few hours of sleep, not much more than yesterday. I’m running on empty, so I ca only imagine how my partner is. My work is flexible hours luckily, so I’ll have to stay later- suppose it’s fine when I’ve got nothing to go home too. But on the flip side I’m finding it very hard to concentrate in work.

                              This is going to be a tough weekend. Especially when I know my actions this day last week was the straw that broke the camels back for her.

                              I’m so lost.

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                                Oh my god I’m dead on my feet.

                                I need to be positive, and that’s what she wanted and needs me to be. It’s really difficult right now. I have a doctors appointment today, gonna have to leave work early. Need to get this done.

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