Are you happy?

[charlesr]

Confused if this is the relationship thread.

Was pondering stuff. Like how to measure success. Some people were saying that happiness is the measure of success. But I've decided that isn't practical if the brain sabotages that at random.

I think success is carrying on doing cool stuff regardless of how happy I am.

[Cassius_Smoke]

I think the common way of measuring success is linking it to your career. I don't think this is right.
I once got asked 'What do you do?' and I proceeded to tell him what I did for a living, he said 'No, what do you do in life?'...I honestly didn't have an answer. Maybe if you can adequately answer that question then you have succeeded in life.

[endo]

I think the common way of measuring success is linking it to your career. I don't think this is right.

I partly agree with that, but as for

I once got asked 'What do you do?' and I proceeded to tell him what I did for a living, he said 'No, what do you do in life?'...I honestly didn't have an answer. Maybe if you can adequately answer that question then you have succeeded in life.

Who asks that of anyone? What are you supposed to answer? "Erm, I live it"? You either work or you don't. If you don't it's because you've worked enough that you don't need to anymore or you can't work for whatever reason. What else is there, barring being in the unlikely position of not needing to work without ever having had to?

For that matter, did you ask him the same question and what did he answer?

[Cassius_Smoke]

I partly agree with that, but as for



Who asks that of anyone? What are you supposed to answer? "Erm, I live it"? You either work or you don't. If you don't it's because you've worked enough that you don't need to anymore or you can't work for whatever reason. What else is there, barring being in the unlikely position of not needing to work without ever having had to?

For that matter, did you ask him the same question and what did he answer?

I didn't ask him actually. This was a good few years ago, he was a trainer who came to our work place, I got talking to him after the session.
I think he was aiming at getting hobbies or good deeds perhaps. Like answering 'I play video-games and I'm planning to do the race for life' maybe. Something that better demonstrates your personality, than molding yourself around your job.

[kryss]

Like how to measure success.

Like a #MathBoss with the difficulty of maths textbook I can interpret. Which means I'm less successful now than I was 4 years ago. Jinkies.

[MrKirov]

**** my anxiety ...!!!

Went out on a date yesterday with a girl I’ve been speaking to for a few weeks. We hadn’t spoken in a while but ended up texting on Friday, for a while and ended up with our first phone call for an hour or so. We continued chatting on Saturday and we decided to go out last night.

She offered to come to Newport rather than me travel to Cardiff, so we could both drink. She even booked a hotel room in Newport to stay - about an hour before we were supposed to meet, she text and said the hotel was a dive and she didn’t feel safe, and didn’t know what to do, because she had all her bags with her, and worried she might have to go home and cancel.

I offered to come to mine, and she decided to. She got a taxi to mine, bags in tow. She was GORGEOUS. But yeah, we got a taxi back into town and had a few drinks. Conversation was really good, and we were getting along like a house on fire. We went for food in a restaurant, and ended up leaving because neither of use were hungry enough for a big meal- weirdly we ended up having something quick in KFC before ending to another pub- classy first date right..!! But it was fine, neither of us cared.

We then went to a brewery bar and sat drinking and chatting all night on a two seater sofa. Before we knew it, it was 1.30am and we were the only people left, and we were getting turfed out. We got a taxi back to mine, and the plan originally was that she could either stay, or get a taxi from mine- she decided to stay.

We stayed up until about 4am watching Netflix, cwtching and kissing under a blanket. It was a bit weird, because it was really... natural? It didn’t feel uncomfortable or weird at all, and she was even saying how comfortable she felt in my home with me and stuff, both us of in our PJ’s at that point and her with her legs or head in my lap. The weird part was, it was about 4am and we agreed to go to bed- there was no discussion or anything, we just both went up to my bed and got in.

It should have been weird for me, another woman in my bed- for the first time since it all happened- but it really wasn’t. There was no sex or anything, we just kissed and cuddled the rest of the night away and fell asleep. This morning was good too, we both got ready and had a cup of tea , chatted a bit and watched a little telly. She was going out with her friends so I offered to give her a lift home.

We chatted in the car and she said she felt we are on the same wavelength and feels really comfortable with me, and then we both agreed we would see each other again. She is in a similar situation to me - a 6 year relationship ended four months ago and she’s discovering being single again- and so we have a lot in common. She joked that you could tell we had both been in long relationships because we both were in PJs cwtching in front of the telly on the first date haha.

She got out of the car, gave me a kiss, and that was that. I felt brilliant.

Now, for some reason, I don’t? My anxiety is playing up and making me worry about not seeing her again, and being hurt. Or making me worry it was all a lie and she was just being nice- just loads of negativity spinning around my head at myself- even thought writing that story down above- I can’t think it was anything but positive..? I don’t know what’s wrong with me sometimes.

I text her earlier and we had a little chat, she rarely tends to say too much over text, it’s either long conversations or short answers. That’s just her, and how it has been with her up until we met- but for some reason because she was giving shorter answers today, my brain is turning it negative? It’s frustrating the **** out of me.

Why am I being so down on myself after the best dating experience I’ve had yet? I wonder if it’s anxiety that I’ll ruin it? That it was all a lie? That I’ll never see her again? The general uncertainty of it being new? All that? I don’t know but I’m weirdly down even though it was such a good positive experience...!!! Urgh..!!!

[Cassius_Smoke]

That sounds like a great night Kirov.
I think it's only natural you feel a bit anxious. You had a great time, and you don't want to lose her. You probably miss her too. All natural. Your anxiety issues are probably pushing you in to a slightly more stressful state. Just do your best to stay chilled and remember your mental training.

[prinnysquad]

I know this is easier said than done, but try to approach each date/experience with a que sera attitude.

It’s great to be meeting these worldies. It’s disappointing if nothing comes from them. But that means they were wrong for you. And you only need ‘right’ in your life now. Take the compliment and think, well my looks are good, I just need to click with personality.

Don’t dwell on the also-rans. When the right one arrives, you’ll know it.

[MrKirov]

I know this is easier said than done, but try to approach each date/experience with a que sera attitude.

It’s great to be meeting these worldies. It’s disappointing if nothing comes from them. But that means they were wrong for you. And you only need ‘right’ in your life now. Take the compliment and think, well my looks are good, I just need to click with personality.

Don’t dwell on the also-rans. When the right one arrives, you’ll know it.

You’re right, and I’m doing my best. Yesterday is a bit more difficult because it was so natural- and because she told me we’d see each other again and said all the good stuff about wavelengths etc. This is a completely new situation for me, where I’m actually interested and they seem to be in return- so it’s maybe making me anxious because it’s new? I dunno.

Ultimately it’s still early days, and trying not to pin hopes or anything like that. But I’m definately looking forward to seeing her again.

I was planning on seeing if she wanted to meet again this week sometime, and that should be a good thing- but instead my head is saying “what if she rejects you” or “what if it doesn’t work out”. My inner saboteur at play making it difficult to enjoy what should be a good situation.

[prinnysquad]

It’s a step forward compared to the other ones. That’ll be the source of the anxiety. If it’s right, it’ll happen.

For what it’s worth, I’d be the same as you. Low in confidence and hyper-analysing every ‘failure’ as a personal indictment of my personality. It’s easy to hand out advice when you’re not the one in the midst.

On the oher hand, you seem to have more birds flocking around than an aviary. That tells you something.

[MrKirov]

Annnnnnnnd ive somehow been knocked back again.

I text saying if she wanted to meet up and do something this week, and I got an answer of "I don’t think thats a good idea tbh".

What, the actual, ****.

I just replied saying that wasnt expected, and asking whats up. Havent heard back yet.

Getting fed up of this now. Looks like my anxiety was right.

[Zaki]

Annnnnnnnd ive somehow been knocked back again.

I text saying if she wanted to meet up and do something this week, and I got an answer of "I don’t think thats a good idea tbh".

What, the actual, ****.

I just replied saying that wasnt expected, and asking whats up. Havent heard back yet.

Getting fed up of this now. Looks like my anxiety was right.

Don't send any follow up messages. Give it a few days or a week. And if you don't hear back, leave it.

If someone acts like that, they're not for you, no matter how magical that night was.

[Atticus]

It might be that there are many who, like you, just fancy some dating in a light-hearted way ... just getting out there and having some fun, to move on, or whatever. Don't be too hard on yourself. It's probably more to do with the dating landscape itself.

[MrKirov]

Thats whats odd, we both discussed how we both wanted company and friendship without labels, and just to see what happens. I can only think how perhaps with PJ's and telly, and cwtching in bed it got a little too "relationshipy" and it put her off? I dunno.

I did reply saying just that, so we will see. But yeah, im getting fed up of all this now.

Yesterday I was anxious, and perhaps that was why- I thouht something was up, but where I was thinking it was my anxiety brain- it wasnt- thats the problem now, im not sure what is my anxiety and what is reality. Im starting to feel like its me. I just dont know what im doing wrong.

[QualityChimp]

Oh mate, if I'm honest, I don't think you're being particularly fair, Kirov.

You don't really know what you're looking for, so why should she?

Maybe PJs and cuddles is what she's after, maybe she'd like a bit of excitement.
Maybe she wants a long-term partner, maybe she wants to let off a bit of steam.

You shouldn't blame your anxiety on this, this is dating!
(I hope you're still following the doctor's prescription, by the way)

Sometimes it's chemistry when it doesn't make sense, sometimes there's nothing and on paper it should be fireworks.

Why have you started dating again, anyway?
You hadn't properly broken up at the start, so is it for a new girlfriend, a bit of fun, an ego boost?

I had my 11th wedding anniversary at the weekend, and I wouldn't trade it for anything, but I can at least admit I'm a bit jealous of all the attention you've been getting!