Are you happy?

[DaytimeDreamer]

Thanks for your kind words everyone. I really appreciate it. I’m besides myself with woe. I’ve never felt like this about a partner before, and I don’t know how to move forward. To go from how good it was to this in such a short time is hard to understand.

On the fateful night, I was so incredibly drunk that I scared her so much, she felt calling the police was the only way to ensure her and perhaps my safety. I’m really in a lot of trouble. It’s the biggest regret of my life so far.

I’m expecting to never set eyes on her again, let alone being able to reconcile with her, but I am full of remorse for my actions that night and I miss her so much that I feel as though she has died.

At 39.5, I had finally found my person. To mess it up over what was initially such a trivial matter has destroyed me.

I feel like I’m a nightmare. I know time is a great healer, but to not even have closure so that she could tell me she hates me is crushing. I can see no light currently.

Oh man, sorry to hear this. Hope things get better for you. Are you not allowed to see her now?

And now my insomnia is driving me mad... this happens every time I’m sick. I just want a few hours of proper deep sleep, I haven’t slept properly since Tuesday night.

So here I am at nearly 1am, everywhere is completely silent apart from the gale blowing outside, and I’m watching Mr Robinson and Co. digging up half of the UK. At least I’ve managed to get a big bag of crisps down me and a couple of cups of tea and keep them down.

Sleep. Please...

4 hours is all I managed then I woke up dying for a wee. Now I can’t get back to sleep so I’m watching grown men play with toy soldiers. It doesn’t look like I’ll be seeing the boy now until after my birthday due to his bitch mother.

Sorry to hear this bro. Try eating most of your food (especially carbs) before going to bed, they help with sleep and they won't make you fat if you haven't eaten enough carbs during the day (total calories is what matters)

I guess life worries and thoughts before bed it's what making it hard to go to sleep or fall asleep again.

[Dogg Thang]

Coming from this with a different perspective as the son of someone with a drinking problem. What I would say is it is fantastic you’re now taking steps to tackle this. That is a huge thing and ultimately could save the rest of your life. It could be a hard journey or it might not even be depending on your circumstances and who you are (all experiences will be different). Whether easy or hard, it will make your life better from here and you are doing the right thing. Keep your expectations in check with regards to bridges you may have burned. Often there is no going back. You can’t change the past but you can look forward and build a much better future. I’d advise keeping your focus ahead from here. Good luck. You’re doing the right thing.

[JazzFunk]

I remember being in a really passionate relationship about a decade ago, we really loved each other but she was fiery, I'm kinda a quiet bloke who don't like being pushed around and we argued a lot, she could be quite abrasive when her mood swung. And we both drunk like fishes and on the odd occasion argued real horrible saying things that can't be taken back. I said some horrible things and acted in horrible ways at times (I can be extremely obnoxious if pushed) and I've always felt regret for those moments, even if it was just words and vocal tones and angry body languages, I was just a proper horrible, demonic little sh!t in those brief flashes, if ever I act that way I feel sick inside, I'll hate myself for the next six months.

But as time goes on, you have to temper yourself slightly, try not to let yourself get to that point, and such instances happen less. It helps to recognise that demonic element and nip it in the bud while you can.

Trouble with arguments is how they escalate, in pretty much most cases they're not even worth pursuing.

[Neon Ignition]

This thread popped in my head whilst hearing an update about a relative of mine who is pretty much living his life as a lesson in not dealing with things and the consequences of it.

An Uncle of mine has always been fairly indecisive and uncommitted about things, he reached 28yrs old and being tired of not getting where he wanted to in life in work, relationships etc went back to College for two years, followed by Uni, partly I suspect through it being five years of not having to deal with the working world but also through an expectation that a degree would be a passport to a high paid, minimal effort job. After Uni he applied for jobs, didn't get anywhere with that and refused to lower his pay, role etc standards to get a foot through the door.

With time he got fed up dealing with the Jobcentre so stopped claiming seekers allowance and started cribbing money each week off my Nan. He has a trapped nerve in his back but Dr's won't sign off on disability as they say he can work with it, he won't seek work though as he says the opposite so he's brought nothing in himself. Time went on and he became increasingly insular and his thought processes increasingly odd, massively - massively - overthinking things and coming to bizarre conclusions on random things because he's reached a point of himself being the only sounding board his brain has.

He likes the idea of a family and kids, but the reality is he can't stand them, no patience for them at all which means as friends have settled down he's lost contact. Those who were slower to lose contact hit brick walls as he started to impose bizarre do's and do not's on what he'd do and where he'd go (effectively increasingly limiting his travel distance further and further closer to home and in mornings only). Eventually his social circle was just immediate family - A mother he was increasingly becoming angry with, a father he increasingly disliked (despite my Grandad being increasingly affected by dementia by this point which was obviously a huge inconvenience for him) and my Dad who has precious little spare time and was growing increasingly concerned by how things were going and how time was running out for my Uncle to sort things out in his life.

My Grandad eventually moved into a care home and that was a big push for my Dad to try and help my Uncle out. There's no house to inherit from my Grandparents or money to live off so it was a big concern as to what my Uncle was going to do when something happened to both grandparents. My Dad did some research, found out contacts who could help put my Uncle on a waiting list for housing etc so that when the inevitable day came he could avoid homelessness.

That went well.

To say my Uncle lost it is an understatement. He's very much a 'tomorrow doesn't exist until it's today' kind of guy, stick your head in the sand and hope life doesn't kick you up the arse. He blew up massively, tried and failed to kick my parents out of my Nan's home and disowned the family to this day. My Grandad passed away a couple of years ago now (he only attended that funeral very reluctantly at the very last second having intended to boycott it) and my Uncle is 49 still living with my 83 year old Nan who suffers from regular health concerns. He's heavily verbally abusive to her (and she won't do anything about it or let anyone do anything either), has drained thousands off her over the years, speaks to no-one in the world except her and himself and when the inevitable day comes he will almost immediately be made homeless without a penny to his name and no real possessions and nowhere to go.

He is quite literally incapable of any self-reflection that paints himself as being responsible in anyway for what has happened to his life and what will happen going forward. Hates the idea of even looking at it and will burn every person around him to avoid dealing with the very dark reality that he's created for himself. It's a very passive aggressive form of self-punishment. There isn't one atom within me that believes he's cut out for life on the streets, it will very likely be the end of him but he's intent of keeping that path as the only one open to him and has gone out of his way to burn every bridge he can to maintain that. As a formally pretty sociable guy he's essentially forgotten how to deal with people on any level and has one person in his life, an old woman he berates to her face constantly despite her being the one lifeline he still has. He's bitter, angry, alone and without options.


All, literally, because he refused at any point in the last 20 years to talk to someone honestly about things.

[QualityChimp]

That's really sad to hear, Supes.

I hope he finds some direction before it's too late.

[Neon Ignition]

I know it seems like the worst thing to say but I think everyone is fully at a point where he's past helping, not so much from an intending bad things POV, just from a view where no-one can do anything until he does something for himself and it seems the last near 50yrs track record and his approach to life suggests he'd never even consider that.

[randombs]

Maybe it’s best to just let him get on with it. Tough love and all that. I think Grandma has convinced herself she’s helping him and that might bring her a strange kind of happiness(or purpose, perhaps?).

[Neon Ignition]

From how she describes it it seems more a case of obligation at this point, he makes her life a misery which at her age isn't what she needs. A lot of time goes on how inconvenient her scans, operations etc are to him. It's all been massively unnecessary though.

[randombs]

Poor Grandma

[Neon Ignition]

She is properly fed up with it but equally intent on avoiding anything to address the situation because she feels too old and too late in the game to be up to dealing with it so opts for riding out the clock and leaving him to his fate now.

[J0e Musashi]

I am the most unhappy that I’ve ever been in my entire existence. Due to my stupid mistake of seven weeks ago, I’m no longer able to go home. I’m 35 miles away from my soulmate and there is nothing that either of us can do about it for a year. I am the definition of “Forlorn”. She called the police that night only thinking that they would take me away to sober up, and I’d return in the morning, which makes it worse. I got off with the charge of “Criminal Damage”, even though I own the house, but a they gave me a restraining order for free.

I’m a man of fragile mind at the best of times, but this is hard to comprehend. I don’t know that we can weather that kind of time apart and bounce back. I’m scared that she’ll move on.

I’m really at a loss right now. So much that I don’t know what to do. A few nights back I bought a train ticket in a station that I know has high-speed trains. You can probably gather my thoughts and actions, but she is carrying my child. I can’t do that to her and my family.

I literally do not know what I’m supposed to be doing right now. I’ve spent almost £20k on absolutely nothing that I can even remember in the past seven weeks. I can’t fill my time alone.

I’m just venting. I can do that here, and nobody will know in real life that I’m not actually holding it together.

[Colin]

Sorry to hear you’ve got yourself in to this situation Daryl. If posting here helps lighten your load a little it can only be a good thing.

[Atticus]

Vent away Daryl. Sorry to hear you're still going through a tough time. I hope it starts getting better for you soon. You know the door's always open here.

[J0e Musashi]

I was a fool. All of this money I have means nothing. To lose your person is heartbreaking.

I fill my days with with absolutely nothing. I get up at 1pm just so I sleep more.

I honestky dont know how to move forward. In my youth, I dealt with drink and drugs problems. This woman made all of that go away. Not having her has made it so much worse than it had ever been. Everything I do reminds me of her.

I just want iut, but I’m not brave enough to do it because of her, and our child, and my family.

To ne this lost is insane.

Maybe all all of those years of being an idiot have caught up with me? I don’t know, but I’m in limbo. I do know that she wants to make it better, but she feels that she cannot.

I don’t know how to give up the person that I need to make me me.

[Neon Ignition]

The hardest part with any really rough circumstance is holding on in there but it's always worth it, that you were posting one week about how great things were going and then the next about how things had soured shows how quickly things can change in your life and it works the other way just as well even if it can be really hard to imagine how that could be the case.


When it comes to feeling low, the person that struggles with that the most in my life is my missus. She was raised with a very particular impression of her friends and family, a pretty idyllic one where her Mum, Dad and Brother were all very close and spent a lot of time with her Aunty, Uncle and two cousins of whom the youngest was like a little sister she'd look after. Her friends were all close to her too and her issues started when she was about 16 and her parents split on Christmas Eve. Her Dad had been unhappy for some time and had started seeing someone else so getting back together was off the table, a couple of years later her brother moved out and had kids and her mum got in debt and moved in with my missus who had herself moved out to try and get a clear slate.

Drink is pretty big on my missus' families side of things and dominates... well everything they do. It became a coping mechanism too. Her mindset hit further as her best friend was diagnosed with terminal cancer at about the age of 20. That was a long and grim road that really sent my missus under and such events aren't only highly emotional, but they exposed how many friends aren't actually dependable and are caught up on their own stuff too much to care so her circle narrowed down a lot during the aftermath of it all. Things started to settle and then her grandparents, who she was incredibly close to, both died and her other key friend was then also diagnosed with a terminal illness and my missus went through the whole bedside experience again. By the end of it all she was mostly down to just her Mum and one or two others as the years exposed just how self-focused her family and remaining friends were. She'd reached a point, especially after a drink, of feeling like she didn't want to be here anymore. With the type of person she is, effectively ten years of losing everyone in some manner just drained her.

But then the last 8 years since we got together it's been more uphill than down. It's never easy, our money situation is perpetually dire and will take years to sort out which drags her down no end, having the kids has meant the world to her but equally pushing through two miscarriages has devastated her as well meaning that the lows are always there. The most critical defining moment for her for low points is that youngest cousin who was like a little sister to her. 12 weeks after SFJr1 was born she received the phone call from her aunt to tell her that the police had just been round to notify them that she'd been found by students outside her Uni dorm, she'd been out drinking that night, left a long note, then climbed out the 14th floor window and jumped. My missus is still dealing with that and will be... who knows for how long.

All this is a very long aside but the crux of it is, rough times can get incredibly rough but each bad situation has been followed by good, each day she goes home from work to two people who literally exist because she pushed on and the situation with her cousin is the ultimate of not holding on and it led to her, having had similar thoughts in the past, seeing the other side of the effects and how much it solves nothing and just creates more misery.



If you're partner wants to try and rebridge things then it may work to be apart for a while but maybe you can joint apply to have the restraining order revoked, especially citing that you have a child on the way. The child though, it's not a fix for anyone but it does change things massively and is well worth sticking around for.