The Banter Thread / Banter Topic / Sean Bean

[VR46]

I'm ginger and can see the funny side, so hope no-one else ginger takes offence

http://www.gingerkids.org/index.html

[marcus]

Have you seen the 'ginger kids' south park episode? Tis class

[Briareos]

A thread on RLLMUK I saw has a amusing link to this ringtone website - http://4mymob.co.uk/ringtonezone/gb/true_tone - they are imitations of popular songs, some are ridiculously bad

For ex

James Blunt

Speaking of which, has anybody heard that ringtone that sounds like the normal nokia tune but running out of battery?

[VR46]

Geek or Serial Killer ? old but you may not of all seen it

http://www.malevole.com/mv/misc/killerquiz/

[112]

i accidently knocked over my dads old grandson clock and the front pane of glass has shattered to pieces. I feel so............... bad about it especially because my dad spent all day cleaning it up yesterday, for me to break it.

thing is, its older than me, im going to burn in hell for this i know it.

Anyways, jus thought id vent out my frustrations. Thanks for reading.

112

[Ginger Tosser]

I'm ginger and can see the funny side, so hope no-one else ginger takes offence

http://www.gingerkids.org/index.html

You'll might be surprised to hear i'm a ginger too, lol'd at the site.

[muse hunter]

http://www.killfrog.com/

this is a great site for those who never heard of it

[Ish]

YES!!! Bedford Blues beat Exeter today to make it to Twickenham for the cup final. COME ON YOU BLUES!!!!

Made my day

[marcus]

I am a victim of the latest scam which is happening in shopping mall parking lots. Two good looking young women come to your car as you are parking, one starts wiping your windshield with a rag and the other comes to your window and bends over so far her breasts just about fall out of her blouse.

While you?re distracted, the other one lets herself in the backseat and then they both start begging you for a ride home. Be very wary, because as soon as you start driving, one of them will take off her shirt and rub her breasts on you while the othe climbs over the seat and unzips your pants. This is when they steal your wallet. I was robbed last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, but I couldn?t find them on Saturday or Sunday.

[Crisp_Rapper]

i don't have any money anyway... bring it on!!

[VR46]

Brave Man Jokes.


What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??

The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of

perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says: "You're next,

fatty."

********************************

Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is

lying in bed reading.

Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

Wife replies: "I think you'll find,

that is a sheep."

Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

********************************

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to Sydney.

I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for

free."

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and

sees her husband packing his suitcase.When she asks him where he's

going, he replies, "I'm coming too I want to see how you live on $800 a

year".

*********************************

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she

selected:

2 litres of low fat milk

a carton of eggs* 2 litres of orange juice a head of lettuce half a

dozen tomatoes a 500g jar of coffee a 250g pack of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, A

drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in Front of

the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly

stated,"You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued

by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing Particularly

unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the Drunk to her

marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what,

you're absolutely correct.

But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

[marcus]

Sydney Radio - worth a read!!

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.

Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.
The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is Called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.
The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win.
What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."

[3 minutes of commercials follow. ]

DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sara, shall we?" (touch tones.....ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sara, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sara: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any\answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"

Sara: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sara: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sara. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sara: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sara?"

Sara: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sara: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sara: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sara. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

Sara: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sara: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sara?"

Sara: "Well..."

DJ: Come on Sara..... where did you have it?

Sara: "Up the ar$e....."

After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"

And the drivers of Sydney almost crashed their cars laughing

[112]

lol!

i jus nearly choked on my lunch! did they win then?

112

[VR46]

Bit of a grim one

Elton John and his new husband are in their Honeymoon suite when Elton pops out to buy some cigarettes, as he?s leaving he tells his husband not to have a w*nk as they?ll have the rest of the day in bed. He comes back ten minutes later to discover the walls covered in ?man juice?, and says I told you not have a w*nk, to which his husband replies, ?I didn?t, I just farted?

[figflair]

Men's Work - this is quality.

Things that make blokes proud of themselves ...

1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.

2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.

3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks!

5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving and lifting as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.

6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.

7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.

10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moment's eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".

11. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

12. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stick that Becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

15. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?"
to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

16. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

18. TAKING OUT ?200 FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."

20. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.

21. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

23. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"

24. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - A visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized poo.