The Relationship Thread II: Lost in that Last Goodbye

[Dogg Thang]

Only you can work out if you're happy and if you aren't, and if the origins of that unhappiness lies with your marriage, then it's down to you both to work out the cause of it. From rekindiling that spark from a sexual perspective, spending more time together to remember why you both made each other laugh and enjoy each others company, to working out if you're both in each others pockets or like ships in the night. All should be explored as you've worked for this long, you should be able to continue it. But sometimes that means drifting apart..

This is a really good post, mate. It covers a lot of things I have worked through myself. And this part, this is where the focus was more than three years ago. We worked at it so much. And a huge amount of things got way better. But never quite rekindled that connection. And I say that with at least some realistic expectations that you can probably never recapture the early magic or excitement - we move through different phases and that's okay. And I have often wondered if I just have some 'grass is always greener' fantasy at the root of this but I think the crippling fear of moving on probably tells me that's not it. I don't expect things to be better elsewhere. And yet that doesn't change the fact that something is fundamentally missing here and has been for far too long. It's a tough situation.

[Wools]

This is a really good post, mate. It covers a lot of things I have worked through myself. And this part, this is where the focus was more than three years ago. We worked at it so much. And a huge amount of things got way better. But never quite rekindled that connection. And I say that with at least some realistic expectations that you can probably never recapture the early magic or excitement - we move through different phases and that's okay. And I have often wondered if I just have some 'grass is always greener' fantasy at the root of this but I think the crippling fear of moving on probably tells me that's not it. I don't expect things to be better elsewhere. And yet that doesn't change the fact that something is fundamentally missing here and has been for far too long. It's a tough situation.

Thanks mate. I think all of us; Male, Female and all in-between, can notice that a spark does dampen as time goes on. I've certanly noticed that from my side, the media and common wisdom is that each day should be the same as the 1st. But from my experience, from the age of 15 when I had my first adult girlfriend to now in my 7 year marriage, the initial "**** this is amazing, I need to be in her each hour of everyday!" does not last! Obviously, mileage may vary and some people may keep humping like rabbits for the rest of their lives but I've been very happy with mine, but noticed that passion does calm down. In some ways, thankfully. In my teens and 20's I was worried if I sneezed, I would get someone in the vicinity pregnant!

The older I've got, I've been so fortunate in that old girlfriends and now my my Wife have been so open and talkative about how we feel and issues we may have. So for me, the best thing any couple can do is talk. If you talk then you can resolve issues, never let a disagreement turn into an argument and as we both know what each other is thinking, there's no hiding.

It seems like your Mrs is a really sweet person so that's epic to hear, although sad of course if the decision is comming more from your side. However stay strong as if it is, she may have sensed the same things you have, but just not mentioned them to you.

Each person and each Marriage is diffrent. I think the only diffrence with our generation is we've allowed ourself the freedom to break free from a marriage if it's bringing us pain.

[CMcK]

Dogg Thang your story is very familiar. I separated nearly three years from a woman I had been with most of my adult life. As you say the relationship had deteriorated to being in a position of being friends that shared a house. I had come very close to ending things about eighteen months earlier but talked myself out of it and tried, without making it obvious, to sort things. When the time came it had been building for so long it was kind of matter of fact to me but obviously the good lady was upset. The sense of relief I felt that night was huge. My partner came round to my way of thinking after a while and realised it was the correct thing to do. All in it wasn’t a bad breakup but having to stay in the house during lockdown wasn’t always easy.
Once the house was sold that really did mark the end. Strangely I found some catharsis in emptying the house. It represented the life we had together and once I saw the house as a house and not as a home it made things a bit easier.
I still have contact with the ex as we still got on quite well despite it all. We have a lot of mutual friends so there’s always going to be that side of things and I’ve helped her with DIY stuff in her new place but I don’t know if we’ll keep in touch as time goes on.

Now I’m on my own I’ll be honest I’m not really sure what I want. I’ve had a few dates but have been out of the dating game for decades and the world has definitely moved on with apps and stuff. I know with utter certainty I want children but that’s not great baggage to take to a new long term relationship and is also quite unlikely at my age.

I hope you can resolve things and find your place in the world. Having children will be a good anchor for you and the freedom to try new things is great help too.

[Neon Ignition]

Every relationship is unique but if you're now finding yourself in the position of having put years of effort in to try and restore the connection you used to feel and it isn't happening then you're likely in a place where you know your final decision already.

Of all the marriages I know of that have lasted, especially within my larger family, I'd probably consider less than half to be happy ones. The majority seem to have at some point reached the point you describe and they both lost that spark that was there earlier on. It's mixed as to who does and doesn't have kids which is another factor but they're all examples of couples where despite reaching that point in the relationship they've opted to stick it out together most commonly because of their ages and feeling like this or being alone is their lot.

If I'm being honest, I can't think of one of them where they're happy. A very notable streak of resentment seems to set in eventually and there's lots of snarkiness that sets in to how they are with each other. It's worth pondering on whether calling time on it now might save the situation later, particularly with kids involved as they will inevitably notice any change in dynamic and could be affected by it even if they're older now. Some are quite pragmatic about parents separating whilst others like my wife are hit hard even though it her case it was toward the end of her teens.

My missus and I have always agreed that if either of us reached that point we'd push through to walk away from the relationship to try and make whatever follows more easy to deal with rather than let things fray further and further at the edges, likewise that no matter the circumstances the kids must never be a tug of war in a break up.

But, given how complex relationships are, it's a very personal position so I can understand the rationale behind those who stick to the relationship they know. Especially if it's still a relatively happy place outside of giving the things a true relationship involves.

It's worth keeping in mind though, whilst the early excitement will always fade and the grass is never really greener elsewhere unless you come out of a bad relationship, the thought that you won't find someone as good for you isn't true. One day someone else will fill that gap in the relationship that's led to these feelings, possibly in a way where it has no end.

[Dogg Thang]

All in it wasn’t a bad breakup but having to stay in the house during lockdown wasn’t always easy. .

This part must have been really rough. While my issues long predate covid, I do feel like I came out of the pandemic a different person. I didn't notice it happening at the time but it has become more and more apparent this year. Being so close together in the house for so long with problems already there from the start just let things sit in a soup of discontent for almost two years. Part of me thinks that slowly turned a comfortable home into somewhere terribly uncomfortable over time and maybe I'd be in a slightly better place had that not happened. But another part of me thinks what was happening was that essentially I was grieving in advance for the marriage and, when I got to this year, I finally hit acceptance.

[Neon Ignition]

I suppose that comes with with the transition from being literally confined to your home, in that day to day situation, and then suddenly things open up again and your presented with all those other options for life that were literally cut off for the better part of two years. My Mum and Dad are in a steady 40+ year marriage with no troubles in terms of ending and she doesn't have a job as she does the child care for us so the transition for her was less than it would have been for most people but even now she is struggling to adapt to life post-lockdown. To go through that with all the other concerns and factors, it's bound to have had a major impact on your view of life and what you want from it.

[wakka]

Spot on Neon Ignition. I'm having trouble with a similar thing myself. It's like, OK, what now? They say the past is a foreign country and when I look back at 2019 it kind of feels that way. So I was nodding along when reading Dogg say that he came out of the pandemic a different person.

[Dogg Thang]

I suppose that comes with with the transition from being literally confined to your home, in that day to day situation, and then suddenly things open up again and your presented with all those other options for life that were literally cut off for the better part of two years.

Yep, that's it right there. And some of that has been a little tricky to untangle. For example, I went away on my first work trip earlier in the year and, in spite of not being a big fan of work trips generally, it was amazing. I connected with new people in a way I hadn't done in years and I had a fantastic time. My second work trip of the year was a bit of an emotional rollercoaster because I hit it off with a woman and we bonded so fast my emotions were all over the place. We put boundaries in place and that was that but one thing struck me about it - I have never had an affair but, when I was trying to fix my marriage years ago, I read a huge amount of books on marriage and relationships and I remember one saying that affairs are often not about the other person. They are about the person you become with them. It's like part of the excitement is who else you can be in that situation. And on both of these trips I felt like an entirely different person and then had to come home to what felt like a cage.

But of course those trips are moments in time. There is no reason to think that's what my life would be like outside of the home if I left it. So I wrestled with a lot of those "am I doing the grass is greener thing?" questions. But I always have to remind myself that these issues weren't caused by those trips. Or the pandemic. They go back many years. These things are just revealing more parts of the picture.

[Atticus]

Sorry to hear you're going through it [MENTION=3144]Dogg Thang[/MENTION]. Good on you for being honest with yourself and your wife with your feelings ... that takes guts ... I expect a lot of marriages exist with those feelings supressed and that's not good or fair on anyone. Whatever happens I hope it all turns out for you. You got plenty of support here.

[Neon Ignition]

That's it, I think a lot of focus goes on the early excitement when you meet someone new and obviously the breakdown of a relationship stands out to anyone who is or has gone through it but in between that lies the years where you're in a happy relationship and not even questioning it. That's the experience that everyone is really aiming for, to have that settled routine but without the feeling of looking for an exit. My Grandparents were married for over sixty years and the early excitement would have only been there in the first few months but they were fortunate enough that they never questioned staying together, they remained willingly tied till the end and that's really the goal.

Any break up will always be worse for that breach of trust an affair would bring so it kind of adds to the reasoning that feeling that connection or draw to another is an indicator of what you feel you really need, whilst calling it a day will never be easy it means a clean slate too for all parties which is likely exactly what sounds most appealing - a fresh slate in life

[Dogg Thang]

Any break up will always be worse for that breach of trust an affair would bring so it kind of adds to the reasoning that feeling that connection or draw to another is an indicator of what you feel you really need

Yep. I have to admit though, I totally understand why people have affairs and how easy that could happen. Up until recently, I didn't quite get it but I do now. The weird thing with me (maybe it isn't weird but it feels like it's probably weird) is that I haven't been really attracted to anyone across my entire marriage. I've met attractive people. But not in that way that you feel it. Until this year. And I think partly it's that I had mentally and emotionally already disconnected from my marriage so maybe I was ready for that, or open to it. We didn't cross any lines but, honestly, it wouldn't have taken the biggest push for me to do that. I would have regretted it and would have made everything way messier but I can really see how it happens and I can empathise with those who do cross those lines.

I think it's probably often a symptom of things not being right rather than the cause of that.

[Neon Ignition]

Workplaces will be hard for that too as it's a lot of time to spend with the people you work with and if you find yourself working with someone you really get along with it would definitely highlight if that element was now missing at home

[Dogg Thang]

Workplaces will be hard for that too as it's a lot of time to spend with the people you work with and if you find yourself working with someone you really get along with it would definitely highlight if that element was now missing at home

The perfect argument for working from home.

Or the opposite.

I'm undecided.

[Colin]

I'm sorry to read this DT. You've always came across as a very nice person so I feel for you here. I can't really give any great advice, until I met my wife I was horrendous when it came to relationships, but I feel because we met so late in life that we could see everything a bit more clearly having dealt with crappy relationships for decades. Although we met each other a little younger than you are now, I would however like to point out that just because you're in your forties, it doesn't mean that you can't find someone amazing. I did, and I'm glad it happened later in life. Even though your marriage may be ending, don't write off a decent future.

[gunrock]

No judgement of Dogg Thang and his relationship, because only he knows how he feels and what his relationship is or is not. The only thing I will say is this: the forties has been statistically proven as the hardest decade on happiness, with ageing parents, young/teen children and career and sometimes financial pressures. Things start to look up in your fifties, they say. In my case, it's hard to say, as I had kids a bit later and crazily relocated my family to a new country at 46!

One other thing; sex. If it is sex related, remember that even if you're the world's greatest lover and your sexual partner is everything you dreamed of and has the moves to back it up , there's still more hours left in the day when you aren't shagging. And it's those hours where you need more than just a great lover, you need a friend, a partner in crime, a ride or die. Someone who makes you laugh, gets your jokes, has the same dreams you have, who keeps you mentally stimulated and if they don't share your passions, they support them without judgement and are not grudgingly putting up with them. And in turn, you can do the same for them.

I'm not advocating a life without sex but it should be part of a relationship, not the whole focus. Because there are 24 hours in a day and even tantric old Sting still had 19 hours left over to play guitar.