The Relationship Thread II: Lost in that Last Goodbye

[sj33]

22 days until I'll be married unless something goes wrong and the ward office is too busy. Very strange feeling! It feels like everything in my life should change, but I suspect things will feel mostly the same except the ring on the finger.

[randombs]

Where will you guys live? Will you be doing live streaming for the wedding?

As for weddings, I've been wondering about lavish dos. Unless the couple are going to at least get that back in donations/gifts from the guests(not toasters), surely that money would be put to better use in securing the financial future of the actual marriage? Unless I'm missing something obvious.

Do people generally profit from their weddings?

We were talking about marriage and stuff yesterday at the restaurant. It was a pretty depressing talk in many ways but I managed to get everything out. It was soul baring but I just told her that I'm not even able to start saving money yet, although I'll be trying to as much as possible even though I already barely spend any money on myself as it is, most of it is on seeing her. At least I know how much money I spend each month so as long as whatever job I get pays more than I get now, I'll have more to put aside. Approaching the climax, things brightened up considerably. I'll be ramping up the job searching efforts this week.

We're planning on moving in together soon, once I know where I'll be working. That will save money because rent and utilities will be cheaper, plus no more 30-50 quid a week visiting Tokyo or whatever.

[sj33]

Most Japanese people do the 婚姻届 (konintodoke, registering your marriage) quite a while before the actual wedding ceremony itself. The wedding ceremony in Japan has no legal meaning in itself, just the 婚姻届 - which is essentially filling in forms at the ward office. It all sounds rather unromantic to be honest, I keep checking with her to see if I'm expected to do anything special! We're not even expected to wear formal dress. So actually becoming legally married is rather painless - I had to go to the British embassy (or in my case, the consulate in Osaka) to obtain a Certificate of No Impediment, as well as a copy of her 戸籍 (koseki, family register) and my birth certificate (as well as a translation, which you can do yourself). Very simple, really.

We're going to have a proper wedding ceremony at a later stage. Neither of us can really afford it in the moment, and she also wants to wait until her brother returns to Japan (he's doing volunteer work in Ghana, and will be there for another year and a half). Obviously the cost of the ceremony depends on what you go for, you can have very low key ones that are still quite elaborate but also quite cheap. If you don't have any religious commitments, then you have quite a lot of different types of ceremony to choose from, far more than in the UK actually. From what understand (talking to an American friend here who works as a marriage pastor), the wife's family usually pays for the half of the actual cost of the wedding. Guests are expected to give rather sizable financial donations that should more than cover the cost of the wedding, and then the wife's family takes half of that. So essentially, the guests pay for the wedding.

We'll also be doing some kind of wedding party in the UK for family and friends who cannot come to Japan. We both have family and friends who will not be able to do to the other country. To be honest, I'm quite thankful to be in a position where the ceremony will have to wait until her brother returns, as it's not something that we have to think about just yet.

Doing the 婚姻届 at the ward office is the *only* part that has any legal meaning. Both Japan and the UK recognise this as marriage, and anything else you do (ceremony etc.) is optional and has no legal meaning. Your partner will have to create a new 戸籍 for the both of you (which seemed like a big deal to me as she would have to leave her family's 戸籍, but seems to be totally a formality for Japanese people),and your partner has the option of changing her surname. I left that decision to her (didn't tell her my opinion - didn't want her decision to be shaped by my opinion), and she wants to take my name. She says it would be 寂しい if she didn't. Fair enough, although I worry about what this would mean for employment.

[randombs]

So it's like going to the registry office in the UK, then.

I guess once you get that you can sort out your spouse visa. Are you doing that at the same time? I've been reading about it.

[sj33]

Kind of. I think even going to a registry office is still rather formal, isn't it? Albeit more low key than a traditional wedding. The Konintodoke in Japan seems more like going to the ward office to pay a bill. You don't even have to arrange in advance.

We're going to be sorting out the spouse visa afterwards, one step at a time! I think the immigration office deal with that rather than the ward office. I may be wrong.

[fishbowlhead]

Best of luck shakey

[Darwock]

My ward office wedding was just waiting to get our number called, the guy didn't even say congratulations or anything at all. I had to ask my wife "is that it? Are we married then?".

The arrival of our daugher put paid to our wedding ceremony plans, the money that gets laid out on those is borderline criminal in Japan and as said above, the welfare of our family was of a more pressing nature than the need to splurge 3 million yen on a big party. I've been to a few, and I actually hate the pre-arranged fakeness of the Japanese "wedding palace" ceremonies. The last one didn't even match the couple, it was like they'd been cut and pasted into someone else's wedding.

By the way the expected 'gift' from wedding guests is 30,000 yen for single folks (I mean single attendees, they don't have to be single but you don't invite partners if they don't know the married couple) and 50,000 for couples. I dread getting invited to weddings because I can't afford to be a guest, let alone have a wedding myself (but from friends who have married I hear that the wedding does not in fact pay for itself, so you need a generous family basically). Also if you invite your foreign friends/family they are not going to know about the obligatory charges, and so you can't expect to get much money from the groom's side.

edit - spouse visa is indeed handled by the immigration office, and you will have to provide lots of evidence of your past relationship so start keeping a diary and photos.. it's a bit of a rigmarole.

[sj33]

Thank god for our collection of date stamped purikurai photos, eh?

What?

[nakamura]

Well we did some shopping and spent the whole time chatting. It was fun and we're supposed to go for coffee sometime.
Now I just have to not ruin it.

*Punches the air!

[teddymeow]

Well we did some shopping and spent the whole time chatting. It was fun and we're supposed to go for coffee sometime.
Now I just have to not ruin it.

Could it be...a Christmas miracle?!

I'm only joking. Go get 'em, Tiger!!

[nakamura]

Are you saying he needs a miracle to get laid?

[teddymeow]

Are you saying he needs a miracle to get laid?

Not at all. I've just started feeling nice and Christmassy.

[speedlolita]

Are you saying he needs a miracle to get laid?

Of course not.

"I'm G-Rank baby" is all it takes.

[DeathAdder]

A brief description of our first meeting and subsequent dating along with one photo of wifey with my parents was all I needed to show.

[randombs]

*fires up Photoshop*