Mate your posts are really hard to read. I know exactly how you are feeling. 8 years or so ago my relationship with my ex came to an unexpected end (literally 8 years this January). We had been together 10 years, were engaged and very happy, at least so i thought. Then one day she came home from work and said she wasn't happy and wanted to split up, like you i had major anxiety issues and i was generally a very miserable person to be around, hence she wanted out. It was an absolute hammer blow, i just did not see it coming. At the time i wasn't working, had very little money of my own i.e none, so i was well and truly left high and dry, whilst she was in a good job and earned really good money and was able to find another place. I on the other hand had to face the prospect of moving back to my parents, which at 30 years old was a dreadful prospect. We also had 2 cats, and probably the worst was the fact we had so split them up, i mean its not as sad as your situation because at least i had one of our beloved cats but it was still very traumatic.
At that time my life was effectively over and i came so, so close to topping myself because i had absolutely nothing to live for, at least i thought so at that point, no job, no money, no prospects. The only thing i had was my family, i nearly killed my dad over it as he was breaking seeing me in so much pain and there was nothing he could do about it. I think the hardest part was having to pack up our house and all the keepsakes i had collected over the years, stupid things like menu's from restaurants/hotels we visited in our first few years, old hotel receipts, really stupid stuff, but it was 10 years of memory's and it meant the world to me and it was just pure torture boxing it all up.
The first two months were pure agony, for days i just didnt get out of bed, but i managed to drag myself out and occupied my time with finding a job with the sole purpose of not having to move back to my parents, which i did do and i was able to get my own little flat, i only had to spend 2 weeks at my mum and dads in the end. And slowly over time, i got my life back together and things did get easier. I met a new girl in July the same year and we have been together now for 8 years and are happily married and i have never been happier. My point being whilst at the time it was the end of the world it was the catalyst for changing pretty much every aspect of my life. Since splitting from my ex i went on to achieve one of my dreams of going to university and getting a degree.
At the time it was the end of world but looking back it was the best thing that ever happened to me, obviously during that period of time i saw no end to my misery, it was indeed a grieving process of getting over everything i knew up to that point. I used to spend the first few weeks/months thinking she would eventually change her mind and want me back, especially if she saw i was becoming a better person but thank god she didnt, because there is no way i would be living the life i have now if she had.
Now im not saying your partner wont want you back, my point is dont push things, let things play out and see how they pan out, if your meant to get back together then it will happen but first you have to look after yourself, and i hate to say it but you have to be patient, whilst you may start to feel you have changed over the next few days/weeks your partner might not see it, trust me i know exactly how you feel but you have to make yourself happy first. I obviously dont know you personally or your situation but i would strongly recommend not sending her any kind of Valentines Day stuff, i know your thought process, its something you get used to doing but really mate resist the urge, its probably not appropriate. I understand buying the cat something, do so if it makes you happy but dont send your partner anything, you might not get the reaction your probably hoping for and you will feel like ****. Anyway sorry for the long post but i hope you can find some hope from my own personal experience. I feel so bad for you because i know what your going through but im living proof that life will get easier and in time you will be happy once again.
At that time my life was effectively over and i came so, so close to topping myself because i had absolutely nothing to live for, at least i thought so at that point, no job, no money, no prospects. The only thing i had was my family, i nearly killed my dad over it as he was breaking seeing me in so much pain and there was nothing he could do about it. I think the hardest part was having to pack up our house and all the keepsakes i had collected over the years, stupid things like menu's from restaurants/hotels we visited in our first few years, old hotel receipts, really stupid stuff, but it was 10 years of memory's and it meant the world to me and it was just pure torture boxing it all up.
The first two months were pure agony, for days i just didnt get out of bed, but i managed to drag myself out and occupied my time with finding a job with the sole purpose of not having to move back to my parents, which i did do and i was able to get my own little flat, i only had to spend 2 weeks at my mum and dads in the end. And slowly over time, i got my life back together and things did get easier. I met a new girl in July the same year and we have been together now for 8 years and are happily married and i have never been happier. My point being whilst at the time it was the end of the world it was the catalyst for changing pretty much every aspect of my life. Since splitting from my ex i went on to achieve one of my dreams of going to university and getting a degree.
At the time it was the end of world but looking back it was the best thing that ever happened to me, obviously during that period of time i saw no end to my misery, it was indeed a grieving process of getting over everything i knew up to that point. I used to spend the first few weeks/months thinking she would eventually change her mind and want me back, especially if she saw i was becoming a better person but thank god she didnt, because there is no way i would be living the life i have now if she had.
Now im not saying your partner wont want you back, my point is dont push things, let things play out and see how they pan out, if your meant to get back together then it will happen but first you have to look after yourself, and i hate to say it but you have to be patient, whilst you may start to feel you have changed over the next few days/weeks your partner might not see it, trust me i know exactly how you feel but you have to make yourself happy first. I obviously dont know you personally or your situation but i would strongly recommend not sending her any kind of Valentines Day stuff, i know your thought process, its something you get used to doing but really mate resist the urge, its probably not appropriate. I understand buying the cat something, do so if it makes you happy but dont send your partner anything, you might not get the reaction your probably hoping for and you will feel like ****. Anyway sorry for the long post but i hope you can find some hope from my own personal experience. I feel so bad for you because i know what your going through but im living proof that life will get easier and in time you will be happy once again.
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