The Relationship Thread II: Lost in that Last Goodbye

[Kit]

Wrote a **** ton down just now but it's too much of a downer.

In short though, getting laid isn't a problem, finding someone I genuinely like is. I'm 28 now, never had a proper girlfriend really as the girls I've gone for have always knocked me back - given all the **** that went on in my teens and twenties I was told the other day it's a surprise I'm still alive/made it to 28; is that even a complement? **** knows.

I just know at this point putting yourself out their each time and then getting rejected has worn on me. I think now if people had a thimble of my patience it would last them a lifetime.

I'm in pretty decent shape, going somewhere with my life, come through a lot that only now am I realising would have ruined lesser people, but I just can't find someone who'll be there for me - and I've never had that, like someone close. It's a serious burn that I think few can relate to.

[Lyris]

In short though, getting laid isn't a problem, finding someone I genuinely like is. I'm 28 now, never had a proper girlfriend really as the girls I've gone for have always knocked me back

Yup, all the same here with this. The women I've been into haven't been into me, and the ones that have been into me (yep, it's happened!) aren't really to my liking. Attraction's a two-way street. I guess, if I wanted to get into something purely for the hell of it, I could have done.

For me, it's kind of at the stage where I'd just accept anyone, a sort of "Okay, you'll do" thing. And the reason is simple: you just feel kinda powerless, like it's not your decision anyway. It doesn't feel like what I'm into matters. I'm sure that's not totally true, but it's how it feels at the moment.

Truth be told, I really don't have much of a sex drive anymore. Don't get me wrong here, I'm not some poor pathetic creature who thinks women exist on some higher plane to the rest of us (there's a great quote - "Remember, no matter how great you are, you still have an asshole!") - but I've had it drilled into me for so long that women are tired of getting hit on by men, and they're tired of us acting like sex pests around them.

This isn't out of some effort at being "nice" to them - it's just that if I feel I'm seen as a pest, it's kind of hard to get into the mood. I'm not going to keep poking away at someone in order to get them interested in me. So, I just don't bother, unless women show interest in me first - which they rarely do generally. So, nothing happens. I can't get into the idea of going through the motions with someone if I think I have to convince them into it, like some sort of sales pitch. I don't have low self esteem either, I just have absolutely no faith in the way the social norms are set up.

I was out with this really, really nice girl on Saturday after we'd had a great thing the week before. Honestly, I wasn't in the mood for anything, to the extent that I wondered what I was even doing there. My Facebook feed had been absolutely full of stories about that nutcase who went on a shooting spree in California, and it was full of women talking about how they were constantly being sexually harassed or ways in which they felt otherwise objectified, or whatever. Now I know I'm not a harasser or a misogynist, but honestly, the only message I ever seem to hear is "men, please leave us alone". I'm not claiming for a second that we're the main victims of a world where women feel unsafe, but I'm saying that all this has side effects, at least for me.

I know that this stuff isn't easy for anyone, though. Complaints about relationships or lack thereof are nothing new. I do get jealous when I hear people talk about their past relationships (plural) though; I'd just like being able to know that I could do one. For more than a few weeks.

I'm in pretty decent shape, going somewhere with my life, come through a lot that only now am I realising would have ruined lesser people, but I just can't find someone who'll be there for me - and I've never had that, like someone close. It's a serious burn that I think few can relate to.

Well, you're not alone. I'm in my late 20s and have never had a "serious relationship". I take some comfort in the fact that people are often shocked when they hear this, at least. I've been being told for the last 10 years "don't worry, someone will come along". I'm really not sure it's that simple!
You know what though, we're not defined by the people we're with. Career is more important to me at the moment... and at this rate it's likely to stay that way!

[QualityChimp]

Cheer up, you pair! You sound like Frank Drebin talking to Ed...



Lt. Frank Drebin: You know, sometimes I envy you and Edna. You have the same person every day for over 30 years. You wake up, eat with her, sleep with her. Make love to the same woman.
[Ed looks increasingly disgusted as Frank goes on]
Lt. Frank Drebin: You spend every possible waking moment together, while I'm out running around with a bunch of 20-year-olds who only want a good time and cheap sex sex sex. Girls who can't say no. Girls who can't get enough. "More, more, more. It's your turn now to wear the handcuffs... "
[Ed starts foaming at the mouth... literally]
Lt. Frank Drebin: I just want love, Ed.
Ed Hocken: I'm sure you'll... find love, Frank.

[kryss]

"I hear Edna's pregnant again"
"Yeah, and when I find the son of a bitch..."

So I contacted my ex about getting divorced properly, and that's going to go ahead soon. I've also been looking at sponsoring my gf to stay in Canada permanently, but we would have had to have lived together for a year first and it's only been five months at the time of writing. To get to a year she would need to have her visitor status extended a second time, which is very unlikely by all accounts.
On the plus side, if I sponsor her while she is in Japan it would take 4 months less to process the paperwork compared to her being in Canada. I just don't want her to go...

[Lyris]

^ That practice of divvying up people based on which country they happened to be born in is totally screwed up. Evil.

"To sponsor her you need to live together for a year!"
(You live together for a year): "You broke the law! How dare you! Who recommended you live together for a year?"

[shaffy_oppa]

Dating is a hard game

[kryss]

I got man hugs if you need them.

[Lebowski]

Dating is a hard game

What a wicked game to play as Chris Issac once said

[shaffy_oppa]

Online dating is an equally hard game...

Been chatting to someone for a couple days now, phone and msgs get along great but literally have zero in common but it's just nice to chat. I think meeting would be pointless lol.

[kryss]

Just as well, probably another guy/girl/whatever-you're-not-interested-in anyway...

[shaffy_oppa]

He lol and I think I am interested just wondering if we don't click :/

Spent some time skyping tonight and then a couple hours on the phone but it doesn't always work the same face to face.

[kryss]

A couple of hours on the phone and you don't think it'll work the same face to face? Well you won't know if you don't try.

[shaffy_oppa]

It's true but it just sucks when it doesn't.

[darkangel]

Ah online dating, take it from me. No matter how well you *think* you get along with someone over the phone, messaging, Skype, etc, things can 99.99% of the time be totally different when meeting them in person, and not always in a good way.

My advise is never to get too attached over the phone etc, because feelings can inadvertently develop and than the risk of getting hurt if it doesn't work out can be immense. Trust me, I have been there far too many times. Always try and meet a person as soon as possible to avoid those emotional pitfalls dude.

[dvdx2]

Ah online dating, take it from me. No matter how well you *think* you get along with someone over the phone, messaging, Skype, etc, things can 99.99% of the time be totally different when meeting them in person, and not always in a good way.

My advise is never to get too attached over the phone etc, because feelings can inadvertently develop and than the risk of getting hurt if it doesn't work out can be immense. Trust me, I have been there far too many times. Always try and meet a person as soon as possible to avoid those emotional pitfalls dude.

good advice here