The Relationship Thread-Good, Bad or Indifferent.

[Spooky]

Bugger... I fall into the quiet gentlemanly honest type...

Sorry to hear you are going through similar nonsense Lyris. I totally understand your feelings regarding undeserved affections, but if there really is too much to lose and she is that important to you, then it's up you to figure out if you can dig deep into your resolve and just rise above the negative feelings that come with that.

I myself am going through the personal hell of having to put my suspicions in some far off corner of my mind and it is frakking hard. We've drawn this line under yesterday's events, never to be spoken of again, but putting those suspicions away, to ignore what I believe to have happened, even though I've decided to trust in what she told me, is incredibly difficult and is going to take time to resolve within my mind. At moments its very easy, at others absolutely not. I can only hope I'm doing the right thing.

[NemesiS]

Is it always the patient, understanding guys that get screwed over?

In a nutshell and in my experience, that is almost spot on. I have mates that would shame prince charming who have been dumped because they are too nice (code for boring). Gentlemanly doesn't really cut in most cases with todays generation of streetwise women unfortunately.

Its not for nothing that a lot of people say there is a lot in the saying "treat em mean, keep em keen". That saying covers a lot of bases but doesn't mean you should be a tw*t. I interpret it as meaning, don't be a doormat and refuse to do anything you don't want to, and if that upsets them because they are not getting their own way, then tough.

[nakamura]

In a nutshell and in my experience, that is almost spot on. .

Another point to add. I was friends with the lovely girl about 9 years ago. I was just 20 and she was around late 20s, 29ish I think. She was lovely, really really stunning and kind hearted. I was your blond skinny geeky type, look a little bit like that coldplay dude apparently though I cant see it.
Anyway, we had a moment, a really strong embrace and nearly kissed. She told me that one day I will have women flocking because I am so nice.
That day never came.

In fact that day only comes when there are 3 kids and only sloppy bucket to park in. When the women are so desperate for a nice guy. This girl, she had a bf and he was an utter wan*er but she couldn't help but chase him.


Like I said in a post above, as soon as I was a little more demading, then I got attention. It really does work. Women like a challenge with their men, but also you don't have to be an arse to give it.
You do need to be a gentleman, but again it needs to be earned. When you go out, be nice. Open the door, take flowers etc. But when she texts you the next day. Reply a long time, several hours or more after. Stuff like that. Be a gent, just not at her beck and call.

[dazzling_bubble]

Another point to add. I was friends with the lovely girl about 9 years ago. I was just 20 and she was around late 20s, 29ish I think. She was lovely, really really stunning and kind hearted. I was your blond skinny geeky type, look a little bit like that coldplay dude apparently though I cant see it.
Anyway, we had a moment, a really strong embrace and nearly kissed. She told me that one day I will have women flocking because I am so nice.
That day never came.

In fact that day only comes when there are 3 kids and only sloppy bucket to park in. When the women are so desperate for a nice guy. This girl, she had a bf and he was an utter wan*er but she couldn't help but chase him.


Like I said in a post above, as soon as I was a little more demading, then I got attention. It really does work. Women like a challenge with their men, but also you don't have to be an arse to give it.
You do need to be a gentleman, but again it needs to be earned. When you go out, be nice. Open the door, take flowers etc. But when she texts you the next day. Reply a long time, several hours or more after. Stuff like that. Be a gent, just not at her beck and call.

Can I interrupt and say that isn't this the exact same thing you could say to a woman?

Don't be at his door telling him 'hes the one' after the first date but also don't flirt with all his mates?

[mr_fantazmo]

I keep stumbling across this thread and keep meaning to comment because there are so many familiar stories and i can totally relate to what you're all going through.

I split with my ex wife about 3 years ago. We were married for 3 years and together for a total of 7.

She was always a little bit up and down mood wise but i put up with it because to be honest, i didn't know any better. Things got worse when her mum suddenly died and I was there to pick up the pieces emotionally and financially when she couldn't hold down a job due to these emotional issues.

Things seemed to get better when she got a new job that she liked and although the wage wasn't great, it helped to pay towards the huge loans and credit card bills from when my sole wage wasn't enough to support us.

She even started going out with her mates which was great for me because it meant she wasn't relying on me as much and i could start hanging out with my friends who i lost touch with when we got married.

Life was getting better right? WRONG! Some guy sent me a message via Facebook informing me that they had been seeing each other for the past 3 months.

She tried to deny it but the look on face said it all when i confronted her, we did try again but it was no use, she ended up leaving to live with this guy and basically ransacked the house taking all the valuable stuff leaving me with absolutely **** all apart from a high mortgage, unpaid bills, loans, credit cards which unfortunately were all in my name.

The house got repossesed and i had to do the most shameful and embarrasing thing i've ever had to do and declare myself bankrupt.

It was the worst period of my life but i got through it. .

Despite all of that **** and the feeling of being worthless, stupid, unloved, taken advantage of and embarrased i am 100% better off than when i was with her, i'm a much better and stronger person than i used to be and i bet when if you come back to this thread in 12 - 18 months time you'll all feel the same.

Keep your chins up lads, the future is bright!

P.s - Sorry for the extremely long post!

[davesol]

I love her more than anything. I always belived she was the one, the one I would marry and have children with. But the fear of being alone again and at 38, (I know it's not old, but it's my fear), maybe never finding someone to have kids with is scary as f**k.

Mate, I?m 40 and just split up after 8 years and couldn't give a stuff about being back single again. Why are you worrying about being alone. I'd much rather be happy and alone than with someone who doesn't love me just for the sake of it.

Got to agree with nemesiS on this one. i split up with my gf a few months ago (apologies for not posting about it here ). we were together 8 years but tbh should have broken up a couple of years ago. deep down i knew it wasn't working out but i convinced myself that maybe it would because ultimately i was petrified of being single again after such a long period of time - i guess i liked the comfort that comes with being in a long-term relationship. Anyway, as I said, we eventually did break up and you know what - I'm actually really enjoying being single again, all the stress of the relationship that i knew deep down wasn't going to work has gone; if one of my mates asks if i want to go out for a pint i can just say "yes" without having to check to see if we are doing anything; I can watch what i want on the tv whenever i want to... it's small things but i feel so much better now that the relationship is over and i can just live my life for myself for a while.

I'm not telling you to break up, but if deep down you know it isn't going to work for whatever reason then in my experience being single is not nearly as scary as you think it is going to be when you are in a long-term relationship. don't let it hold you back from doing what you know is the right thing for yourself.

['Press Start']

How do you screen out the users? Any technique or just good luck?

I think if you are honest with yourself, I mean truly honest, then that is the greatest screening test of all. The happiest people in relationships or single are truly honest with themselves.

You can be the nicest guy in the world with the most patience but if you are good at lying to yourself then it can only unhappy situations in the end.

Are you honest with yourself? the ego can be our worst enemy.

[Lyris]

I think I am. I pride myself on being rational. I don't need crap and I'm totally fine being single (before this, I've been that way for 6+ years, partly through choice!)

I guess it works differently for everyone - if you tend to be the shy, reserved type of guy then chances are you'll probably end up with a scheming shrew and won't know it until she's bled you dry and moved on to the next poor fool.

Fortunately I'm not shy or reserved any more. Not hugely, anyway.

Sorry to hear you are going through similar nonsense Lyris. I totally understand your feelings regarding undeserved affections, but if there really is too much to lose and she is that important to you, then it's up you to figure out if you can dig deep into your resolve and just rise above the negative feelings that come with that.

Actually, the more I think about it and the more I read this thread, I think I just have to be tough.

Here's a rundown of the situation with the boring bits cut out. Throughout the short relationship, her jealous flatmate (who she has a past with - a quick fling but nothing more - recipe for drama!) became very unhappy at us being together, and did all sorts of man-childish things to make her feel bad about it: locking himself in his room and crying, getting drunk in his room, that sort of nonsense. Every time she'd come back to her flat from seeing me, things would kick off. She decided she couldn't deal with that crap anymore (she's busy) and actually feels sorry for the miserable bastard, and asked if we could just be friends, which was ESPECIALLY hard to take. Why should I get the shaft because some loser is throwing his toys out the pram? If it was "We're not right for each other, let's quit it", then I'd be upset but move on. But binning a perfectly good relationship because of some creepy outside loser influence? No, not acceptable.

I did NOT enter into a relationship to be "just friends", that's not what I want. So why should she get most of the benefits without any of the committment? I think I need to put this to her, perhaps not in as harsh words, but basically to say "get yourself together". At the same time, she is going through a lot, so I acknowledge her need for space and "taking things slowly".

This is good. Stage 2: anger.

[Phantasmical]

^Fight to get her back, dont take that bull**** for one minute. Just see her outside of her place as "friends" and keep sleeping with her until it works itself out

[Lyris]

Oh trust me, I have been. Anyone can see the stupidity of the situation. At first I thought that it was too far fetched, and that there must be something that I'd done wrong, but I'm completely confident that's not the case. I was given the shaft so that the problem of the lecherous flatmate could be swept under the carpet.

I jokingly said, "Maybe I should also lock myself in my room and get drunk and cry, if that's the way guys get what they want from you?"

[Phantasmical]

Just keep playing it cool, as long as you both know under the surface its more than just friends then it will all iron out and she wont go off with someone else in the mean time

As for the flatmate, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hrJesQbSWQM

[EDDIE M0NS00N]

Gentlemanly doesn't really cut in most cases with todays generation of streetwise women unfortunately.

BANG ON there mate. I have to keep reminding guys that I work with that have been married 30 odd yrs that women have changed a lot in the last 10-15 yrs.
Unfortunatley they seem to want a guy who is somewhere in the middle. A bastard 1 minute, & gentleman the next.



...so when you think about it, we cant win

[Lyris]

That is the paradox of being "a man", and it's why I opted out of that label. It's impossible to keep anyone happy and seems to be a way for women to unfairly get things their way. What are you supposed to be again? A magical blend of sensitive - but not too sensitive, or you might appear gay (oh teh noes!) - and whatever the opposite of sensitive is. I can't be bothered with those games.

Am I male? Yes, I have male 'parts'. Am I an adult? Yes. Am I "a man"? No, I value my sanity too much.

[DeathAdder]

In a nutshell and in my experience, that is almost spot on. I have mates that would shame prince charming who have been dumped because they are too nice (code for boring). Gentlemanly doesn't really cut in most cases with todays generation of streetwise women unfortunately.

Its not for nothing that a lot of people say there is a lot in the saying "treat em mean, keep em keen". That saying covers a lot of bases but doesn't mean you should be a tw*t. I interpret it as meaning, don't be a doormat and refuse to do anything you don't want to, and if that upsets them because they are not getting their own way, then tough.

To expand on this, you can still be just as nice as Prince Charming, but less boring. The sort of guy who gets dumped for being too nice is the kind of sap who pretends to like things his girl likes, even though he can't stand them, to make her happy, and never disagrees about anything or banters with her or takes the piss out of her.

Women don't actually want men who treat them mean - they want men who are nice and fun to be with at the same time. That is my experience, at least - I have rarely dated anyone as mental as some of the women described in here. Throwing a strop because a CD was played in random order, ffs. Talk about a bullet dodged.

I suppose nice guys are perhaps more upset when their relationship ends. The don't-give-a-**** bastards are more likely to have ended it on their terms, or been the cause of the break-up, or already have started seeing someone else. Sure, that's a ridiculous generalisation, but it maybe explains when nice guys seeming always finish last.

[JazzFunk]

I'm another one on the 'just split up' bandwagon, been with her nearly five years, we've split up several times but have always got back together, this time feels like a natural end, had one massive barney last Tuesday night, gf went nuts off the wine and went into Assault Suits Valken mode, ripping me to pieces, told me what I was etc., a pretty disturbing if not entirely unjustified display, freakishly horrible. Went totally the other way the next day, she profusely apologised, felt incredible guilt, I felt really sad because I love her to bits and knew she felt so awful and I didn't want her to feel that awful BUT I also wanted her to feel awful because she HAD been awful but I also didn't want her to feel THAT awful, if ya get me? (these things are mad!!!)

Basically, rather than play the pouting victim (which I'm ashamed to say I've done occasionally) we had a long conversation about stuff, how despite how much we love each other, the whole five-year enterprise simply had not worked the way it first felt like it might, back when we were all starry eyed and head over heels. We both have different interests, different beliefs, different friends, different lifestyles. This was neatly ended by both of us being in floods of tears.

Despite us having a very strong connection at the core, our differences and motivations ultimately ended up separating us, we've both tried to overcome these differences over the past few years but they are too divisive and have led to constant arguing, plus the sex life has died as a result (we used to shag all the time but constant arguing seems to hit the libido quite badly).

In the end, one has to truly acknowledge one's own flaws and take responsibility for their part in whatever went wrong, come to terms that you might be very good in certain ways but also very **** in others. You can take some steps to alter certain facets of the way you operate, but you'll still have a core that is You, a core that won't really change that much, and they are exactly the same.

Ultimately, we've agreed to be 'friends' (we were best friends to start with, anyway, how we got together), an ideal that has never worked out before (basically we end up going for a meal after not seeing each other for a bit, get pissed and are all over each other like mad) but this time we've talked things out properly and both know that getting back again would be unwise and we love each other enough to let the other go, that we had pretty much mainly been in a mutually destructive relationship, bar the plethora of good bits that kind of held the whole rickety thing together. It seems we both finally acknowledge that "It" is kinda dead, it's like putting your favourite dog down when it's terminally ill and HAS to die, in the kindest way.

I'm gonna heartily agree with NemesiS and davesol's take on the 'lonely' thing, it really is kind of refreshing not to be in a relationship with someone you deeply love (and they you) that has clearly gone irreparably wrong, the stress and pain of that just kills you inside living day by day with it. People see not having a girlfriend as a sign of their failure in life, truth be told it takes lot of strength to be someone's partner and you can often endure quite painful periods of darkness, things you won't really encounter when you're alone. Value your freedom, it's not as bad as it seems.

I'm gonna live like a gaming monk for a bit, lay off the women I think, sort me out a bit, next time go for someone more geeky rather than someone foxy but f*cked up, someone who ISN'T MASSIVELY INTO CHRIST AND HAS NIGH-ON SPENT THE ENTIRETY OF THE RELATIONSHIP TRYING TO CONVERT ME TO THE WAYS OF JESUS, SON OF THE GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!