The Banter Thread / Banter Topic / Sean Bean

[jimmbob]

I do that all the time. I write loads of stuff, then I just think bugger it, and delete the lot, never to be posted. I do that quite often.

[Big Seany]

I do that all the time. I write loads of stuff, then I just think bugger it, and delete the lot, never to be posted. I do that quite often.

I have never deleted anything, to be fair. But sometimes I wonder what people must think of me, you know? I do post some stupid things sometimes though innit?

[jimmbob]

No one likes a winner Seany, let them judge! Water off a ducks back and all that.
As for the deleting thing, I've never been drunk enough to post my pissed up-3 in the morning-rambles. That's when my personal moderation kicks in. However I think a great idea would be to start a drunk thread. Just so all the pissheads could have a good old winge when they got home without having to derail other threads.

[SuperDanX]

Thats a good idea! 'The drunken banter topic'

[Kieran76]

I have just had a haircut for the first time in just over 12 months. My last one was so traumatic I didn't dare go back. Needless to say I look ****in' ace. A cross between Tom Cruise and Dave Grohl. I have also been drinking, on my own while making kebas. Can anyone top that for an afternoon.

[Big Seany]

I am off now, stopping in tonight but out at a BBQ tomorrow round my mate Lenny's place. Can't wait.

[Spatial]

For the first time in about 10 years I've accidentally super glued two of my fingers together.

There's nothing quite like that odd rough feeling to your fingertips once you've managed to separate them and the residue has dried - I learnt the hard way a long time ago to never try and wipe it off, especially with kitchen roll >_<

[Extra Terrestrial]

I was going to see Sunshine at the cinema tonight and perhaps go for a drink or two afterwards but all three of those who were intending to go have other plans.

*phones buzzs*

"Sorry mate, I'm going out somewhere else now." X 3

Thanks(!) Now I have a whole weekend of work to look forward to.

[ItsThere]

For the first time in about 10 years I've accidentally super glued two of my fingers together.

There's nothing quite like that odd rough feeling to your fingertips once you've managed to separate them and the residue has dried - I learnt the hard way a long time ago to never try and wipe it off, especially with kitchen roll >_<

It helps with the 'claw' on GH though!

[jimmbob]

I'm writing a best man speech at the moment! If anyone has any tips/links would they kindly PM or email me with words of wisdom.

Thank you guys.

[Paulos G]

For the first time in about 10 years I've accidentally super glued two of my fingers together.

There's nothing quite like that odd rough feeling to your fingertips once you've managed to separate them and the residue has dried - I learnt the hard way a long time ago to never try and wipe it off, especially with kitchen roll >_<

I like the way you put "For the first time in about ten years" as though you used to do it regularly but have been abstaining! And you admit to this openly? I suppose I shouldn't be surprised at your lack of shame *cough* TMNT *cough*.

[Spatial]

Shamelessly nicked from Bender from RLLMUK / Edge - a modern classic.

Long, but funny and if you avoid this sort of thing you should be fine

Last August one of my mates got married and he chose me to be the best
man. I didn't mind and thought it would be a bit of a laugh. I actually
had known the bride for a lot longer as she used to go out without one of
my mates from school.

Anyway - I wasn't worried about the speech, I'm a funny guy, I wrongly
thought to myself, I'll think of something.

With about two weeks to go to the big day I started to think of what to
write. I'd only known the groom for a couple of years, we had met in
France when we were both racing there.

I tried to think of something amusing that had happened that I could use
as the main points of my speech. I struggled a bit, the groom didn't do
too many crazy things.

Two things stuck in my mind. One day the groom had said to me, out of the
blue, I'd like to see a blonde girl shagged my a horse. The other thing he
said was that he first got an erection while climbing a gym rope at
school.

A blonde shagged by a horse. That's very specific, I thought. It'll be
hilarious to retell that tale.

By the time the wedding neared the story about how he'd like to see a
blonde girl shagged by a horse had become embelished to involve an
elaborate harness that gets strapped under a horse and that a lady gets
into.

Funny eh?

So I wrote out this speech and felt it was lacking something. It needed a
tape recording of the groom and some girl playing around with a horse that
was supposed to have been recorded the night before the wedding. I got my
best mate around the week before and we made a recording on this here
computer.

I few things about the groom. He snored really strangely, like he was
being strangled. He was from Bristol so he talked like a bumpkin and he
worked in a car park.

So this recording we made started of with the sound of him snoring and
saying things in his sleep, things related to horses and parking tickets.
Then you hear a door open and a girls voice asking the groom if she can
get into bed with him. Then you hear them starting to get it on even
though the groom is protesting. You then hear the groom talking about this
harness he had invented and asking the girl if she would like to try it
out. The girl protests but then agrees. You hear a clearly distressed
horse and the girl shout 'Ahhhh, my poor fanny.'

We made it was proper sound effects from the internet. I still have it on
my computer.

So this recording was put onto a CD and it was to be the finale of my
magnificent speech. All week proir to the wedding my girlfriend was saying
'You can't play that.'
The guy who had helped me write it was to be head usher and he reassured
me. 'Of course you can, I'll laugh anyway'

I was thinking to myself 'How bad could it be?' you know, when you worry
about something it's never as bad as you fear.

The day of the wedding came and we started drinking early in the morning.
The wedding happened and we went to the hotel for the reception. I still
wasn't really nervous.

Going into the meal everybody that was invloved in the wedding had to do a
line up and talk to all the guests as the entered the dining room. It was
here I started to get worried. I didn't know anybody, nor did the groom.
It was mainly the brides old relatives from Scotland.

I'd sort of thought that all the guests would be young and friendly.

So we sat down for the meal. I was warned by the brides mum not to say
anything bad. She meant anything bad about the bride and her previous
boyfriend, my other mate. I had nothing written about that so I felt okay.

I was asked by the Maid of Honour to introduce her after my speech as she
would like to say something. 'No problem' I said.

The speech was to take place after the meal but my appetite had vanished
and instead I just drank and became more nervous and drunk. By the time
the meal finished I was very drunk indeed.

All of a sudden I'm being introduced. I got to my feet and I'd forgotten
everything I was going to say. I had to search for the speech in my suit
jacket.

I knew how I wanted the speech to go. I was going to allude to the bit
about the horse but not say it outright. I didn't want to offend anybody.

I was too drunk though.

I think the first thing I said was 'Sam said to me he'd like to see a gilr
shagged my a horse.'

*silence*

'It's not supposed to be like this', I was thinking.

'Shut up and sit down.' said the brides mother.

I was backed into a corner and I was getting angry for some reason.

I turned to the groom. 'You ****ing did.' I told him.

I then turned to the audience 'He ****ing did.' I slurred.

A few more people were telling me to sit down.

'**** off' was the only reply I could think of.

I saw my girlfriend stand up and walk out. I slurred some other stuff, god
knows what and eventually played the CD we had made.

There may have been a snigger at the 'Ahh my poor fanny bit'

I was annoyed. I turned to the Maid of honour and said 'Top that if you
can' and collapsed onto my chair.

The usher who had promised to laugh hadn't.

My girlfriend had walked out of the speech because she was too embarrassed
for me. The photographer, not knowing who she was had said.' I've been
doing weddings for 20 years and that was the worst speech I have ever
heard.

Later the brides mother had come up to my girlfriend and said 'I'm going
to find out where you are getting amrried and ruin it.'

I soldiered on through the rest of the day, everybody there did their best
not to make eye contact wih me, but it still haunts me.


The brides scottish grandad took me aside in the evening. I thought he was
going to kill me. 'I really enjoyed your speech' the deaf old goat said.
So, this was a year ago. I haven't spoke to the bride since although me
and the groom are friends again.


The usher, who is my best mate, is getting married in October and asked me
to be the best Man. You should see how nervous his girlfriend is and her
dad has gone on record saying he will kill me if I pull any stunts.

[Extra Terrestrial]

Fantastic story!

[Mercian]

Brilliant. That really cheered me up!

[jimmbob]

Yep hilarious. Now where do I insert the horse shagging into my speech?!
Still need ideas people. Do's and Don'ts, I don't wanna get up there and become all "Rain Man" on their asses!