The Banter Thread / Banter Topic / Sean Bean

[Spatial]

Two biscuits walking down the road, one named Fred the other called John.

John turns to Fred and says:

"So where are you living these days Fred?"

and Fred turns around and says

"I'm not telling you, you'll nick my washing!"

[QualityChimp]

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.


So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'


So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'


So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"


You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

Black beauty, now there's a dark horse


So I went into this video shop, and the man asked if I'd like to rent Batman Forever - I said 'No...just until tomorrow"


This man pushed me into a bag of peanuts, so I told the police - they asked me if I was assaulted - I said 'No - dry roasted


I went to the butchers the other day and the butcher said 'I bet you ?5 you can't guess the weight of that meat on the top shelf'. ' I'm not gambing!' I said, 'The steaks are too high


I threw some snow at my girlfriend. She didn't catch my drift

I was taking the motorway out of London. A policeman pulled me over and said: 'Put it back'


I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two schoolbags - he's bisatchel!!!!


A man came up to me and cut the bottom of my trouser leg off and send it to the library. So that was a turn-up for the books.


You know how most barbers' chairs go up and down? Well this one went from side to side. The barber turned to me and said: 'Mr. Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.'


I've got a sponge door....don't knock it.


I've got an auntie, Auntie Aircraft Gun. That woman don't half give me a load of flak.


So I took my dog for a walk and it was really angry - well it would be it's a cross breed


I tell you what is close to my heart at the moment. My left lung.


So I said to my Mum 'I'm going to the funfair' - she said 'Oooooh will you go on the Ghostrain?' - I said 'No, I'll walk'


I had a cat called Minton who swallowed a shuttlecock. I said 'Bad Minton!'


I saw a bargain the other day, a TV set for ?1. Only problem was the volume control which was stuck on full.
Come on, how can you turn that down?


I used to go shoplifting on the shoulders of a load of vampires. Then I got caught and charged with burglary on three counts.


So I went to Buckingham Palace to cut Prince William's hair. I said to the policeman, 'Can you let me in to the car park, I'm here to cut Prince William's hair?' The policeman said 'Have you got a permit?' - I said, 'No, just a bit off the back'.


I was driving down the motorway and someone rang me up on my mobile to say that I'd been promoted to a director. I was in such a shock that I skidded to the left. Later, they rang back and said that I was now the managing director, so I veered the car to the right. Finally, they rang up and said that I was the chairman, and I drove right into the hard shoulder. Yes, I'd careered off the road.

Source: Tim Vine

[112]

erm try like this:
This mango's in a bar and etc............

It works better when you say it.

Thats terrible......... its so bad its awfully funny..........

112

[QualityChimp]

[charlesr]

I love Tim Vine. Relentless.

"So I went down to the docks and a one legged mariner ask me if I needed help. I said, no, I'm looking for a wholesaler" etc.

Oh and my fave:

I saw a girl struggling to swim. I threw her some binoculers. She needed supervision.

[VR46]

112 is right, those jokes are so bad they're funny.

Wouldn't it be great if all newspaper front pages were like this

http://store.theonion.com/product/holy-****-man-walks-on-****ing-moon-1969,158/

[charlesr]

I tried a touch screen phone last night. Someone asked me to take some photos. I think it was an HTC. The shutter button was on the screen. Rubbish. I can only imagine dialling is equally as painful. technophobia wins that round.

How is it that I can embrace media streaming devices and other cool gadgets, but smartphones all seem like dumbphones to me.

[Adam Stone]

I'm feeling strangely tired today, just cannot seem to wake up!

*widens eyes a little to see if that helps*

Probably didn't help we had some bugger ringing our doorbell at 3am this morning. Grrr

[Adam Stone]

*shudder*

Have never liked him... He seems to think he's much funnier then he actually is!

This dude on the other hand...

Clicky! aha! So true...

[charlesr]

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/8375326.stm

Poor chap. He must have been so happy when they figured it out.

[Adam Stone]

I got a job working at Lionhead! (Quality Assessor working on Fable III)

I am currently the world's happiest man! *giggles all excitably* Yippee!!

[Dogg Thang]

Well done! Fable 3, eh, you lucky git. With your drawing skills, you'll be in the art department in no time.

[Adam Stone]

Thank you man, I'm hoping to work up... But desperately wanted to be a tester before anything else (i like to get my hands around all those little details).

They appeared to be impressed with my artwork (even said I should have applied for an art post!), so I hope that will be a possibility in the future. But right now, i consider to have finally grasped my childhood, dream job. Absolutely over the moon

[Dirty Sanchez]

Thank you man, I'm hoping to work up... But desperately wanted to be a tester before anything else (i like to get my hands around all those little details).

They appeared to be impressed with my artwork (even said I should have applied for an art post!), so I hope that will be a possibility in the future. But right now, i consider to have finally grasped my childhood, dream job. Absolutely over the moon

Sweet. Well done.

I'm sure you're aware already but be very very careful what and where you post stuff about inside information - don't want to lose that job quicker than you got it

[Adam Stone]

Ha! Indeed dude, all i'm allowed to say is that i'm going to be working on Fable 3 (that's already been revealed so no harm there...) and, well, that's it! :-)