The Relationship Thread II: Ding Dong - The Bells Are Gonna Chime

[charlesr]

What they said. Plus when I got divorced I found someone (on match.com) who I'm way happier with than I ever was before (even though I thought I was happy). So there is hope if it ever comes to an end.

[Dogg Thang]

No judgement of Dogg Thang and his relationship, because only he knows how he feels and what his relationship is or is not. The only thing I will say is this: the forties has been statistically proven as the hardest decade on happiness, with ageing parents, young/teen children and career and sometimes financial pressures.

Yep. And this is another thing I have wrestled with. I just got my first tattoo and it's a doozy. Is this all part of some mid-life crisis? And maybe to some extent part of it is, in all honesty. But again, I have to go back to the history and I think, if it is mid-life crisis related, it's more that this place in my life and my need to feel alive has just pushed this to a tipping point. More than being the sole cause and it would pass, if you know what I mean.

Your point about sex is also relevant because when things hit a sort of breaking point for me more than three years ago and I decided to fix it, I thought I might find that spark and that connection in sex. And man did my sex life get better. Lots of it and lots of different types. And it was great. And yet it was like drinking a really tasty decaf coffee. Everything seemed good but there was just something missing.

But then I do wonder if I'd find that missing something with anyone else.

[Neon Ignition]

It will sound like I'm championing calling it a day but for me it's that continuing the relationship is such a present thought and consideration is the real red flag. It means that no matter how you dissect the relationship or try to frame potential issues it's undeniable that one exists which when coupled with the very long period of time you've been feeling this way about it seems to establish that something is wrong at a fundamental level.

In a proper relationship with someone new you would undoubtedly find that thing that is missing. There would be no guarantee that in time something might go wrong with that relationship but I guess it's just a case of taking that that is the risk with any and all relationships. All you can do is decide on how your feeling now and I suppose more specifically have the conversation with your wife. If there's still something broken that would have any chance of being fixed that won't happen without that conversation to lay your cards out and any wrangling over what to do might be putting yourself through the wringer needlessly depending on where her head is at with it too

[Dogg Thang]

All you can do is decide on how your feeling now and I suppose more specifically have the conversation with your wife.

I've told her you're sure the marriage is over.

Really though, we're talking and we're doing counselling too. My wife has been far too good about it all (as usual). It's making her really sad and she doesn't always keep it together but I'd almost prefer if she got angry about it. It would be easier to process, I think. But we're having very open conversations about it and the one thing that is clear is that, if this really is it (which I think it is), we'll be able to work through it together to do what's best for the kids and ourselves.

[Neon Ignition]

That's all you could possibly hope for in the situation, sounds like you've got a good handle of the situation especially in regards for the kids. It's always sad when a relationship comes to its end but it's a shame how often it is that people let the breakup erode their ability to still communicate and treat each other decently as opposed to reflecting that there were happy times and kids as a result of that. It's rough times but I don't doubt you'll be on your way to happier times ahead.

[Cassius_Smoke]

I don't have any great advice to add here. When I was young I went through a lot of short term relationships because I decided that if the relationship felt like hard work it probably wasn't right. Now that's not really an option for a long marriage, you can't just walk away from years like you can from a few months, but i'll maintain that if it feels like hard work, then its maybe not right anymore.

I guess there are a few options.

You could see a councilor together and try and work things through.
You could have a break and move out but stay married and see if things work themselves out with space and time. Although I've seen this approach end very badly so it not my personal choice.
You could live with each other but separately.
Or you both call it a day

I assume you have had many talks with your wife, how does she feel about things?

[Dogg Thang]

I assume you have had many talks with your wife, how does she feel about things?

Sad mostly. She was in denial about for quite some time and, even though we talked about it, would then carry on as if everything was fine. But she eventually accepted where we were and that then allowed us to talk a lot more openly. But I do think she is being far too controlled about it all, which is probably a defense mechanism. For example, I did tell her that I came close to cheating on her that one time and she just said something along the lines of "but you handled it" and asked nothing more about it whereas, had it been me, I'd have had a LOT of follow-up questions. I don't think she wants to know.

She feels a real sense of powerlessness, given that I'm the one driving this right now. Which I know would be very hard.

[fishbowlhead]

I would also say be careful what you wish for as well unless your moving out soon. She could just decide one day “f him” and start bringing fellas home.

[charlesr]

If you couldn't see her ever again, how would you feel?

[Dogg Thang]

If you couldn't see her ever again, how would you feel?

Well in reality she can't be untangled from my kids so this is a very unlikely scenario. It's hard to separate that package. Whatever happens from here, I think we'll always be a part of each other's lives in some way.

[Dogg Thang]

A little Sunday morning update. I have now pushed this past the point of no return and we’re working out a separation. I had been away for a few weeks in Mexico and it was admittedly a total escape from all real life, so not reflective of what is to come, but I did come back less afraid about my future. That fear of being alone, or dating in my 40s, was a big factor in everything but I came back feeling like it’s okay to be alone - I can do that. Or I can date and I’ll do just fine. Somehow I seem more attractive now to people than I did the first time around. So those aren’t motivating factors but they are fears I can remove from the equation.

That only left one huge fear - how this will affect my kids. And I still have that but I feel we can work through that as a team and make this as easy as possible for them. It will never be easy, of course. But I feel like they’ll be okay in the end.

So here we go.

[wakka]

Good luck Dogg!

[charlesr]

Kids will be fine as long as you don't bad mouth each other to the kids if things go south. They assume you are both gods so will get very confused if you tell them otherwise.

[Dogg Thang]

Kids will be fine as long as you don't bad mouth each other to the kids if things go south. They assume you are both gods so will get very confused if you tell them otherwise.

They are teenagers. We have long stopped being gods to them and are more endless sources of embarrassment.

[fishbowlhead]

Oh well you’ve done it now not turning back, see where it leads you.