Originally posted by Dogg Thang
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The mind is still very much how it always was, I have just found since turning 40 that my body has slowly been giving up. Now I’m a dad, that is probably exacerbating matters! Face it, I’ll be 60 when she reaches 16, and that’s a bit scary heh. Cross that bridge when I reach it. At least I don’t look my age... yet!
Originally posted by Super Grover View PostYou become more cynical and grouchy, and find the most inconsequential things makes you irritable.Lie with passion and be forever damned...
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Getting old ain't that bad. Like everything, it has its ups and it has its downs. I don't have the energy I had in my twenties, sure, and twenty five years of smoking and drinking and drugging has taken a physical toll, and society seems headed in a direction at odds with my principles, and I'm at that point in life now where family and acquaintances are suffering and dying from old age and sickness but, nonetheless, mentally and emotionally and spiritually I still feel better than ever. For the first time I feel at ease and peaceful. I used to get bored so very easily, always wanted something: be it a drug or a girl or a change of scenery, a thrill of some kind, anything to fill the void. Don't feel like that anymore. Feel content and able to find delight in everyday existence.
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I think a big part of it for me is what was missed. Like, if you think of life as a game, I moved on to the next level even though I had spotted some really cool places in that last level but forgot to go there but the game has auto saved and I can’t go back. And I did that again and again. And the reason is actually because I was kind of content each time - I moved on for what were probably good reasons. But I know I missed a lot of the game.
Thinking of it another way, think of young life like a smoker. When we’re young, we can have a lot of fun but also do ourselves harm and there’s drama and heartache and a lot of hard stuff. Now imagine a parent sits their kid down and makes them smoke 40 packets of cigarettes as that lesson thing that we’ve heard of. They have smoked all those cigarettes and they’re done now. Some people live young life like that. So when they settle down, they’ve got that rubbish out of their system. I did not smoke that 40 packets of cigarettes. I realise many others didn’t too but I have always had a yearning for that - even for the hard stuff, even for the drama for some weird and probably self-destructive reason.
And this isn’t a new feeling - it’s not just a mid-life crisis because it’s a recurring theme in my life. Just where it lands now definitely probably counts as one.
In all honesty, even after more than a decade of marriage after a long relationship and two kids later, I still haven’t conquered my fear of commitment. Isn’t that nuts? I couldn’t count the amount of times over those years that I’ve thought about just leaving. Not because anything is bad - really, I’m very fortunate and should be thankful. But because there is still a weird part of me that feels like life is like a Fighting Fantasy book and I want to go back and try a different path, no matter what horrors that leads to. In fact, maybe the more horrors the better. And that might be because I feel I’d now be better able to deal with the hard things of years gone by. I was rubbish at being a teenager. Rubbish at being in my 20s but I probably could have figured out being a teenager by that point. Rubbish at being in my 30s but I might have a good go at my 20s at this point. Come back in ten years and I’ll tell you how I figured out how to live in my 40s.
I can’t go back and I think that’s probably the core issue and it is an unsolvable one. There is nothing that can be done now without totally breaking my life and the life of others, that wouldn’t be utterly sad and pathetic, to change any of that.
Anyway, I guess the short version of all that is that, right now, no I’m very far from happy. Still here though.
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Originally posted by vanpeebles View PostAre you saying you want to start smoking?
My wife says her dad once pulled that smoking trick on her when she was a teen. Enjoying the opportunity for free cigarettes, she just smoked one after another until he gave up and took them from her.
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