Are you happy?

[QualityChimp]

Thanks, DT, you too. It's great we can all vent here, but the golden rule really should be seek professional help.

Most people don't want to be a burden and blokes particularly see it as a sign of weakness if they can't deal with issues themselves.
These things have a knock-on effect on everyone around them when they're not tackled.
Your mother-in-law didn't seek help so your wife is stressed.
Your wife stressed and off work.
You're shouldering all of this and presumably don't want to interfere, so sit around feeling impotent to help.

Are your kids getting your best?

Probably not, so seek help for those who need it and yourself if needs be.

[Neon Ignition]

Still waiting to hear a valid reason why you can't make the meetup, Supes. (Joke)

Now this is your dad's brother that has stopped working, meeting friends or planning for the future in any way, right?

He's going to be homeless, friendless and jobless when your Nan dies because he's stopped applying for jobs, cut ties with all his friends and the house won't be inherited, but when your dad tried to help he went nuts and threw them out of the house that's not even his?

.

Yep, that's the one. I think there's definitely going to end being a bigger conversation about things away from my Nan I think. She's not going to be in favour of much happening but bigger questions are now getting raised as to how much of her health concerns are going to be down to the day to day stress of living in that situation and it being worse than we already thought. We really need to get her more on board with the idea of pulling the rug from under him. Like you say DT, the nurses have been golden by the sounds and it'll do her some good to hear the same things we say but from objective outsiders too.

The missus's side of things; she's having some phone counselling sessions which are broadly helping even if in the moment they open old wounds. Her Mum is a bit like my Uncle in a way, doggedly determined not to do anything to change or improve things for herself... that and there's drink as a factor on that side of things which is no help. No wonder I'm near tee-total at this point

Not in a Goldeneye Alan Cumming's 'I'm Invincible!' kind of way but it's a small wonder I have a roll with things attitude. My missus (and to some extent my own but much less so than what she's dealt with) history over the last decade or just over involves her parents divorce, two early twenties friends deaths from long term terminal illnesses, two miscarriages, a family suicide, her Dad's disengagement from fulfilling that role (only seen our daughter once when she was 2 weeks old etc), numerous other smaller bits then this on top so dealing with stuff has always been on the cards as my missus is a very emotionally led person as opposed to my more... emotionally dead style.

Still, thank god we don't have to deal with two small kids 24/7 on top as wel....oh

[MrKirov]

I came home last night after the third day at my new job.

My fiancée had packed all of her clothes, makeup and everything and left. She even took my precious little cat girl Freya. Took all of her toys, and a massive cat tree we bought, her litter. Everything.

The only thing she left was a box under the bed, full of old valentines cards/photo albums and pictures/memories of us.

Devastated isn’t even a word to describe it right now.

She left a note saying she couldn’t be in the relationship anymore, had moved to her mums and needed space. I obviously went there, her dad wouldn’t let me in, wouldn’t let me talk to her or say goodbye to my precious Freya.

The worst part is, it’s all my fault. I’ve not listened to her trying to get me to get help, all because of my own pride. I didn’t know how much my anxiety and mental illness was effecting her, even though she was shouting it from the rooftops.

Now 10 years of mostly happy life are over. I’m in a four bed house we bought two months ago, alone.

And it’s all my fault.

I’ve realised what I’ve done, and I’ve arranged to see a doctor next week, and I’m on a waiting list for CBT, hopefully sooner rather than later.

I’ve ruined everything, and ground down the most important woman in my life who I will adore forever, and I’ve lost my beautiful little girl Freya in the process.

I managed to get out of bed and into work today, it’s a new job, I’ve got too. I’ve got to try my best to be positive and fix the problems I’ve identified, for me, but so that when we do speak- I can show her what I’ve done, rather than just give more words.

[Mayhem]

Well ****, really sorry to hear that mate, but you're starting on the path to put it right hopefully.

[charlesr]

For the first time ever, I woke up on my birthday without the kids there (normally they wake me up daftly early to give me presents). Not happy. On the plus side I went for a run on the South Downs; now I'm in bed - think flu. Pants.

[charlesr]

However I should add that whilst I wasn't happy, I'm not on a downer. Feel mentally OK right now.

[charlesr]

[MENTION=3332]MrKirov[/MENTION] bummer The tone of your post suggests you think you might win her back later. I'd suggest you focus on yourself for a while first though. One step at a time.

[MrKirov]

It’s my own fault. I’ve suffered anxiety for the last 1-2 years, and it’s declined to the point in manifests in weird ways, I get weird almost OCD about small things and make even the smallest thing into something massive. I then focus on it, and if one things ****, everything’s ****.

She was doing her best to help me but didn’t know what else to do apart from recommend I get help, but instead I focussed on fixing the external things that were troubling me, rather than the core issue. I thought- if I fix “x” I’ll be happy. But then it was the next thing, and the next thing.

She would work hard to help and assist and be there, but I ground her down over time, she didn’t know what mood I’d be in, or was on edge incase I lost my rag through anxiety at something else. I have no family or support network outside of her, so she would face the brunt of it constantly.

She kept telling me, and I obviously didn’t listen. I made things worse through a series of events on Friday, which were all my own fault. In my mind I was really trying, but I could have done so much more- but only now, after this, do I realise it all with such clarity.

In hindsight, all the things I was worrying about were pointless silly things, and that I should have been focusing on now, and enjoying our new home and life, rather than constantly trying to make everything perfect for her. Wrong choices for the right reasons. When if tell her it was all for them, it would only add more guilt.

She’s had her own problems on work and with family, and I haven’t been there for her in the way I should. She wouldn’t want to put more on me so was stressed, drained, and had nothing left. I did that to her. I realise that now. Too late.

She wanted kids in the next year or two, but worries about that while I was where I was. I understand her now.

We towed about the same thing a month ago, and I asked if she would be happier without me at that point t. She said no, and that she loved me and our life, but things needed to change and I needed to get help. I applied for councillong, I got it, but the times were during my new job, and at that time I didn’t know if I could attend so had to refuse. She was obviously annoyed.

Then we rowed again after I had an attack on Friday, and it was bad with shouting and losing myself, even though she was driving me to work in the snow.

I’m such a massive waster.

I wish I could tell her how much I’ve realised, but it’s best I give her some space. Eventually, hopefully, we will speak again and she will be willing to listen- if so, I’m going to show her what I’ve done and the steps I’ve taken to change for myself, and to hopefully get her back.

- reconnected with my mum after 5 years
- reconnected with my sister after a year
- going to the doctor, maybe get some meds
- going to councilling/ CBT

Getting a support network outside of her felt immediately helpful, so that I can ease the pressure from
Her all the time. Why didn’t I do it before...

It won’t be just words, I want to prove that I understand and that I’m committed to change. For me, and to get my family back.

[fishbowlhead]

For the first time ever, I woke up on my birthday without the kids there (normally they wake me up daftly early to give me presents). Not happy. On the plus side I went for a run on the South Downs; now I'm in bed - think flu. Pants.

Year but you have a Subaru and a huskie so jokes on them. Kidding of course

[MrKirov]

So distraught.

[MrKirov]

Thanks, DT, you too. It's great we can all vent here, but the golden rule really should be seek professional help.

Most people don't want to be a burden and blokes particularly see it as a sign of weakness if they can't deal with issues themselves.
These things have a knock-on effect on everyone around them when they're not tackled.
Your mother-in-law didn't seek help so your wife is stressed.
Your wife stressed and off work.
You're shouldering all of this and presumably don't want to interfere, so sit around feeling impotent to help.

Are your kids getting your best?

Probably not, so seek help for those who need it and yourself if needs be.

Reading my above, this is so true. I wish I listened before.

[QualityChimp]

Reading my above, this is so true. I wish I listened before.

It's easy to think "I can sort this. It'll get better. I'll ride the storm out."

We need to stop doing this, not just for ourselves, but for the sake of the ones we love, if we're in a dark place.

Although it's taken this life cataclysm to spur you into action, I'm really pleased you're doing something about this.
I'm really hoping you'll rescue your relationship and taking these steps to seek help sends her a strong signal that you want to better yourself for you and her.

Even if things don't work out between you, you'll come out the other side stronger and aware of your triggers.

Totally thinking of you, man.

[Dogg Thang]

Reading my above, this is so true. I wish I listened before.

Wow, you've just been through a lot. And yeah, maybe you should have listened before or done something earlier BUT we could all say this at certain times in our lives. Anxiety is not something that works on a very rational level. It can make you focus on things that aren't there while missing things that are. And that's not your fault. That's not you. That's the anxiety. And I know that's hard to believe at times and that you can play out all the things you should have done but, in these situations (and I know this more from depression than anxiety), our judgement is clouded because our vision is effectively clouded. It's not going to make it better and I'm pretty certain that deep down you're not going to believe this yet (you will later) but it's important to at least hear: this is not your fault, as in YOU. This is anxiety's fault.

However, once we hit a point where we recognise that or, unfortunately as is the case for so many (you're not alone), when it has affected our lives so badly that we can't help but face it, it IS our responsibility to deal with. And that can be so hard when we're still clouded by the thing itself. But look at what you're doing - you have already taken so many of the exact right steps. And that's really hard. Even hitting bottom, so many people can't do that. You're going to work and at a new job too. You're seeing the doctor and actively looking for help. That is the EXACT RIGHT THING. You are now doing the exact right things you can do and, dude, I can tell you that takes real strength. A lesser person (I have been this lesser person) would curl up into foetal position and try to shut out the rest of the world and hope they just pop out of existence. You're not doing that.

Your posts are really hard to read and I feel so much for you but (and I know this sounds weird) I was smiling when I got to the steps you are taking because too many people take too long to do what you're doing now. Far from beating you up over it, I applaud the drive you have now to help yourself and those around you. It's not going to be an easy road but you're already giving yourself the best shot.

I will be keeping my fingers crossed for you. Please follow that road you're on and don't give up.

[MrKirov]

It's easy to think "I can sort this. It'll get better. I'll ride the storm out."

We need to stop doing this, not just for ourselves, but for the sake of the ones we love, if we're in a dark place.

Although it's taken this life cataclysm to spur you into action, I'm really pleased you're doing something about this.
I'm really hoping you'll rescue your relationship and taking these steps to seek help sends her a strong signal that you want to better yourself for you and her.

Even if things don't work out between you, you'll come out the other side stronger and aware of your triggers.

Totally thinking of you, man.

Im doing it for myself, but I’m doing it for my family, and to get them back. Honestly, without them both, I’m nothing. Everything I’ve done has been for them, to my own detriment. I just want my girls back, and I’ll do anything to prove I can be a better man for our future. I don’t know what i’ll do without my girls in my life. I’ve worked so hard, getting new jobs, getting nearly double my salary over five years, all to give them everything. But it’s backfired.

Need to stop constantly focusing on providing for them and what our future plans are, but instead enjoy the now I have with them. I’ve had this epiphany, genuinely, and I can only hope I can eventually reach her, and prove it, and get another chance. She said she loved me and didn’t want to be without me and loved our life, that was a month ago. I want to be a better man.

[MrKirov]

Wow, you've just been through a lot. And yeah, maybe you should have listened before or done something earlier BUT we could all say this at certain times in our lives. Anxiety is not something that works on a very rational level. It can make you focus on things that aren't there while missing things that are. And that's not your fault. That's not you. That's the anxiety. And I know that's hard to believe at times and that you can play out all the things you should have done but, in these situations (and I know this more from depression than anxiety), our judgement is clouded because our vision is effectively clouded. It's not going to make it better and I'm pretty certain that deep down you're not going to believe this yet (you will later) but it's important to at least hear: this is not your fault, as in YOU. This is anxiety's fault.

However, once we hit a point where we recognise that or, unfortunately as is the case for so many (you're not alone), when it has affected our lives so badly that we can't help but face it, it IS our responsibility to deal with. And that can be so hard when we're still clouded by the thing itself. But look at what you're doing - you have already taken so many of the exact right steps. And that's really hard. Even hitting bottom, so many people can't do that. You're going to work and at a new job too. You're seeing the doctor and actively looking for help. That is the EXACT RIGHT THING. You are now doing the exact right things you can do and, dude, I can tell you that takes real strength. A lesser person (I have been this lesser person) would curl up into foetal position and try to shut out the rest of the world and hope they just pop out of existence. You're not doing that.

Your posts are really hard to read and I feel so much for you but (and I know this sounds weird) I was smiling when I got to the steps you are taking because too many people take too long to do what you're doing now. Far from beating you up over it, I applaud the drive you have now to help yourself and those around you. It's not going to be an easy road but you're already giving yourself the best shot.

I will be keeping my fingers crossed for you. Please follow that road you're on and don't give up.

This has literally just made me cry at my desk.

I just want my family back. That’s whats driving me. One night in that house alone was too much. The first time in 10 years I haven’t had my little girls cwtched up next to me in bed. I don’t know what I’m going to do tonight, but I’ve got to live with it. Godamnit im going to work hard to get my family back.