The Relationship Thread-Good, Bad or Indifferent.

[Welrain]

The tone seems to have been set to "nasty".

This a major event in someones life and can feel every bit as bad as a bereavement. It's still new and raw. The man up comments are a bit early don't you think?

[huxley]

Oh for the love of god! she`s out shagging one of your mates, go and fcuk some of hers!

[Welrain]

*sighs*

[MisterBubbles]

Its just life aint it, just when you relax and think you've sussed it out, it comes and bites you on the butt. Everybody's been through it and you will as well its usually called growing up and the school of hard knocks.

[mr_sockochris]

Been there too mate, it sucks. Not going to bore you in great details but I was with my ex for the best part of 2 years until one weekend in June she decided that it was over. No warning, nothing. We had everything in common, we never argued and had an amazing holiday together in May and I couldn't have been happier. But obviously she wasn't and that was it.

I didn't eat much for a week and lived pretty much on cereal, yoghurts and nutri-grain elevensis bars for a month (its all i could stomach eating) so you're not alone on the 'not eating' thing, though you must find something you can eat as there's no point getting ill over it. On the plus side, I finally lost the weight ive been wanting to shift for a while. Jeans that I couldn't get into are too big for me now so it's not all bad

But all jokes aside, it's been 7 months now and I do still miss her. But it IS getting easier. I was worried how I would feel at Christmas but I enjoyed it with only a few thoughts of her.

You've got friends. You've got family. Don't forget them, I can't describe how much they helped me

[Jebus]

The tone seems to have been set to "nasty".

This a major event in someones life and can feel every bit as bad as a bereavement. It's still new and raw. The man up comments are a bit early don't you think?

Indeed, when someone in the maelstrom of emotion a "breakup" creates, you cannot expect them to "man up" or just "get over it".

All this talk of "my life is much worse because..." is irrelevant because Kirov can only relate to things that have happened to him in his life. There's plenty of things worse than splitting up with a girlfriend of 3 years, of course there is, but he can't see them right now and it's his right to wallow in that.

[MrKirov]

Right then. Firstly, to those who are now whining about me talking about my situation?

Go **** yourselves.

You clearly know what the thread is going to be about, especially as its been here for three goddamn years. If you dont want to read it, then **** off. Noone here wants nor needs your comments.

To those who have offered advice, and genuinely tried to help, I sincerely thank you.

So we met up yesterday. She text me in the morning to confirm we were still okay to meet, I said yes and she turned up about 1pm.

She brought all my things back, My dvd's, my late christmas gift, even two hoodies she had stolen as she loved them. It pained me to see them returned as I know that I had stashed away an item of clothing of hers, just so I had something tangible of hers if the worst happened. To think she wasnt doing the same hurt.

With everything that I had learned over the past few days, I realised that sometimes I have troubles saying or remembering everything I would want to say, or how to say it. So I wrote it down, explained this to her, and that I would be referring to it so I didnt forget, or say something the way it was unintended. I also said that I wanted to say these things before she said anything, as I wanted her to know I had come to these conclusions myself, and werent just a reply to what she was going to say.

I asked her to look at me as I said it, and she said she couldnt.

I finished, I said my piece,and she even agreed that what I had said was correct. I told her we could make this work and we could both be even happier than we were only a few months ago. That I was going to stop being introverted as I had been recently, and that I was doing it for myself and not for her, and that alot of it was down to falling out with my best friend of 17 years, and being scared to go out almost due to getting hurt again. I said that its both our faults for getting complacent and both of us not saying anything and hoping they would work out incase we rocked the boat. We ended up speaking for about 4-5 hours in total.

She was crying through alot of it, however I stayed strong. She wouldnt even let me hold her hand or anything while I talked. She said she couldnt try again as she wanted to focus on herself, her uni and her social life, and that her feelings were different as she could not get over the past few months.

I told her she didnt need to give anything up, and that we had always worked around it before. That I had texts from her from only a week ago saying how much she loved me, and that how we would make it work. I even said to her about starting again, dating again, seeing each other only a few times and going out for a meal etc, trying to get back to how we were over time without any pressure.

She wouldnt budge. I told her that ultimately I know she was torn in the decision due to the mixed signals, and that we had been so happy for so long until recently. She agreed, and even agreed that if any of these things hadnt happened in the past few months, we would still be happy and together.

Still she wouldnt budge. Then the hurt bombs began to drop.

I said that surely it meant something that I had come to these conclusions myself, and that she cant of expected to come here to find I had realised all of this myself. She agreed she didnt, she said that she tried to say something in december, but I wasnt understanding so she backed off and stayed with me.... All she said was that maybe I wanted someone my own age by the way... There wasnt all that much to it...

I asked her if she went out for her new years party, and asked how shed been over the past few days. She replied "numb". I asked if she had done anything stupid like I had of sniffing her top, she said she had only looked at one of the hoodies...I asked if she had missed me and she said yes, and I said what had happened to me during the party, and asked if it was the same for her. She said "No I was trying not to think about you and didnt really miss you"

Knife through the heart.

As time was passing we were getting closer and were hugging, sometimes when I went to hold her hand she tried to get me off, and other times she was really holding on tightly. I wanted nothing more than for her to say she wanted to try again. I said to her that she loved me so much throughout the relationship, and that she was always telling me this. I said that she must still love me even if we've had rough times recently. She said "Im still fond of you, I dont have any ill will towards you"

I then told her she didnt need to run away for fear of being hurt like with her ex. I said that it is unfair of her to even come here if she wasnt even willing to listen. She said she wasnt running away, and she wouldnt be here if she was. I honestly thought it was more about appeasing her own guilt than anything.

I said to take a break as we had been talking for a while, so went outside for a fag. She said "I cant believe you're smoking again" I said that its all ive had at the moment, she said "I can still chastise you about it".

We began hugging I was talking to her and asking her whether she would miss this, as she had always said how happy she was and how safe she always felt in my arms. She said she would and really hugged me. I mean really. I then went to kiss her, and she said no. I said that I couldnt remember the last time we kissed even though it was only days ago, and we did end up kissing.

She then started saying that she still wanted me to be a part in her life, and that this isnt the last time she would be here.

I honestly dont know what we did then. Its all become a blur. I said about her things, and said what she had left, she was umming and ahhing over going to get them but then said "its not going to be the last time I am here, so will get them another time" I didnt know what to think at that.

I then mentioned my key, she had forgotten about it, and began to take it off her keyfob, then I stupidly said to keep it until next time if this wasnt the last time I would be seeing her. As she went to leave I started breaking down a little bit, crying and hugging her, she only said not to, and "that it was like a knife through her heart"

I said to her that it was unfair for her to make this decision on her own, and to not even mention any of this to me before making this choice. I said that It would also be unfair of me to expect her to make a snap decision right now after I had told her everything. I asked her to seriously think about what I had said, and to take some more time as it had only been three days,and if her mind changed to contact me. I said I would wait for her, but that I wouldnt wait forever. She left saying she was going to try and come over on Monday??

Then she left. 4 -5 hours later. I then felt numb, and didnt really know what to think. I feel the same today. I know I have an answer and thats better ultimately. But feel betrayed, hurt, and annoyed that she wasnt even willing to try. Ive been angry, ive cryed, ive not really known what to do with myself. Im dreading going back to work tomorrow. Because I know i'll either breakdown infront of everyone of lose my rag.

Im so ****ed off that she wouldnt try again. She was saying she understood the whys and hows, and that she understood not seeing my best mate of 17 years has caused alot of it, she claimed to understand it all. but still couldnt see past the last few months of a near two year relationship... "I dont want to be in a relationship with you right now, I need to focus on me, my uni and my own social life I dont want to say ever but will as I dont want you clinging to hope"

Yet she said that if none of this had happened over the past few months, she agreed that we would still be together. It all just sounds like guilt relieving bollocks to me.

I cant help but feel so lost and alone. Yet I still just want her back.

[teenagewasteland]

It's really hard to know what to say to a post like that and at the end of the day you'll always do what you feel is right.
Whatever happens I know that when you come out on the other side you will be a better and stronger man; even if it hurts for a while.

[_y_]

Yes, the main thing is that this will get better. Your feelings are typically adolescent; I do not mean this in a nasty way. But as adolescents we feel things so much sharper, they cut you so much deeper. When you're a teen the end of a relationship feels like the end of your world. So these are adolescent feelings, regardless of age.

This is the worst thing in the world at this point, but with time comes perspective and with perspective comes calm. It will get better. You will move on. Nearly everyone has had these feelings, and nearly everyone recovers from them.

So hang in there, try to return to normality. Eat properly, go to work, adopt a routine. Eventually, you will be fine.

[mr_sockochris]

I've learnt 2 things from my break up -

1. Once a woman has made up their mind that is it. Once she'd decided it was over, it was over. No decent explaination or anything, just that she didn't feel the same about me anymore and nothing I said made any difference. 

2. Women are generally full of ****. Just 4 days before my ex broke it off with me she was going on about much she believes things happen for a reason and that we were meant to be togther and how much she loved me. My dad died 7 years ago and hers did last year and she said that she believed that she met me in to help her through it later on. In a way she wasn't wrong I suppose if you throw in the word 'just' before 'met' in that last sentence. 

Anyway, I'm actually at the point now where I don't really care anymore. I know how well I treated her so it's her loss at the end of the day. Infact, if she was to ask me back now I I'd actually say no - I didn't think I'd ever say that so hang on in there, it does get easier

[NW2013]

I've learnt 2 things from my break up -

1. Once a woman has made up their mind that is it. Once she'd decided it was over, it was over. No decent explaination or anything, just that she didn't feel the same about me anymore and nothing I said made any difference.*

That's very true, you've explained your side of things and set out your position but don't bother doing anything else as it probably isn't going to work. Look after yourself and try (as difficult as it may be) to put her out of your mind.

[Baseley09]

I've learnt 2 things from my break up -

1. Once a woman has made up their mind that is it. Once she'd decided it was over, it was over. No decent explaination or anything, just that she didn't feel the same about me anymore and nothing I said made any difference.*

2. Women are generally full of ****. Just 4 days before my ex broke it off with me she was going on about much she believes things happen for a reason and that we were meant to be togther and how much she loved me. My dad died 7 years ago and hers did last year and she said that she believed that she met me in to help her through it later on. In a way she wasn't wrong I suppose if you throw in the word 'just' before 'met' in that last sentence.*

Anyway, I'm actually at the point now where I don't really care anymore. I know how well I treated her so it's her loss at the end of the day. Infact, if she was to ask me back now I I'd actually say no - I didn't think I'd ever say that so hang on in there, it does get easier

I suscribe to this also, from my experience women seem to have a feelings kill switch.

I'd say guys also take longer to get over being stiffed. Which pisses me off when TV always makes women out to be the victims of these situations. They always come out smelling of roses in real life.

[Jebus]

She said she couldnt try again as she wanted to focus on herself, her uni and her social life, and that her feelings were different as she could not get over the past few months.

I told her she didnt need to give anything up, and that we had always worked around it before. That I had texts from her from only a week ago saying how much she loved me, and that how we would make it work. I even said to her about starting again, dating again, seeing each other only a few times and going out for a meal etc, trying to get back to how we were over time without any pressure.

I don't mean to sound cruel mate but it sounds like you are begging her...

More importantly though, it sounds as though if she actually said what she said in that first paragraph I've quoted, then it was never going to work.

Relationships are about give and take, unrequited love and later on about sometimes mutual dependancy. She sounds like everything is about her and what she wants, which means eventually when you needed her, maybe in a month maybe in ten years...she wouldn't be there for you.

Again, not meaning to sound cruel but if she wants to focus on all those things and she can't incorporate you into them, she can't make you a part of this "new life" then honestly, think about what that means, what that means she thinks of you?

To be honest, a lot of what you've said in the above post sounds like she's playing games with you, which will leave you more ****ed up in the head in the long run. First she's leaving you, then she's back to talk for 6 hours, then she's still leaving you but at some point she'll be back to see you...probably when she needs something. As for the "this won't be the last time I'm back here"...I kinda feel like you need to be asking why, what for, are we through or not?

You love her, clearly you do, but this all stinks of someone playing games withone someone elses emotions.

[MrKirov]

I agree completely. There was a few times yesterday when I wanted to say "What the **** are you talking about, stop contradictingyourself and making me out to be a dick, when YOU didnt say anything was wrong in the first place."...

...But I didnt. I wanted her back and was just trying to keep calm and try and get through to her. Its not fair about the whole having her cake and eating it thing. I realise this, but seeing her take her things and giving the key was just too hard to stomach.

It wasnt intended as begging, I was just trying to give her the space she needed but without everything being over. I figured once these problems had gone, and the stresses had lifted, she would enjoy our time together as much as before.

Thats the thing, she was still laughing, smiling and enjoying herself with me even right on the day she did it...

[MikeRox]

Tis 4 years to the day that I broke up with my first serious girlfriend, was in bits for months. Yet it was also the best thing that ever happened to me. I finally started being social at uni for my final year and am now going out with someone I'm much happier with (something that would have seemed inconceivable to me 4 years ago) but it's only when you get past the god awful bit you're going through now, that you find out things can actually be much better and you were looking at your ex through the most distorting rose tinted glasses on earth.

Especially if like you say, your mates didn't like her, I now know from experience that it's actually a fairly good indication of whether someone is right for you.

Ignore the "oh my life has been so much worse get a grip!" folks, force yourself to "get out" more, I don't mean to look for another girl or anything, just take the next few weeks or months for some time for doing thing you and only you want to do. Play that game she didn't like, watch that film she couldn't stand, whatever you'd be amazed how a good group of friends and some good time helps you get over an ex no matter how much that ex meant to you at the time.

Other than that, I just wish you the best with it all, Christmas may sound like a ****ty time for it, but it's also great as we're in a completely different year now, and psychologically that may make it much easier to look forward rather than backwards. Best thing you can do for yourself is fight the urges to see her, meet up with her etc. as the longer you stick in that phase (I did for a couple of months) the longer it all drags on, as soon as I cut the tie, I felt free. Might be worth you doing the same, she's got you wrapped around her little finger atm, and she has the power because she ended the relationship.