The Relationship Thread-Good, Bad or Indifferent.

[Neon Ignition]

Takes me back to my ex, it does take some time to get there after a break up but it definately hits a point where it's almost like the relationship never happened. For example, I was devestated at the time but tonight I'll be out and I'll be channeling pure Flight of the Conchords Sugarlumps

[topper]

Im trying so hard not to go into self destruct mode right now. So hard.

Dude. Every little decision you get right, every time you show an ounce of strength, will contribute to your feeling better, as will *time*. Don't try to be superman, just get through every minute, every hour - that's how to get through the days and months. Don't analyze everything if you can help it, don't sit there thinking, just try to move forward and follow your path.

Sometimes we are faced with a junction, and we can turn left or right, and both options are ****, but one is less **** than the other. Good luck and take it slow.

[fishbowlhead]

This is why im so confused though, if she was so happy up until recently, why leave me? Why did she have to go instead of telling me the problems and us solving them? Not having a proper answer as to why shes left doesnt help.

I keep thinking about things ive said, things ive done, things I should have done diffeently maybe? I dont know what to do, could I have avoided this? Should I be trying to speak to her now and fighting for her?

She took her things last night but only make up and her work top. Shes left some night clothes, pj's and a hair dryer. nothing irreplacable. Im not sure she'll be coming back for them, and im not sure if I could faceher if she did. Shes got some of my dvd's and things as well.

As she was leaving there was her dads electric heater by the door, she was umming and ahhing over taking it, but decided to take it with her. I take it this means she took it as its not hers and thought she had better take it as she wont be coming back?

I really dont know. All I want right now is a cwtch off her. When life got ****, she would be the one I could always turn too. Now shes gone, I just dont know what to do with myself.

Same thing happened to me last year fella. Just after new years i split up with my girlfriend. Absolutely ripped me in two, in some respects im still not over her as i haven't bothered with a relationship this year, just messed about a bit. I was also not looking forward to christmas either, but my family made it an awesome day for me.

I also spent all year training to get back in shape, which in turn has boosted my self confidence massively.

In short, hang in there, go party hard with your mates and try to not think about her too much, otherwise itle eat you up.


Aint love a bitch

[BeyondJumpFish]

From my experience there is always someone else involved, Happened to me a few times and there was always another bloke lurking in the back ground.

100%. I've been cheated on 3 times now and all 3 times i never found out until the break up. Trust no one.

[MisterBubbles]

Mate if she has cheated your well shot of her and you've had a lucky escape.
Everybody's been there and got the t-shirt by now. My ex of 4 years and i bought a house , 1 week before after i had given up my flat, she phones me FFS , cant even talk to me face to face and gives me we ( she means her) cant do this as she dont love me no more. So im kinda homeless and in pieces, needed to go stay with my mother a few weeks , did get another flat, but this toook ages , what with work and all the stress i had a breakdown, took me nearly a year to get my head right, Then i joined a climbing club and it boosted my self asteem, so as Fishbowlhead says keep active and surround yourself with friends and family , and dont be shy to tell them about your feelings. In time you'll get over it , but focus on yourself , NOT her , i know its hard, but the sooner you do the easier it will be , good luck and it will get better.

[MrKirov]

Well a bit of an update for you. I woke up this morning and did something kind of stupid. Luckily it hasnt worked out too badly and at least I feel a bit better than I did yesterday.

I woke up this morning and NEEDED to see her. Needed it more than anything. So I drove to her house to see her before she went to work.

I drove there, plucked up the courage to go to the door and knocked. She wasnt there and her dad answered. He said she wasnt there but at work, I said that its unfair to involve them but if he knew anything about why as I still didnt know. He said he didnt but there is noone else if that what I was thinking, and that its best to ring her. I said thank you to him for always treating me like one of his own, I left and he said he would tell her I came by.

I then decided to do something worse and go to her work. I wouldnt have even considered this before, however now that I had now been to her house and talked to her dad, I felt it best that I tell her this rather than her hearing it second hand and thinking the worst of it.

She was on the checkout, and I went up to see her. First thing is, when she saw me, she smiled. It was amazing. I said hello as did she. She didnt get nervous or anxious, and wasnt trying to hurry me away. We chatted, I told her that i'd been round but she want there, and explained that it was best to hear it from me. She said she understood.

We chatted for a bit, even got a laugh. I said that I would have rang her instead of coming round, but I was afraid that she wouldnt answer. I was told that of course shewould answer, and that she doesnt want this to be nasty. I said we needed to have a chat and we needed to meet up at some point soon, she agreed. I asked her if she was going to a new years party she was invited to tonight that she mentioned the other day, she said she didnt know. We were due to go for a meal tonight, I said that we still could if she didnt end up going, and said to call me if so, she said she might.

I mentioned if not, that maybe when we're both off on saturday we could go out shopping, or to sit down somewhere and chat. She seemed to agree. I stupidly then said if she's finishing at 10:30 then we could talk today, but she said she didnt know about that so I said not a problem, and that theres no pressure, and that she can take some time.

She mentioned why she deleted me from facebook, she said that it wasnt malicious, only that it was to give us the time apart we needed. I agreed, and can kind of see her point, as we would no doubt be looking at each others pages for updates, or that one of us would try and IM the other.

Im glad now that I can ring her at least, and that she seemed happy to see me, I expected her to want me gone and to be told not to bother her at work. Not getting that felt good. Now im back to the waiting game, if I dont hear from her by saturday, ill call and arrange to meet.

I know I shouldnt hope we get back together. Its hard not to hope that something can come from it though. Ultimately with the gift of hindsight, I can see what the problems were that we were having, and what has strained things recently, and what has made her feel cloustrophobic. Hopefully we can talk about these things and work it out. This is all the fallout from what was tried to be said earlier in December, and I hope to god she will be willing to at least here me out about giving it another shot and fixing these things.

I honestly believe we are soul mates, and couldnt find two more matched people. I prey that she will be missing me as much as I miss her, and that she will be willing to try again. If this pain is what it takes to make our relationship even better in the future, then so be it.

The waiting game continues again.

[topper]

This is why giving advice is often a waste of time. People need to learn things for themselves. For example, do you really think that soul mates even get close to this sort of episode? Do you really think that "matched people" go through this drama? Do you think that they have to have crisis talks about fixing things? Relationships need hard work and balance, but there are limits. If the foundation is good enough, this sort of thing just doesn't happen.

You said you're the type of person who needs love, well maybe learn to love yourself enough to satisfy your ego, then you won't be as likely to continue to throw "good money after bad" by chasing the wrong skirt, and letting said skirt control you and wrap you round its little finger. There are literally millions of women out there who may be more suited to you.

I realise that may read negative, I'm not trying to be a downer, it's just my opinion.

[MrKirov]

I undrstand your'e point, and agree in some ways. However obviously every case is different. I just know that she has only ever been with one other person in her life, and that he cheated on her after 3 years. After the incident in December she even said that part of it was because shes gets worried and wants to leave before she gets hurt.

In this case where we werent seeing each other as much, and I was getting irritated by it maybe she thought it was best to do a pre emptive strike? Consdiering she did say when she broke up with me that she was doing this as it would hurt more later on down the line.

I dont know, because of the mixed signals beforehand , the fact that this is like no break up ive ever experienced before, and that she is so much more torn (Uni/work/me- no time to herself) I think there is more hope in this situation than in a normal one. It still may be a pipedream, but when we eventually sit down and chat about it, I can only plead my case, and if she loves me as much as she has always protested, she may be willing to give it another try, only this time with the problems out in the open and solutions in place.

I can only wait and see.

Also, in refernce to your point, I do believe that yes, everyone argues, and everyone at somepoint in a relationship has some kind of "episode". Ultimately thats how relationships gets stronger. This same situation has happened to a friend, who has been advsiing me ever since it happened. Together 3 years, then over, followed by the longest hardest 3 weeks of her life with no contact, then back together and getting married next year after 7 years together. Not saying thats what will happen here, but im going to try my damndest to fight for what I want and love.

Isnt that the point of life?

[MrKirov]

Also, on the plus side, my old mate Donna (who I havent seen in about 1 1/2 years) has just rung me after seeing my miserable facebook post, spoke for 40 mins,and has invited me to her new years party tonight, and wouldnt take no for an answer.

Was umming and ahhing as I would only know a few people there, and quite a few couples going. Also wouldnt be able to drink as have to drive there and back. Probably a good thing though as I wouldnt want to start crying into my beer! Noone likes that!

Im thinking ill go, if only to get out of the house and take my mind off it. She may be goign to a party tonight so maybe I will too.

[BeyondJumpFish]

I have to say, i read your post like i was whitnessing a car crash MrKirov.

[buster_broon]

a long time ago i met a girl onboard and we hit it off instantly

it was the best 3 months ever, after a month she asked if i wanted children and i said yeah eventually and for some reason we planned out what we were going to do for our future. She was indeed and i still believe is my soulmate, but fate got involved and even if we had stayed together it would have never been the same.

every touch was incredible, everything clicked - just everything worked in a way i cannot describe, from stolen moments onboard to staying in hotels over the weekend

so the next month we started trying for a child, having sex 2-3 times a day is actually pretty awesome and pretty much tiring especially being onboard, even though it doesnt have to be like that - but it was fun nevertheless.

but the next month she was late and eventually after being late for 11 days we took the pregnancy test and it showed up that she was 3+ weeks pregnant which in real terms is around 5 weeks which worked out perfectly, but i was happy and she wasnt, you could see it on her face.

for that last month when we were trying she got me talking to her tummy and calling it a jellybean and we even had picked out names, telling me about walks with our child if she was pregnant, so my head was struggling to comprehend what was going on and i had no idea what was happening.

4 days after the test she told me she was having the abortion and i ended up breaking my knuckle punching a wall, within 1 week we had broken up because i wasnt as caring and gentle anymore, which is generally bull**** speak by women and it took my head over 2 weeks to really understand what the hell was going on and why was she being so cruel.

a month after that she had the vacuum aspiration and even though i was there for the termination, i was hoping that she would have changed her mind. I stayed with her until she felt better and i've never really spoken to her again. She was 12 weeks gone and everything was perfect.

I even offered to take the child off her when it was born and bring it up by myself, she said she would fall in love with it and wouldnt want to give it away, no matter what i tried it wasnt enough. The child would have been loved, kept warm and sufficient money for it to have a decent shot at life

for that instant when she told me she was pregnant i felt the most elated i've ever been and in the circumstances she told me she wasnt ready, the idea of wanting a child and actually having one seem to be poles apart.

seems strange now to think back at how quickly everything was going, but never assume life has you ending up with your soulmate

first time i've ever told anyone about that story

[MrKirov]

I know. It was a stupid thing to do, I agree, I was even telling myself that as it happened. However ultimately, it has helped, if only to find out that we are on speaking terms and that things arent as bad as they may seem. Im still damned crushed, and have opened a whole new can of pain, but it could have ended alot worse.

If she wasnt the type of person who I knew wouldnt have liked it, I wouldnt have done it I think.

[MrKirov]

but never assume life has you ending up with your soulmate

QFT. However it doesnt mean I shouldnt try. Im not going to sit back and accept it. I would if it was more stable, if there was more reason. But something isnt right, and whatever it is, even if its not what I already know, if I can fix it, and I can make her as happy as shes been up until recently, I will.

[abigsmurf]

That really sucks BB.

I know 'my body my choice' and all that but the truth is, the baby itself is only 50% her body. It's one thing aborted unplanned or handicapped pregnancies but aborting a planned pregnancy for non-medical or wellbeing reasons, particulalry against one partner's wishes, is a horrible thing to do.

Sounds like you went above and beyond supporting her despite this. I can't imagine how hard it would be sitting in the clinic whilst it was being done. The only thing you can take from this is the knowledge that if she was like that then, would she have then put you and the child through a messy divorce five years down the line?

Something you can take from this is that there are an awful lot of women out there who want nothing more than a partner who is loving, caring and ready to start a family together. Although a crushing experience, you'll at least be able to spot warning signs now that someone else may not be ready for a family.

[JazzFunk]

Sorry to hear that story, BB, life's a crapper at times.

Me and my ex's relationship was full of ups and downs. I do believe we ARE 'soulmates', but that external, uncontrollable circumstances have served to drive that ideal into the ground, and I think they would in most instances when 'soulmates' live together. The idea of a single 'soulmate' is a romantic ideal, and I believe that there are many 'soulmates' out there, if you give time a chance to find you one.

I mean, I've cried rivers of tears through the years, but some day the tears must stop and you have to get on with things because the tears will eventually drive you nuts if you let them, the pain is familiar and addictive, borne of love, but it becomes a fatal poison given time. I've developed a tougher skin since starting the relationship almost 4 years back, I've HAD to develop it, being soft and emotional all the time is folly, and you need an internal "Self Preservation Society", you need to have some plateau of stability inside else every emotional trauma will murder your spirit.

You said you're the type of person who needs love, well maybe learn to love yourself enough

I agree with that part of the statement. When the only thing you crave is the love of your woman, you're putting yourself in a dangerously vulnerable place. I was pretty vulnerable when I first started seeing my ex (having had a serious withdrawal from antidepressants), I was nervy and self-loathing, and I used to crave her love ALL the time. As time has gone on, and I've got reintegrated back into society, into work, I've pushed my own boundaries so far that I first started recognising how well-liked I was, at work, from friends, then I finally started to accept it, and now I see myself from a better viewpoint, I am determined NOT to allow myself back into that darkplace of fear and madness, it is MY duty to protect myself (because no other bugger is, when it comes to the crunch).

You need to protect yourself, MrKirov, throw yourself into things, into other people, establish new connections that will haze over a lot of the pain in your heart.

It's...the only way.