The Banter Thread / Banter Topic / Sean Bean

[Yoshimax]

Aren't jokes meant to be funny ?

Man comes home from pub and the wife's upstairs in bed reading a book - He has a duck tucked under his arm.

He walks into the bedroom and says "This is the pig I'm going to **** tonight"

The wife says "That's a duck"

He says "I wasn't talking to you"

[Crimson Day]

Aren't jokes meant to be funny ?

Man comes home from pub and the wife's upstairs in bed reading a book - He has a duck tucked under his arm.

He walks into the bedroom and says "This is the pig I'm going to **** tonight"

The wife says "That's a duck"

He says "I wasn't talking to you"

loving it keep em coming

[Crimson Day]

ooo the threds merged as i replied, do i detect some spooky Mod forces at work

[Mus]

I seen 6 men punching my Mother-in-law...

My neighbour asked "You not going to help?"

..I said "Nah, six should do it"

[briareos_kerensky]

Bought a new mobile today, as the battery on my previous gave up. Went to a nearby shop, looked at the windows for a while and found what I was looking for: a sub-100 euros mobile, went in and asked for it. The guy tried to sell me one of those phones with a 1.3 mpixel camera...150 euros are a bit too much for a mobile (or so I think), but here's what made my day:
Him:"[this mobile] has a 1.3 megapixel camera, but you can interpolate it and got images up to 50 mpixels!"
Me: "excuse what does it...no, wait, just give me the phone I asked. I don't think my mental sanity will be able to withstand your explanation"
Him: "Huh?"
Me: "Nothing, never mind. That phone. Commercial invoice please. Here's my data."
And I have this new, 80 euros toy (still too expensive, but it was the cheaper) that accepts bmp as wallpapers and mp3s as tunes. Too bad that the manual doesn't specify dimensions and sampling rates for those files.

[ItsThere]

Apparently taken from English GCSE papers. And they say standards are
slipping...



> His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
> underpants in a tumble dryer.
>
> The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg
> behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.
>
> McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled
> with vegetable soup.
>
> Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
>
> Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre.
>
> Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
>
> He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
>
> The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you
> fry them in hot grease.
>
> Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the
> grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having
> left York at 6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 mph, the other from
> Peterborough at
> 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
>
> The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr.
> on a Dr Pepper can.
>
> John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had
> also never met.
>
> The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet
> of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
>
> The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red crayon.
>
> Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only
> one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.
>
> The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the
> interview portion of Family Fortunes.
>
> The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan
> just might work.
>
> The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating
> for a while.
>
> Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her chest heaving like a student on
> 99p-a-pint night.
>
> He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a
> real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine
> or something.
>
> Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell
> butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."
>
> She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes
> just before it throws up.
>
> It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had
> ever seen before.
>
> Her teeth were gritted, just like the A66 in January.
>
> The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Glenda Jackson MP in her
> first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Robin Cook MP,
> Leader of the House of Commons, in the House Judiciary Committee
> hearings on the suspension of Keith Vaz MP.
>
> The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because
> of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a
> formerly surcharge-free cashpoint.
>
> She was lovely. She was sweet and kind and pretty. She was a hug just
> waiting to happen.
>
> The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric
> fan set on medium.
>
> It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around
> with their power tools.
>
> He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as
> if she were a dustcart reversing.
>
> She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword.
>
> She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was
> room-temperature British beef.
>
> She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
>
> Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation
> thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.
>
> It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to
> the wall

[VR46]

Anger Managerment

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take
it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on
someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to
make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."
I politely said, "This is David. Could I please speak with Robert
Campbell ?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f*kin
number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that
anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robert's correct number to
call him, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two
digits.

After hanging up with him, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled " You're a C*nt!" and
hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'C*nt' next to it, and
put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills
or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, " You're a
C*nt!" It always cheered me up When Caller ID was introduced, I thought
my therapeutic ' C*nt' calling would have to stop. So, I called his
number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from BT. I'm calling to see if
you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and
slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's
because you're a C*nt!"

One day I was at LakesideShopping Centre, getting ready to pull into a
parking spot. Some guy in a gunmetal grey Land Rover cut me off and
pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and
yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I
noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his
number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first C*nt (I
had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the Land
Rover C*nt, too. I said, "Is this the man with the gunmetal grey Land
Rover for sale?"
Yes, it is", he said. "Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.
"Yes, I live at 129 Alice Street, in Ilford. It's a terraced house, and
the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Steve Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Steve?"
"I'm home most days as I'm currently unemployed."
"Listen, Steve, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Steve, you're a C*nt!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed
dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two arseholes to call. Then I came up
with an idea.
I called C*nt #1.
Hello." "You're a C*nt!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Steve Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"C*nt, I live at 129 Alice Street, Ilford, a terraced house, with my
gunmetal grey Land Rover parked out the front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Steve. And you had better start
saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, C*nt," and hung up.
Then I called C*nt #2. "Hello?" he said.
"Hello, C*nt," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your arse," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, C*nt, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
129 Alice Street, Ilford, and that I was on my way over there to kill my
gay lover. Then I called Channel 5 News about the hoodie war going down
in Alice Street, Ilford.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Alice Street. I got there
just in time to watch two C*nts beating the crap out of each other in
front of six police cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really works...

[shuzo]

that last post made my work day so much better.

[eastyy]

i just take a deep breath and count backwards

[radio]

YEAH!

[Silvergun X]

Nice edit.

I'm quite surprised my relationship is still going as strong as it is. Doesn't seem like that long ago since the first date, just over 2 months away actually, and things feel like they're getting stronger every day.

Infact I do believe i'm off to Crayford or London with her again this weekend.

Shame she doesn't celebrate christmas, I planned on buying her Guitar Hero II for a prezzie considering how obsessed with the first one she is, though I may just buy it for her for the hell of it.

Happy days.

[Crisp_Rapper]

is it wrong that i'm really looking forward to taking delivery of a brand new 'control everything' remote control? it feels wrong.

[HaHaUK]

is it wrong that i'm really looking forward to taking delivery of a brand new 'control everything' remote control? it feels wrong.

No-way! Gadgets like that are too cool 8)

[VR46]

Peter Kaye said

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said Thyroid problem?

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked
him to forgive me.

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

I was doing some decorating, so I got out my stepladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston By Pass - Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

Well, I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said "Are you going to help?" - I said "No, six should be enough."

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

You know that look women get when they want sex? - No, me neither.

Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before

PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

You never know where to look when eating a banana.

You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

Old ladies can eat more than you think.

You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY

Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

What do people in China call their good quality plates?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

What do you call male ballerinas?

Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

[iloveannie]

Hee

You know when you buy something online and it asks you to put the word in that you see? The one that's all squigly and that? Ticketmaster just came up with the word 'asswage'. Well it made me grin.