The Banter Thread / Banter Topic / Sean Bean

[Paulos G]

NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!

Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."

The lady can't take this any more, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly. "In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives.

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."

[VR46]

on the cat front ...

[jimmbob]

nevermind. idiot!

[Kieran76]

I take it the trip money will be replaced by insurance even though it was ina draw?
Also post pics of victorian antics!

The schools insurance excess is 20k, over the total value of what was taken, so we are going to be well out of pocket.

[Swallow]

Sorry to hear about that, dude, it's not nice when something like that happens.

[Yoshimax]

My parents were down staying Thurs-Sun last week - My Dad produces this USB memory stick with a video of me & my brother when we were 3 & 1 respectively - My Dad is sporting mad 70's sideburns & specs and my Mum looks scarily like me bird.

On top of this I look like my son 2 yr ago - almost EXACTLY.....

I need some kind of psycho-deconstruction ><

[J0e Musashi]

Lavverly weather eh, I'm considering not coming back after lunch.

[SuperDanX]

Indeed it is, i see skirts are on the way up i await 'tit monday' with baited breath, sadly wont be this monday as its gonna fcuking snow! The mind boggles.

[J0e Musashi]

Well the woman just sent me an e-mail. 2mo we shall bunk off work and get the train to Brighton to sit on the beach. I shall report back about skirtage.

[Nijo]

Ok, I decided to bite the bullet and get a Mac Mini for home. The wireless keyboard and mouse already arrived... the rest should come today or tomorrow.

Now here's a conundrum. On the packaging they both say "requires existing keyboard and mouse for setup". Surely they could pre-install the drivers so that it just works (like Apple stuff is allegedly supposed to do).

Bonkers.
Am I now going to have to bring PC kit home from work just to set up my Mac?!?

[Alastair]

Just thought I'd let you all know that today I passed my DAS motorcycle test Can now ride whatever I want if I can afford to insure it

So, if you know anyone that wants a 125cc bike near Brighton let me know as mine's now up for sale. Similarly, if anyone knows anyone selling a pointy SV650s for around the ?2k mark give me a shout

Holliss, I'll email you in the morning about it, assuming you've left work by now.

[Briareos]

I'll be careful on the streets of Brighton then

[VR46]

Well done Al, missed your post yesterday, SV650, nice bike

Old but worth posting again:

26 Ways to keep your girl happy - By Chuck Norris

1. When she asks how she looks, shrug and say "could be better." This
will keep her on her toes, and girls love that.

2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness.
If she grabs your hand, squeeze hers really hard until she cries (this
will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are).

3. Once a month, sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls
are like dogs; they love to be roughed up.

4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. If she
is, say "you better be." Repeat this 4 or 5 times until ! morning. This
will show her you care.

5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be
her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and
every girl needs some improvement.

6. Recognize the small things, as they usually mean the most. Then when
she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them, because
jewelry is for wusses.

7. If you're talking to another girl, make sure she's looking. When she
is, stare into her eyes, mouth the words "F**K you" and grab the other
girl's ass. Girls love competition.

8. Tell her you're taking her out to dinner. Drive for mile so she
thinks it's going to be really special. Then take her to a burning tire
yard. When she starts to get upset, tell her you were just kidding and
now you're really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When
she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that, lean
over and whisper very quietly into her ear "...because I can."

9. Introduce her to your friends as "some chick." Women love those
special nicknames.

10. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD.

11. Warm her up when she's cold...and not by giving her our jacket,
because then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say "if
you don't stop complaining about the cold right now, you're going to be
complaining about a black eye." The best way to get warm is with fear.

12. Take her to a party. When you get there, she'll have to go to the
bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the
party is dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you all
night.

13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet.
Kick the pet. I always find stuff like that funny...why shouldn't girls?

14. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she's fast asleep, wait 10
minutes, then jump up and scream in her ear. Repeat until she goes home
and you can use your arms for more important things (like basketball).

16. If you care about her, never ever tell her. This will only give her
self-confidence, then you can never turn her into the object she deep
down desires to be.

17. Every time you're in her house, steal one of her shoes, earrings or
anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way,
she'll go crazy.

18. Take her out to dinner. Right when she's about to order, interrupt
and say "no, she's not hungry." Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy
that speaks for her.

19. Look her in the eyes and smile. Then punch her in the face. Girls
love a spontaneous guy.

20. Give her one of your t-shirts, and make sure it has your smell on it
(but not a sexy cologne smell...a bad smell. You know what I'm talking
about).

21. When it's raining, keep asking her if she's crying. She'll say "no,
it's just the rain." Ten minutes later, turn to her and just scream at
her to stop crying. Girls like a tough man.

22. T*tty twisters and plenty of them.

23. If you're listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no.
This way she'll think you're mysterious.

24. Remember her birthday, but don't get her anything. Teach her that
material objects aren't important. The only thing that's important is
that she keeps you happy, and your happiness is the greatest present she
can ever get.

25. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas or just
whenever, take it and tell her you love it. Then, next time you know
she's coming over on a trash day, leave the trash can open and have the
present visibly sticking out of the can.

26. If she's mad at you for not calling her when you say you will,
promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This
will make sure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call that
you're going to tell her a special surprise. Now she'll be really
excited, then don't call

[Big Seany]

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/hampshire/6457133.stm

Double murder on Seany's manor. I live just round the corner from this. I didn't do it, tho.

[J0e Musashi]

Well we didn't go to Brighton today, mainly because she couldn't find the bra that matched her pants (yes, I don't get it either. They had to be red as it's Red Nose Day) and had a small falling out about it.
I am pleased to announce that I have already done all my work for today, and that anything else I do will be paid at double time. I leave here at 17:30 btw.