The Banter Thread / Banter Topic / Sean Bean

[VR46]

(copied from a Word doc, so spacing etc bit crap)

Resum? of Vicky Pollard


ADDRESS: Dur ? I live with my mum ? init!
TELEPHONE: Yeah right, I aint givin' you my number!
EMAIL: [email protected]


ACADEMIC QUALIFICATIONS

Yeah but, no but, yeah but, what it was right, I sat next to Kelly Smith and she totally copied off me cos I told everyone about her wanking off Kevin smith outside McDonalds but Mrs Dodson like TOTALLY busted ME for it and said I was cheating and OH MY GOD I so cant believe she did that cos anyway everyone knows she?s a lezzer.

EXPERIENCE

1996 Pregnant
1997 Pregnant again
1998 Pregnant again
1999 Pregnant again

2000 South London young offenders institute

Yeh but, no but, yeh but, no but, what it was right, I never done nothin? right but Sharon Gordon said I stole that money from Mr Jackson wallet but I never did it right and anyway it was only 20 quid so she?s a slag and she just hates me cos I told everyone about that time when she shat herself on the bus on that school trip to Blackpool

2001 McDonalds

Responsibilities
 Serving Burgers and fries and that
Achievements
 Ate 12 Big Macs a day

I never spat in them burgers - they was well out of order for firing me that is so unfair! This is like, well sexual harassment! God, this is exactly like the time Miss Rennig, who everyone knows is a total lesbian, made Candice Burton stay behind after PE, started telling her off for gobbing on Sunita Geschwani's hair. But everyone knows she only made her stay late because she wanted to get off with her, cuz when she was telling her off her legs were wide open and Candice reckons she could see her spider.

2002 Pregnant again
2003 Burger King

Responsibilities
 Serving Burgers and fries and that
Achievements
 Ate 13 Whoppers a day - Stop giving me evils!
 I never put tampons in the burgers - they was well out of order for firing me

2004 South London young offenders institute again

What it was right, I never done nothin? right but Pauline Jackson said I put tampons in the burgers but I never did and anyway it was only that one time and Kevin Hops TOTALLY deserved it right cos he told everyone that I got fingered by Wayne Daniels outside wimpy but anyway he didn?t even finger me he stuck it up my arse hole and he?s just jealous cos everyone knows he?s a puff

2005 On Welfare

2006 South London young offenders institute again

Yeh but, no but, what it was right, I never done nothin? right but Tara Watson said I nicked her stereo right but I never nicked nuthin right and anyway it was only some ****ty AKAI so she?s a slag and she just hates me cos she?s a lezzer and I told everyone about that time when she got fishy fingered by Kelly smith behind the Little Chef in Brixton and anyway don't listen to her coz everyone knows her fanny goes sideways.

[112]

The barman thinks he should join the circus as a talking penguin. The talking penguin doesn't understand why the circus would want a plasterer, because, funnily enough, not only is he a talking penguin, he is a plasterer by trade.

Man thats a **** joke! heres me over thinking things as well! FFS! thanks for the heads up though.

Here's one for yah, i think ive told this before but here goes -

"Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other, how do you drive this thing?"

ba-boom.......

112

[jimmbob]

lol.
2 cannibals are eating a clown, one looks at the other and says, "does this taste funny to you?"

[VR46]

Go to the link, type your name in the box and it converts your name into Russian

http://www.callme.nm.ru

[jimmbob]

Bastard. My speakers were on aswell!

[VR46]

sorry didn't realise it had sound, (no speakers at work)

[VR46]

READ THE TEXT FIRST

The wife was very unhappy with her car and complained a lot to her husband: 'Buy me a surprise for my birthday!' she said. 'Something that accelerates from 0 to 160 in 4 seconds! And I would prefer a blue one!'

Happy and excited she was counting down the days for her birthday. And finally she got the beautiful present her husband thoughtfully bought....

(click on the pic)

[marcus]

Why is it that when you dial up credit card companies, and at the request of the automated system enter the whole 16 digits of your card into their system, then you wait for a advisor to pick up the line, the first thing they ask you is for the 16 digit card number? Whats the point of putting it in the automated system if you are just going to be asked it again?

[HaHaUK]

Why is it that when you dial up credit card companies, and at the request of the automated system enter the whole 16 digits of your card into their system, then you wait for a advisor to pick up the line, the first thing they ask you is for the 16 digit card number? Whats the point of putting it in the automated system if you are just going to be asked it again?

I think its to verify you actually have a card and avoids wasting time.

[Ish]

Its weird how hangovers work. I had 3 pints of beer on Thursday night and felt really rougj yesterday morning. Last night I had several pints of beer and far too much brandy than is good for you and this morning feel absolutely fine.

I'll never work it out...

[VR46]

took these myself last night, never leave your car unattended in Romford

[spagmasterswift]

There has just been a massive hail storm here - large chunks of ice bouncing off the roof next door.

[marcus]

I think its to verify you actually have a card and avoids wasting time.

The only persons time it wastes is mine.

[erhgiez]

took these myself last night, never leave your car unattended in Romford

I probably woudlnt mind that if the graffiti was good, but that is terrible graffiti

[crazylegs]

Lost in Translation as it should have been

Get Lost This Summer