The Banter Thread / Banter Topic / Sean Bean

[Spatial]

Oddly enough my cat's just had his man bits chopped off today and is walking in exactly the same way

[Crisp_Rapper]

Not quite sure how it works, does the cat just assume it is up against something?

pretty sure the cat doesn't like the feeling and is trying to 'get away' from it by moving to the opposite.

[marcus]

Things your IT department love

1. don't telephone or email your I.T support person, storm round to their desk and invade personal space/hygiene boundaries at every oppertunity.

2. your recycle bin is a storage area for important files that you've not backed up on the server. make sure you empty it just before you need them.

3. if you have even the smallest amount of computer knowledge, feel free to treat the I.T department as a social doss-house by discussing "the VAX VMS mainframe" that you used to use 10 years ago, for upwards of 1 hour at a time, we love it.

4. if you get an email virus warning (hoax) or other I.T related message via email.. print it off and walk round with it, "forward" buttons are for wimps.

5. if a customer/client has an I.T problem, call your friendly I.T support department.. their I.T department is probably too busy.

6. if for some strange reason you want to take one of the redundant work PCs home for yourself, make sure you get approval from your manager. don't bother talking to I.T, they'll be happy to help when you discover that your unlicenced Windows NT fails to recognise your nice new USB modem.

7. if you get caught emailing porn to your mates, make it into an innocent looking zip file, but make sure you mention your cunning plan to decieve in the text of the email so your I.T staff can have a laugh too.

7a. equally, normal usage policies for porn surfing only apply at the office. your I.T staff have reserved 99% of their 256k VPN over internet connection bandwidth for this exact purpose. make sure you never investigate the joys of internet explorers cache files as this is just too obvious and will be overlooked entirely during dicipline proceedings. (yes, we had proxy logs too )

8. .....

9. managers, in the eventuality that another manager recieves a laptop, regardless of your own needs or competence, demand one for yourself so you don't look stupid

10. if you have trouble remembering your password, simply write it on a post-it note and stick it on your monitor. if you have no post-it's, just scrawl your imaginative creations on the monitor itself, preferably in permenant marker pen

11. keyboards are a perfect anger management tool, when ending a phonecall with an annoying customer, or battling with your I.T departments shameful attempts at VB app programming, let loose your frustration on the keyboard.
the I.T department have hundreds of spares that they're just dying to get rid of.

12. the email system is really just a filestore, feel free to ignore those pesky "you have reached your storage limit" messages. your I.T staff always wanted to know what it was like to reach the 16gig limit on exchange, so why dissappoint them.

13. a laptop is virtually indestructable, it will be perfectly happy outside it's carry case whilst travelling in the boot of your car.
everyone knows they also thrive in salt water, so take it for a trip in your boat

14. when accessing your email overseas, make sure you do so from a very expensive hotel, if you forget to disconnect the modem, don't worry, they hang up automatically

15. if that printer behind you is making too much noise, simply tape a sheet of paper over the fan exhaust hole. they work much faster when nice and warm inside

16. if you experience any internet or network connection problems, phone I.T and ask in an accusing tone of voice "what did you do to my PC?". we're far more likely to log your problem as a priority if you make it convincing.

17. when ordering new hardware, make sure you ask the I.T department every 10-15 minutes whether it has arrived yet.
proportionatly increase the frequency of visits and level of annoyance with the I.T staff in relation to the length of supplier lead times, as this will make the kit arrive sooner.

18. drink coffee as close to your keyboard as you can.. nuff said

19. the amount of people you "CC" in emails is directly related to a) how important you are, and b) how serious you think your problem is. the I.T manager and company MD are both very interested to know if your printer has run out of toner.

20. if you wish to relocate your desktop PC to another building, make sure you take all the required cables with it including the last length of BNC network cable with the terminator on it. your I.T department are all wannabe sherlock holmes's and will love the challenge of tracing the broken connection while answering the phonecalls from the rest of the staff on your segment.

21. if you are receiveing assistance remotely, fight for control of the cursor for no less than 30 minutes, I.T support love comedians.

22. Any memory error you get is obviously hardware related.
Demand extra RAM/processor speed/harddisk upgrades randomly until your support slave arrives and removes the felix-the-cat or cute-bouncy-sheep desktop toy that is chewing up more pagefile than findfast on it's period

[dataDave]

Oddly enough my cat's just had his man bits chopped off today and is walking in exactly the same way

That's out of order man. It's up to female owners to sort their end out.

Just to think the same used to happen to us humans back when we had morals.

EDIT: Just realised I'm back in off topic. Dead good.

[112]

when you say man bits chopped off, how much is chopped off exactly? i dont have a cat so pardon my ignorance. To put it in terms we can all relate to, how abouts a 'somthing about mary' description? Is it the frank or the beans? Or both even?

112

[dataDave]

when you say man bits chopped off, how much is chopped off exactly? i dont have a cat so pardon my ignorance. To put it in terms we can all relate to, how abouts a 'somthing about mary' description? Is it the frank or the beans? Or both even?

112

The beans.

You're cat's had the snip yet you don't have a cat? Eh?

[112]

thanks for clarifying that for me man. Nah i dont have a cat, im jus curious as i hear owners talking about it all the time.

Sorry i jus re read what you wrote and i have no idea what you mean by my cat not being my cat. :/

112

[dataDave]

Forget it, it's better that way....

Anyway. What's everyone had for dinner? I've just had a Sainsbury's Chicken Madras and Peshwari rice with a whole 1-litre of Sainsbury's Chocolate Milk.

Simpsons Choco Fudge Brownie Frijj FTW though. ;/

[Widegoat]

Forget it, it's better that way....

Anyway. What's everyone had for dinner? I've just had a Sainsbury's Chicken Madras and Peshwari rice with a whole 1-litre of Sainsbury's Chocolate Milk.

Simpsons Choco Fudge Brownie Frijj FTW though. ;/

Dinner ain't 'till around seven darrn saarrrf, mate.

[Briareos]

Housemate just emailed me this. Well I laughed anyways!

Ah, Tit Monday. It's not that far off now, that glorious day when, heading into work on the bus, or walking to the Tube, or sitting on the train, you find yourself suddenly chirpier than you have been in months. You find yourself smiling at strangers again. There is a mild involuntary tumescence in your trousers that comes and goes throughout the morning with the comforting regularity of a heartbeat.

And then you get a text around lunchtime from a mate which says: "At last, Tit Monday!" And you instantly understand why you are so happy. For Tit Monday is that special day in the year when, for the first time, the temperature rises above that magical point which causes girls getting dressed in the morning to decide to show a bit of skin.

After months of dull colours and chunky knit, the world's birds suddenly dive into last summer's wardrobe (they've not had chance to buy this season's stuff) and chuck it on without a thought. Your urban landscape is suddenly lightened with acres of naked arm and leg and, after many dark months of burrowing, breasts rising to the surface like moles at dusk.

Big breasts in white work shirts straining at the buttons. Small breasts braless in vest tops, the nipples frotted by ribby fabrics. Breasts in summer dresses bouncing in the distance so that they catch your eye before you even notice there is someone wearing them. Breasts nudging out from the crowd at traffic islands, quivering to cross the road...

And you know it is nearly summer. For previous generations, the arrival of spring was heralded by the sound of the first cuckoo. For us, it is Tit Monday.

Not that it always falls on a Monday. Like Easter, Tit Monday is a moveable feast. Last year it fell on a Friday. Friday 29 April, to be precise, when temperatures maxed out at 22.1C after nothing much above 16C all year. It last fell on a Monday in 2004, when temperatures leapt to 22C on 24 April.

And then, of course, there is Tit Monday Night. You see, in early summer, temperatures drop off very dramatically when night falls (Tit Friday 2005 dropped away to a parky 11.8C). But the dollies are not prepared. Slightly stunned by the morning heat, they drag out the summer clothes but forget to bring a cardie (a mistake they will not make again until next year), so that when they're all standing outside All Bar One after work celebrating the arrival of spring, their barely covered nipples have no protection from the cold. It's like a Bring-and-Buy sale where everyone has brought hat pegs. It's like a prog-rock gig where, instead of lighters, everyone is holding up ni! pples.

So when will Tit Monday fall this year? Will you be the first to text your mates with the announcement? Do not shoot your bolt too early. There will be false starts. You will smell fresh cut grass and see a couple of early starters and feel compelled to declare Tit Monday. But your more level-headed friends will tell you to hold your horses, keep your powder dry, don't fire until you see the whites of their bra straps

As the poet said: one bold Northern slapper in a bikini doth not a summer make.

[dataDave]

Housemate just emailed me this. Well I laughed anyways!

Ah, Tit Monday. It's not that far off now, that glorious day when, heading into work on the bus, or walking to the Tube, or sitting on the train, you find yourself suddenly chirpier than you have been in months. You find yourself smiling at strangers again. There is a mild involuntary tumescence in your trousers that comes and goes throughout the morning with the comforting regularity of a heartbeat.

And then you get a text around lunchtime from a mate which says: "At last, Tit Monday!" And you instantly understand why you are so happy. For Tit Monday is that special day in the year when, for the first time, the temperature rises above that magical point which causes girls getting dressed in the morning to decide to show a bit of skin.

After months of dull colours and chunky knit, the world's birds suddenly dive into last summer's wardrobe (they've not had chance to buy this season's stuff) and chuck it on without a thought. Your urban landscape is suddenly lightened with acres of naked arm and leg and, after many dark months of burrowing, breasts rising to the surface like moles at dusk.

Big breasts in white work shirts straining at the buttons. Small breasts braless in vest tops, the nipples frotted by ribby fabrics. Breasts in summer dresses bouncing in the distance so that they catch your eye before you even notice there is someone wearing them. Breasts nudging out from the crowd at traffic islands, quivering to cross the road...

And you know it is nearly summer. For previous generations, the arrival of spring was heralded by the sound of the first cuckoo. For us, it is Tit Monday.

Not that it always falls on a Monday. Like Easter, Tit Monday is a moveable feast. Last year it fell on a Friday. Friday 29 April, to be precise, when temperatures maxed out at 22.1C after nothing much above 16C all year. It last fell on a Monday in 2004, when temperatures leapt to 22C on 24 April.

And then, of course, there is Tit Monday Night. You see, in early summer, temperatures drop off very dramatically when night falls (Tit Friday 2005 dropped away to a parky 11.8C). But the dollies are not prepared. Slightly stunned by the morning heat, they drag out the summer clothes but forget to bring a cardie (a mistake they will not make again until next year), so that when they're all standing outside All Bar One after work celebrating the arrival of spring, their barely covered nipples have no protection from the cold. It's like a Bring-and-Buy sale where everyone has brought hat pegs. It's like a prog-rock gig where, instead of lighters, everyone is holding up ni! pples.

So when will Tit Monday fall this year? Will you be the first to text your mates with the announcement? Do not shoot your bolt too early. There will be false starts. You will smell fresh cut grass and see a couple of early starters and feel compelled to declare Tit Monday. But your more level-headed friends will tell you to hold your horses, keep your powder dry, don't fire until you see the whites of their bra straps

As the poet said: one bold Northern slapper in a bikini doth not a summer make.

Excellent! I'll be reporting on here as soon as I have the first incling of Tit Monday. I live in amongst a bunch of seedy nightclubs so Tit Monday Night will be a given too.

[Briareos]

Excellent! I'll be reporting on here as soon as I have the first incling of Tit Monday. I live in amongst a bunch of seedy nightclubs so Tit Monday Night will be a given too.

Class! First one to call it gets 2 kudos!

[Dirty Sanchez]

Classic. Deserves a thread of its own.

Photos would be a bonus!

[Briareos]

Classic. Deserves a thread of its own.

Photos would be a bonus!

Seconded!

[Rossco]

I just deleted 100GB of HD films and TV shows off my hard drive by mistake!! I meant to delete 3 empty folders but the mouse flinched, I highlighted around 12 or 13 folders of proper stuff I was keeping and by then it was too late, my quick fingers were already on the Shift and Delete keys before bashing the Enter key without even looking at the screen... Gone!



At least reading about Tit Monday cheered me up a bit there...