The Banter Thread / Banter Topic / Sean Bean

[Crisp_Rapper]

I'm every single of of those apart from #47. That one's a prerequisite where I come from. Shallow slags. :angry:

skip number 46 did you?

[Pavey]

Out on her royal yacht the queen was enjoying the sea air when she
spied a man in the water off the port bow - clearly being menaced by a
very large shark.

Through her binoculars she could see it was Christiano Ronaldo,
struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot
shark! The queen ordered the captain to change course to try and save
the poor man, but she knew the yachts top speed would never get them
there in time.

At that exact moment a speedboat containing three of the England
Football team wearing their white tops, sped into view.
One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon
into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out
and pulled Ronaldo from the water and, using long clubs, beat the
shark to death.

They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious Ronaldo into the speedboat
along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they
heard frantic calling ...... It was the Queen calling them to the
yacht.

On reaching yacht the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and
said, "I'll give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I thought
the England team would hate Ronaldo after the world cup. But I see
that the England team are true heroes and should serve as a model for
sportsmanship to other countries." She knighted them and sailed away.

As she departed Rooney asked the others, "Who was that?!"

"That," Beckham answered, "was our Queen. She rules the Commonwealth
and knows everything about our country."

"Well," Rooney replied, "she knows F all about shark fishing. How's
the bait holding up?"

[dataDave]

skip number 46 did you?

I am honest!

[VR46]

Guys Rules


1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
a. If a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden.
However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.

8: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

9: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

10: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

11: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

12: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos, ever. Issue closed.

13: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

14: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

15: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

16: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

17: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

18: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

19: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

20: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
i.e.
both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.
Hang up if necessary.

22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"
have carnal drunken sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

24: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?"
with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a Kleenex box. End of story.

25: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics ever.

[thebuddahman]

So there was this panda dancing away at the local nightclub and suddenly he notices a stunningly beautiful woman giving him the eye from across the bar. Now the panda knows he's not the biggest looker in the world, nor is he the smartest panda but thinks he must be in here, and goes over to speak to her.

So after chatting for a while she whispers in his ear to come back to her place. The panda jumps at the chance and they leave swiftly in a taxi. "I'm well in here!" he thought to himself.

Back at the flat, one thing led to another and before they know it they were having mindblowing sex, all night long. In the morning, the panda still can't believe his luck and as he gets up to leave, suddenly the woman says, "That'll be ?200 then please".

Looking confused the panda goes, "W-w-w-what? I don't understand, I thought we had a great night, great sex...and now you want money?"

"I'm a prostitute you idoit!" glared the woman. "Did you seriously think a woman like me would sleep with a panda like you for free?".

The panda scratched it's head with it's paw, wondering what this 'prostitute' was. The woman now sensing he's not too bright, throws him a dictionary. As the panda glanced down the dictionary he found the definition, "Prostitute - a person who sells their body for money".

The panda's face dropped as he realised how stupid he had been. "Why would such a beautiful woman want to sleep with me? I'm not attractive nor clever", he thought to himself. "What am I going to do? I don't have any money!".

In his fear, he looked up the word 'Panda' in the hope that it could help him out of this situation somehow. As he found the word, suddenly his face lit up. "What are you smiling about you silly panda. Pay up!" shouted the woman.

"No!" said the panda, defiantly. "I've found the definition of Panda!"

"Panda - eats shoots and leaves"

[VR46]

very good, T-Shirts from hell:

https://www.tshirthell.com

some may not be work safe, not looked at them all.
Bad I know, but I did laugh at the "daughters face" one.

[Crisp_Rapper]

very good, T-Shirts from hell:

www.tshirthell.com

some may not be work safe, not looked at them all.
Bad I know, but I did laugh at the "daughters face" one.

it's a superb site... i laughed hard at this one:

I TAUGHT YOUR BOYFRIEND
THAT THING YOU LIKE
In return, he taught me long division.

[VR46]

Tip for the day: Do not cut the garden hedge in shorts (as I did), or you could end up with a bite on your shin like this .... 7 days of antibiotics and Piriton and it's getting better, just as well, think amputation was next option

[Hanley]

Ouch. Worst thing I ever did in shorts (when I was about 10) was going ice-skating for my mates birthday. My knees was redder than that

Still, doesn't look that bad.

[Kieran76]

very good, T-Shirts from hell:

www.tshirthell.com

some may not be work safe, not looked at them all.
Bad I know, but I did laugh at the "daughters face" one.

"I'll bet you vote you next time hippie" made me nearly choke with laughter.

[VR46]

I've been getting into Deadwood recently (so far only seen couple of episodes of Season 1), Series 1 on DVD (4 discs) is about ?35, so check out Blockbuster, cheeky sods rent it out disc by disc, is this normal practice ? not rented anything for years.

[dataDave]

Everyone has been invited to the pub tonight for a meal paid for by the Summer School committee for all the hard work done over the past two weeks.

Everyone apart from me.

It's rite - next year when they need their '06 changing to and '07 I'll charge them ?300 instead of doing work for free in my own time.

Why am I ****ing always left out of stuff like this? I've met quite a few people from these boards and I'm sure I'm not that much of a c**t.

The sooner I'm out of this country and away from these people the better. No wonder I waste my life festering away on FFXI.

[thebuddahman]

Perhaps Dave it was just an oversight on their part? *shrug*

I know what you mean though about this country and the majority of people in it. Wankers mostly.

/cynic

[dataDave]

It might be because I take drugs.

Hardly an oversight when they get me to look after reception in their absence.

**** 'em, I'm going home. The phone can ring whilst they're all getting pissed on tax-payers money before their 7-week paid holiday.

[thebuddahman]

On a lighter note, I thought I'd drank all my cans of Dr Pepper and then found one hiding away in the larder.

That makes me a happy Christopher