The Banter Thread / Banter Topic / Sean Bean

[VR46]

bit like the Jack Bauer one months ago;

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, ?Two seconds till.? After you ask, ?Two seconds to what?? he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris? beard. There is only another fist.

There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.

In the movie ?Back to the Future? they used Chuck Norris? Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later they discovered is the cause of Parkinson?s disease.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose?s crap.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn?t lifting himself up, he?s pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked the world, that?s why we have a hole in the O-zone layer.

There is no such thing as paralyzed and unparalyzed people, just people who have met Chuck Norris and people who haven?t.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can?t see Chuck Norris, you may be seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

The quickest way to a man?s heart is with Chuck Norris?s fist.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once ordered a pepperoni pizza. When he discovered that they had forgotten the pepperonis, he roundhouse kicked the delivery boy and stapled him to the pizza and ate it.

Chuck Norris? favorite color is cold blood.

Chuck Norris does not see dead people. He eats them.

If Chuck Norris jumped off a bridge, you would to.

Chuck Norris invented water.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

In high school, Chuck Norris had a reputation. He once used an M-60 heavy-fire machine gun on a bully. 26 innocent deaths was a small price to pay for vigilante justice.

Chuck Norris will eat your soul for a Klondike Bar.

a game for when your bored

http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2006/burger-invader-p1.php

plus couple of funny pics

god I haven't posted any spam for ages

[Wools]

That Batman one is genius!

[Kieran76]

It's the last picture which I love.

[dataDave]

Chuck Norris doesn't ride Chocobos... He carries them.

[VR46]

Teh Chuck Norris Action Jeans

[MattyD]

Every time a bell rings, Mr. T pities a fool.

Mr. T speaks only when necessary. His main form of communication is
folding his arms and slowly shaking his head. Regardless of the
situation, he is always understood.

Mr T has pitied 23 fools in the time it took you to read this sentence.

Mr. T does not break wind. He destroys it.

Mr. T ended the civil rights movement by getting on a bus ? all the
caucasian people moved to the back.

Mr. T is allergic to doorknobs. That?s why he can only kick through
doors.

Mr. T?s pity for fools is used by mathematicians as a demonstration of
the concept of infinity.

Mr T once drove the A-Team van faster than light just to prove that Einstein's theory of relativity was a load of old jibber-jabber.


There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse because Mr. T is going
to walk.

Mr. T coined the phrase ?I see dead people? after the wait staff at
Denny?s forgot his birthday.

Mr. T?s edition of the VH1 show ?Where Are They Now?? was the shortest
in the show?s history. It was 10 seconds of a black screen with the
words ?Right Behind You? written on it.

Contrary to popular belief, Mr. T is not black. It?s just that the sun
is afraid to shine on him.

Behind every great man there is a great woman. Behind that woman is Mr.
T.

Mr. T once pitied the sun. The ice age followed.

Mr. T puts the laughter in manslaughter.

The last time Mr. T went to McDonald?s, Ronald McDonald greeted him.
What occurred next proved to be the most violent beating of a clown
ever recorded in human history.

Mr. T was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting
?pain.?

If there is a fool in the woods and nobody is around to hear his jibba
jabba, Mr. T is still able to pity him.

It took five women 2 years to give birth to Mr. T.

Mr. T once appeared on the show ?Fear Factor,? not as a contestant, but
as a stunt. There were no winners and six deaths. Mr. T has not been
invited back.

And finally:

Mr T once punched Chuck Norris in the chest. At the exact same moment Norris landed a roundhouse kick on Mr T. The resulting explosion caused the 80s.

[spagmasterswift]

My girlfriend just got emailed this scam

Hello,
My name is SGT. WINSTON PETER, I am a Briton and a member of
the coalition force in Iraq, I am serving in the military of the 1st
Armored Division, insurgents attacks us daily.
I managed to move money belonging to Saddam Hussein's family worth US$4.5Million The money is in two Trunk boxes and is currently in the custody of a finance/security firm where I deposited it for safe-keeping purpose, till I find a reliable person that will make claim of it on my behalf as my partner, because due to my current engagement in the Army, my country's government will take the money if found on me,I will take 60% and you will take 40%. No strings attached.
Kindly send me an e-mail signifying your interest including your contact details.
Respectfully,
SGT.WINSTON PETER.
PLEASE REPLY TO:XXX - Removed to protect any gullable NTSCers

[VR46]

hope you replied saying you were interested, he sounds ripe for a wind up

[spagmasterswift]

If you guys can come up with a quality response I'm happy to email him

[SuperDanX]

Whats in it for the scammer though? Unrelated banter, mofo'ing weather in london taaaawn today, august my arse! You (i) got used to the heat, this is ****ing deppresing:-( girls with coats on! Bah!

[charlesr]

Isn't that the plot of 3 kings?

[supersmithy]

Isn't that the plot of 3 kings?

It certainly is. Spammers are losing it man!

Whats next??

"Hello, my name is Neo, and I am stuck in the matrix......"

Jokers

[spagmasterswift]

Isn't that the plot of 3 kings?

Dear SGT.WINSTON PETER.

I sympathise with your current situation.

During the aftermath of the Persian Gulf War, myself and two American soldiers were in Saudi Arabia eager to get home. However, after finding a treasure map that we believed may lead to the gold Saddam Hussein stole from Kuwait, we decide to re-think our travel plans. Major Archie Gates lead us on the treasure hunt with a ruthless reporter close behind us - Meanwhile, battling Kurd rebels were desperately trying to survive. We soon found that we were conflicted between our greed for the gold and the plight of the people of Iraq.

It's great to hear you didn't come up against this moral dilemma in your bid for riches and that the internet out there on the front line is more readily available than we had back in the Gulf - we tried wiring up Private Wahlberg's head to an Iraqi shortwave radio but it made his ears bleed.

Or something...

[dataDave]

Any chance of me claiming back the ?10,000 or so worth of bank charges I've been bummed with over the years before I head over to China land?

[Alastair]

Read this and have a go!